Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hi all....

I am going to ignore posting about my conversation with H yesterday here, I might post it on my thread.

Cas, I am going to speak for you here as well, I hope you don't mind.

All points being made are reaching us....we ARE beginning to get it.

IMO, you all seem to know us better than we know ourselves. Perhaps we do not trust our own judgement. I believe we are afraid of the unknown, of being alone for the first time in our lives (for me since I was 15). I have been involved in a relationship with my H for 31 of my 46 years. It is very hard to accept and release the only lives Cas and I have known. I do love the H I knew, I always will. I guess I need to realize the H of today is not the same person. I am in tears as this is so raw. I do not like what is happening in my life. We do not like living this way. We want love in our lives. We own the 50% of the mistakes made in the marriage. We have overcome and changed (trust me, we have). We have done the work and DB for ourselves in the hopes it would bring our H's home. In both of our cases that was not meant to be. We have at least salvaged us in the process and are a whole lot stronger than when the sitches began (again, trust me...we are) For me I am also tired and my self-esteem and self-worth have taken a huge hit. I have only begun to recover those over the past year. It is going to be a long process for me as this is the most painful experience I have ever lived.

I think it fair to tell you that I allowed my H to remain in my life for the past 4 years, we have maintained contact including sex from 4 months post-bomb to as recent as 1 1/2 weeks ago. I think that is another reason I can't seem to let go. I am not a fool, I understand the cake eating theory. I wanted to be with him and I own that choice as well.

I for one am listening very carefully. I actually have a D court initial appearance scheduled for December 4th and I plan on moving forward with it. It is your words that have me convinced this so-called relationship I have with my H is unhealthy and dead-ended.

I would like to remain friends during this process because of our history and we have a S13 together. As of right now I am growing bitter towards him due in part to the conversations you guys are having with us. I also am in a great deal of pain and very emotional, not sleeping well and having a hard time concentrating in anticipation of the 4th. I need to concentrate on being strong and focused. I do not want to backslide for a second on all my DB efforts and progress.

I have a feeling I am not prepared for the conflict this will cause between us. Am I being silly to assume that we can still be friendly. Maybe I am missing this point though, maybe I shouldn't care what he thinks. We have worked hard at communicating and friendship. Perhaps you are right that I have a misconstrued idea of what friendship is with him.

I am really at a loss on how to not create an atmosphere with H where he hates me again. I really could not handle that. Does anyone understand what I am trying to say? I guess I have forgiven him his faults and wrongs to us. I think that has been important to me in DB and being strong through this ordeal.

Is it possible that H and I have come to a place where we both understand that a D is the only way out and that all of the work we have done to date will not be reversed?

Another thing to note, I have never wanted the D either. It was H who filed and H who has postponed 4 times to attempt reconciling. Maybe you all would think if I don't want it let H do the work. If H is only interested in status quo then I should go forward, right???

I understand I have rambled.....I can't really help it. You can call it journalling.....any replies....go easy on Cas and me.

Thank you all very much for helping with this life changing situation. Your words and thoughts are not falling on deaf ears.
Stubborn and Stuck In The Mud maybe, Deaf? No way....

Sanderika