True story: Earlier this week, my dad was riding in a car full of people. A younger woman asked an older woman, "Should we stop somewhere so you can use the bathroom?" Older woman: "No, I'm fine." My dad, being no fool, thought he detected a hint of rodent and asked the younger woman, "Do *you* need to use the bathroom?" Younger woman, "Yeah, I'm dying here."
W.T.F.?.
I don't know what kind of freaky anachronistic barefoot-and-pregnant-handmaidens socialization this is, but I'm against perpetuating or enabling it. I wonder to what degree WAW rage is driven by a head-on collision between this obsolete socially-determined disinclination to state needs/desires directly and the power/responsibility that comes with being an equal breadwinner, etc, in this egalitarian age.
Whatever. You can talk about mars/venus all day long, but in the final analysis, it's supremely unfair to behave in a way that punishes one's partner for being an imperfect mindreader. Talk about your ultimate cheeseless tunnel, for both parties.
Over and over, I see this. (And it's not all women doing it to men, yo.) The party of the first part sacrifices and suppresses and sucks it up, in *silence*, and eventually develops an irremediable font of resentment and a state of supreme pissed-offness at the poor oblivious party of the second part who didn't "step up" and make corresponding sacrifices and/or do all the things they "should have known" to do to reward all the pretty little martyrness.
I guess it irritates me to see men (or anyone) inclined to take responsibility for not being sufficiently "sensitive" or adept WRT this particular dysfunctional dance.
Solutions? Dunno. Best I can figure, ask specifically for detailed input regarding preference, timing, etc. on any task or choice with joint impact. Then do your spouse the honor of taking them at their word. If this results in fallout, put a stop to it right smartish by articulating your displeasure at the disrespect and walking away from the abuse, if nothing else.
Why is simple honesty so hard? I ask myself that as someone who came damned close to torpedoing a perfectly good, even awesome, marriage as a direct result of the above dynamics. You have to articulate your desires to yourself and accept them as valid before you even have a prayer of doing that with your partner.
I guess that's another part of the solution. It's much easier to be honest and open about needs and dreams if they aren't received as nitpicks or putdowns by your partner. So working to produce an atmosphere where it feels "safe" for either partner to speak their mind without being encouraged to feel monstrous for so doing seems like a good goal.
