Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[Gardener]

Bim, Gima beat me to it, but

OK, you are angry and hurt, and you have a right to be. BUT (there's always a but), this is not the time ot make any big decisions. 48 hour rule: Wait 48 hours before making a decision. If it's a good idea, it will still be one in a couple of days. Take this time to cool off.

48 hour rule for sure. Especially after weekend from hell.

but enough has to be enough sometimes. I am exhausted from this OVER AND OVER again!!!

I know the frustration. My sitch is completely different, but I was there.

Hang tough. Keep venting.

[brownidmom]

[ [quote] I have communicated my boundaries, but those mean NOTHING to my H.

What are the consequences of crossing the boundaries? Your boundaries mean nothing to you and your H knows it by your actions.

You can handle it.

Cheers

Coach, thank you for stopping by. I have been hoping for awhile that you would stop by to offer some wisdom.

This is the root of one of my main problems with H. In the rest of my life, my work, my friends, my family- I have always been the leader, the go-to girl, the one with all the ideas. My H is the one and only IMPORTANT person in my life that I have EVER allowed to lead me. I have a very strong personality, his is even stronger.

Not to try to sound like a cop-out, but I honestly don't know how to set boundaries with him anymore. Actually, I state them but I know they are not taken seriously. I have beat myself up for so long for lying to him that I have never really forgiven myself.

For these two reasons, I think you hit the nail on the head- I am not serious about my boundaries and he knows it. And honestly, I am so exhausted from these last 7 years that I don't know how to change it. Any other area of my life, yes; but in this sitch, I really have no clue. It is puzzling to me too.

Update from this morning- H walks by the bathroom around 6:00 am and tells me that I need to take the boys to school this morning. H always takes the boys to school unless he has to be somewhere early. This morning, I had two choices. 1) Take the boys to school and confront the last-minute request tonight, or 2) Confront him immediately about his decisions to tell me things at the last minute just like he sprung the trip to CT on me Friday night. Not saying it was the right thing to do, but because I was still reeling from the weekend's events, I chose the latter. Went a little something like this:

Me: I'm happy to take the boys to school this morning, but WHEN are you going to start showing me some respect and not wait until the last minute to tell me things? Why didn't you tell me last night before I went to bed? You KNOW I am a planner and that I would have made some adjustments to my morning routine had I known that I would be taking them to school.

H: Don't worry about it, I'll take them to school. I got you.

Me: No, I will take them. THat is not the point. Just like you waited until the last minute to tell me about CT.

H: That was not the last minute.

Me: Of course not, not for you or your family, but it was for me. I will take them.

H: No, I will...

Long story short, up until the last minute, H was going to take them to school. I am stubborn and I said that I would follow if he felt compelled to take them. Oh, and I was. I caught him in a moment of "I need to get out the door" and told the boys to get in my car so we could go.

Do I think I handled this the best way? No, I do not. I did what I wanted to do. One of the recent posts, can't remember which thread, said that in any given moment when faced with what action to take, ask yourself what God would do. Due to my hotheadedness, disappointments, and pure pain from my sitch, I didn't ask myself this question until alone in my car after dropping the boys at school.

One good thing happened did happen this morning though. Rushing around like we did to get out of the house, I got them to school 15 minutes before they could go in, so we sat and played rock, paper, scissors and singing until they could go in. Highlight of my day!!! And I mean that sincerely.

After the no, I will take them; no, I will take them exchange and before I got out the door, H had my number. I don't remember everything that was said because conversations like that often involve me reacting purely on emotion and today was no exception.

I DO NOT SEE A WAY TO MAKE THIS M WORK. I love H, always will. I just don't see how he will ever want to find his way back to me. This is not about how daily things go, that he wants to be with someone newer, younger. No, he does not trust me or believe anything I say. I have lived the last 20 years having sexual contact with nobody else but him and he doesn't trust me. Actions speak louder than words and neither my actions or my words have had any impact on him. He refuses to believe that I have been faithful. How do I compete with that? At this point, I feel like I need to detach, come up with my plan to create a life for me and the boys separate from my H, and seek help to implement those changes. The thought saddens me to no end, but I have been dealing with this for 7 years. I am no Job, but will be 7 years in another 2 weeks.

Thanks for making your way through this rant. I could really use some advice.

BIM

[brownidmom]

Bim, Gima beat me to it, but

OK, you are angry and hurt, and you have a right to be. BUT (there's always a but), this is not the time ot make any big decisions. 48 hour rule: Wait 48 hours before making a decision. If it's a good idea, it will still be one in a couple of days. Take this time to cool off.

48 hour rule for sure. Especially after weekend from hell.

but enough has to be enough sometimes. I am exhausted from this OVER AND OVER again!!!

I know the frustration. My sitch is completely different, but I was there.

Hang tough. Keep venting.

Well,it's been 48 hours and this morning happened (see previous post). I guess I need to wait another 48??? Can you tell I had a grueling day?

[Gardener]

Bim,

Me: I'm happy to take the boys to school this morning, but WHEN are you going to start showing me some respect and not wait until the last minute to tell me things? Why didn't you tell me last night before I went to bed? You KNOW I am a planner and that I would have made some adjustments to my morning routine had I known that I would be taking them to school.

H: Don't worry about it, I'll take them to school. I got you.

Me:

I dunno, bim. It's tough to remain focused when things get emotional, but here might have been a good point to say, "Well, okay, then."

I don't think it was a perfectly worded boundary: "when are you going to show me..." but, by the transcript, he "got it," (at least this time.) Either that or I'm missing something. (It happens.)

I DO NOT SEE A WAY TO MAKE THIS M WORK. I love H, always will. I just don't see how he will ever want to find his way back to me. This is not about how daily things go, that he wants to be with someone newer, younger. No, he does not trust me or believe anything I say. I have lived the last 20 years having sexual contact with nobody else but him and he doesn't trust me. Actions speak louder than words and neither my actions or my words have had any impact on him. He refuses to believe that I have been faithful. How do I compete with that?

You don't. You can't.

At this point, I feel like I need to detach, come up with my plan to create a life for me and the boys separate from my H, and seek help to implement those changes.

I understand.And we're all here to help you implement changes, too.

Keep going.

[brownidmom]

Last evening came and went with no verbal exchange. Not for nothing, but my last 2 weeks at work have been very tough, emotional even. Earlier this year, I was named in an EEO complaint by one of my employees. The accusations are totally unfounded, but I work for the gov't. My time has been monopolized by paperwork, questions and more questions and we are finally to the investigation. I gave an hour and a half of testimony yesterday. It went well, great actually. My evidence was on point. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from dealing with hurt and anger both at home and work.

I say all this to say that I can't even talk to my H about it. I can't discuss it at work because it would be inappropriate to do so. I feel like I have no outlet. I miss my best friend (H). It is hard to see him everyday, hear his voice, and not be able to let it all out.

I believe that for the last couple of months, my rants have been happening because I have not allowed myself to feel what I am going through. I have been keeping it pent up inside of me because there is nobody I can trust with all of this. It is him, always has been. It hurts knowing that he doesn't want to hear me, doesn't want to help me, doesn't want to be there for me. I need a hug, I need someone to just listen to me. I need to have crazy sex and let it all out.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE THAT RIGHT NOW.

I only have myself right now. And BIM is tired, straight-up exhausted in fact. I don't know when I have ever felt so in need of an outlet. So vulnerable. I feel like I have been fighting for so long that I need to sit out this round, for a few days at least.

I am tired. I am drained. I am scared. I am numb. Don't even know how I let it get to this point. Maybe I do. I have been taking care of everything and everyone except me.

And I have been burning the candle at both ends. I used to have work when home was bad. I used to have home when work was tough. Now both have been hard and I have no escape. I need some "me" time. I used to go out with my friends fairly regularly. Used to go and do things alone all the time. Lately, I have had to cancel my plans because H comes up with something he has to do at the last minute. Another one of my issues with "no notice". I have lost my mojo.

I do have my wonderful, beautiful boys. I do have hope. And I will get through this. I will. I just need a few days with longer than usual sleep and I need to get in the shower and cry until I am done, rinse my face, and be done with it.

Thanks for listening.

[Gardener]

Thanks for listening.

You're welcome. Tough week all around, huh? I hope lettin' it fly here helps somewhat. Not as good as "me" time, "friends" time or "alone" time, I know. But we're here. And we listen.

Keep Going.

[karen43]

I need some "me" time. I used to go out with my friends fairly regularly. Used to go and do things alone all the time. Lately, I have had to cancel my plans because H comes up with something he has to do at the last minute. Another one of my issues with "no notice". I have lost my mojo.

What kind of stuff does he come up with? I understand work or family illness or whatever comes up unexpectedly, but I think you are entitled to a night or afternoon off every week. If you give him notice, then he needs to honor that. Esp. since he isn't supporting you at this time, you need to take care of yourself, get support from others, etc.

[givingitmyall]

Lately, I have had to cancel my plans because H comes up with something he has to do at the last minute. Another one of my issues with "no notice". I have lost my mojo.

Why? H's problems are not your problems right now. Obviously, that is unless the problem is really one involving your kids. Even then, if it is something H said he would do, hold him to it.

We all go through times (many in fact) when we are just fed up, tired, angry, whatever) through this process. That's b/c this process IS hard. No one said it would be otherwise.

So, you need to take a break for a few days. Then take it. Your M issues aren't going anywhere - they'll be there when you come back.

Focus on filling your own love buckets. What do you like to do? Go do it. Just give yourself a break from your M for a little while. That's ok.

[brownidmom]

Thanks, Gardener. You *are* a great listener, as are many others on this board. I am blessed to have so many positive thoughts coming my way, especially when I am like this, so tired that I need to recover before attempting to move on.

Karen and GIMA, I am a chronic "guilty" personality. I have always put loads of guilt on myself when things aren't going well around me. I don't like to point the blame at others. I know now that it isn't necessary to place blame. That is rehashing the past. I can accept responsibility and attribute responsibility without having the play the blame game. It will be essential to moving forward with my boys without having bad feelings for their father.

So, the last few days and the ones to come until I feel some kind of renewed energy, I am just going to get some rest, as much as I can get while still keeping up my responsibilities, and then work on filling my buckets so I can start to get back to myself, the me that I enjoy spending time with. And then start recognizing what I need daily instead of letting myself get to this place of mental and physical exhaustion. I don't like it and refuse to let it become part of any cycle in my life.

Another lesson learned.

BIM

[Gardener]

bim,

I know now that it isn't necessary to place blame. That is rehashing the past. I can accept responsibility and attribute responsibility without having the play the blame game. It will be essential to moving forward with my boys without having bad feelings for their father.

Good for you, bim. Very healthy attitude/outlook. It will serve you well, I'm sure.

So, the last few days and the ones to come until I feel some kind of renewed energy, I am just going to get some rest, as much as I can get while still keeping up my responsibilities, and then work on filling my buckets so I can start to get back to myself, the me that I enjoy spending time with. And then start recognizing what I need daily instead of letting myself get to this place of mental and physical exhaustion. I don't like it and refuse to let it become part of any cycle in my life.

Just beware. That beast wants to recycle and come back. My challenge always seems to be finding it rearing its ugly head earlier and earlier so I can stop it before it gets goin' again (ain't doing such a good job of it myself, though lately!)

By the way. I hear "filling my buckets" often on this forum and I think I can figure out what it means. But I might as well ask and be sure. What does it mean?
Keep going.