Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

Last evening came and went with no verbal exchange. Not for nothing, but my last 2 weeks at work have been very tough, emotional even. Earlier this year, I was named in an EEO complaint by one of my employees. The accusations are totally unfounded, but I work for the gov't. My time has been monopolized by paperwork, questions and more questions and we are finally to the investigation. I gave an hour and a half of testimony yesterday. It went well, great actually. My evidence was on point. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from dealing with hurt and anger both at home and work.

I say all this to say that I can't even talk to my H about it. I can't discuss it at work because it would be inappropriate to do so. I feel like I have no outlet. I miss my best friend (H). It is hard to see him everyday, hear his voice, and not be able to let it all out.

I believe that for the last couple of months, my rants have been happening because I have not allowed myself to feel what I am going through. I have been keeping it pent up inside of me because there is nobody I can trust with all of this. It is him, always has been. It hurts knowing that he doesn't want to hear me, doesn't want to help me, doesn't want to be there for me. I need a hug, I need someone to just listen to me. I need to have crazy sex and let it all out.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE THAT RIGHT NOW.

I only have myself right now. And BIM is tired, straight-up exhausted in fact. I don't know when I have ever felt so in need of an outlet. So vulnerable. I feel like I have been fighting for so long that I need to sit out this round, for a few days at least.

I am tired. I am drained. I am scared. I am numb. Don't even know how I let it get to this point. Maybe I do. I have been taking care of everything and everyone except me.

And I have been burning the candle at both ends. I used to have work when home was bad. I used to have home when work was tough. Now both have been hard and I have no escape. I need some "me" time. I used to go out with my friends fairly regularly. Used to go and do things alone all the time. Lately, I have had to cancel my plans because H comes up with something he has to do at the last minute. Another one of my issues with "no notice". I have lost my mojo.

I do have my wonderful, beautiful boys. I do have hope. And I will get through this. I will. I just need a few days with longer than usual sleep and I need to get in the shower and cry until I am done, rinse my face, and be done with it.

Thanks for listening.