OT, I did feel more anger towards OW in the beginning. Safer when you're trying to reconcile with your WAS. But as time goes on, I would see them both as equally responsible or culpable. The only reason in the world I want my kids to associate with their dad is that he is their dad, they love him, and that's how that works. But OW is not their parent, and so I have not 1% feeling she should be around my kids.
I think a lot of the OW's are either morally-deficient and/or messed-up, not making them good role models or people I would want my children to associate with. (And I know my X is the same).
The OW in my case has been married 3 times, and cheated on her 3rd with my H. She allows her young daughter to drink, and people that work with her says she sleeps around with all the guys in the office. I don't believe I will ever want her around my children. Her children also are psychologically messed up: anorexic, her one dd (the one she allowed to drink starting at 12) I've been told by friends of mine who know her well say she is the nastiest brattiest kid they've ever met. It horrifies me that my kids are hanging around with people like that. Horrifies. And yes, I know my H is like that now too.
If my kids were in a toxic or dangerous environment as you suggest yours are being put in, I would be seeking evidence and legal means to protect them.
The other perspective you could take is that of your kids witnessing the stark contrast of ethics and living standards. If they see chaos and confusion when with your X, but see a happy organized and loving mother when with you, it seems that is a lesson in choosing the proper path in their lives.
If they see chaos and confusion when with your X, but see a happy organized and loving mother when with you, it seems that is a lesson in choosing the proper path in their lives.
Agreed.
Not so extreme, but equally interesting....when Marc comes home from being at his dad's the first thing he asks me is what I cooked while he was gone. The way to a man's heart (or a kid's) is definitely his stomach. He tells me that all the ow can make is hambuger helper and hot dogs. His dad doesn't do much better than that. One thing for certain, he prefers that I cook for him. At least I've got that over ow....
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Wow, did the boards light up while I was working or what!! I hold my ex equally responsible. He is just as low life as she is. When the girls are over at their home, their Dad's doesn't do a whole lot with them but then again neither does she.
It is how Mish says, can't do a whole lot about ex and it about kills me that he has time with them now. I have come a long way in dealing with the divorce, the affair, the lying. I know that I haven't fully forgiven him. That has to happen sometime because he doesn't care but it will eat me up. I do not know this person, I have no desire to know this person. Maybe some time.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kerry, I do think she's horrible, but I don't think my X would let her act the same way with our kids that she does with hers. And certainly if she offered alcohol to either of my kids, I believe they would let me know and I would go to a L so fast. For that reason alone, he is trying to get at least half custody now, I think he wouldn't allow something like that. The sleeping around she probably doesn't flaunt in front of X and my kids, I wouldn't think. If I ever hear any of that kind of stuff happens with my kids around, I will see the L about it.
I am going to speak to my L about the OW before the D next month, but from what I've heard you have way less control over what happens at the other parent's house-unless maybe there was abuse or illegal stuff going on.
Sorry for the hijack, Kat, guess it's pretty clear I feel the same as you!
I know he is trying to help. He raised his wife's daughter from her first marriage(no cheating involved). He is trying to get me to move forward. I just have to do it in my own time. I really don't want anything to do with either of them(is that better phrased for you OT??).
I am a bit of a turtle at times but I want to do this right because I do want to be in a relationship again at some point. Slow and steady wins the race after all.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I'd like to add my 2 cents to this discussion. When two people cheat they are equally guilty, maybe our spouses bears more of the blame because they are the ones that had the committment to the marriage and the family. That being said, I think we tend to blame the OP because we love our spouses. It is so hard to believe they would do something that would inflict so much pain on their family.
In my case they were both married so they broke up two homes with children. So my H helped to destroy her family as well. Who knows, maybe given a chance the OW might be good to my girls, but honestly, it's hard for me to accept that they may form a relationship with her. Childish, perhaps, but I believe it's human nature. Who knows if I might feel differently if he found someone else...possibly...because I wouldn't blame her for "stealing" my husband and hurting my children.
Kat, I think friends tell us we need to move on and accept it because they want us to try to be happy again. As long as we dwell on the past, that's not possible. I will always resent the OW, but since I am doing my own thing life is getting better.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
It is also a matter of how the OW behaved during the A period. Let me explain : the OW in my case, after o nly 2 months A she was already sending him emails saying "baby, why cant we BE together as a normal couple", when she saw him going back and forth she kept reminding him how dead our love was and how coming back to me was the biggest mistake of his life, when at one point she realised (1 year in the A) he wanted to try with me she went ballistic threatening him to tell me about and then analysed how staying for the kids would be a mistake cause the kids would eventually move away and he would be stuck with a woman he didnt love (our kids were 4 and 5 yrs old).
I found tons of emails where she kept talking about their past together he was about to throw away, how people wont change and then saying she would change all the things he didnt like about her... Pathetic and no self respect. Sadly my stbxh bought all that form her till recently. She ven used the guilt trip card about her abandoning the idea of having a kid (after an abortion they had) since she is 36yrs old and how that didnt compare with what he was missing out since he had 2 kids (he obviously said he was paying a high price to be with her).
If he ends up with her, I will never accept her as my kid's step mom. (she promised she would love them as if they were her own, GRRRR) K
One thing for certain, he prefers that I cook for him. At least I've got that over ow....