Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

True true. Now I woke up today in anger, impatience, stress, aggravated...etc. I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. I can't handle this anymore. He came by this morning to drop something off for me and the whole time he is flirting away, he cornered me in the kitchen was about 2 inches from my face joking around teasing me. I am not the only one who thinks this, as I had a friend here at the same time and she totally agrees that he flirted with me the whole time! She said she would go crazy if she were me, especially when he got so close to me in the kitchen.

So how is that detaching thing coming?

...yeah, that's what I thought.

What happened to that boundary you were going to set?

Tell him "I feel like this is too confusing for me and the kids to have you being so affectionate when we're not living together. Until you make up your mind what you plan to do, I'd appreciate if you stopped that." No lovemaking, no kissing, no PDAs. He is fence-sitting and you are letting him.

Ugh. I am just getting to the point where I need to sit down and talk to him. Like are you acting this way because you are coming around slowly? Or are you just wanting to be my best friend. Cause that ain't gonna happen. I can't be your best friend. Not right now anyway.

Don't ask him, because you won't get a useful answer.

Its like the past week and a half I have seen him every single day for some reason. Plus one sleepover! Ahh! I'm losing my mind. I just don't know how long I can sit here and wait for him to come around. I know its only been 5 weeks, but still.

Them maybe it is the time to have the R talk.

Tell him that there is obviously some kind of relationship between you two still, and that you are willing to work on it if he is. But right now, he is fence-sitting (or cake-eating, your choice) and that it's unfair to you and the kids. Tell him that if he doesn't make a choice soon, you will.

All my 180's, my GAL'ing seem to work one minute, but then nothing happens? Obviously we've come a far way in 5 weeks. But he's not home and that's where I want to be. I'm just getting impatient. I just want to talk to him soooo bad.

Yes, you are getting impatient. Remember robx's post? "Slow is fast and fast is slow".

You've been saying the same thing almost every day because you still haven't detached from him.

You still spend too much time analyzing his every word and move, even after we've told you that there's no point in doing it.

You let him have too much control over your life -- he comes and goes as he pleases, sleeps over whenever he wants, and you still make plans with him.

If you want to go to the party for yourself, really go for yourself. Dress yourself up. Take a separate vehicle to get there. Spend time with the people you want to be around, and ignore him if possible. Leave when you want to go home.

If people ask you what the deal is with him, change the subject.

[robx]

True true. Now I woke up today in anger, impatience, stress, aggravated...etc. I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. I can't handle this anymore. He came by this morning to drop something off for me and the whole time he is flirting away, he cornered me in the kitchen was about 2 inches from my face joking around teasing me. I am not the only one who thinks this, as I had a friend here at the same time and she totally agrees that he flirted with me the whole time! She said she would go crazy if she were me, especially when he got so close to me in the kitchen.

What are you here for?
Weren't you looking for a way for your husband to be interested in you again?

So he shows some interest and it's a bad thing?

Did you prefer it when he didn't want anything to do with you?

You've finally db'd to the point where you are seeing some progress but that's good enough, he not only should be interested in you, he should just reconcile with you immediately!

Yes that's fun, that's exciting, that will work..... NOT!

Do you want your husband back?
That's my question.

Because it seems like he's warming up to you, it's been what 5 weeks?! Really, we have some people on this forum that have been at this for months if not years and you're complaining after 5 weeks? Is it possible that some of this attitude of yours is what got you guys into trouble in the first place, maybe this attitude is what he didn't like and wanted to escape from? Is this possible at all?

How many people on this forum would like it if their WAS was doing things for them, dropping things off for them, having playful interaction & flirting with them again?

Do you prefer him to not come over anymore and treat you coldly without any feeling or do you prefer him to be playful & flirt with you?

[robx]

Ugh. I am just getting to the point where I need to sit down and talk to him. Like are you acting this way because you are coming around slowly? Or are you just wanting to be my best friend. Cause that ain't gonna happen. I can't be your best friend. Not right now anyway.

[/quote]

Well at least you admitted it, you "need", as in being "needy".

Stop it.

Maybe he is acting like this because he is coming around slowly.

What your problem is.... you don't think it's fast enough, it should have happened by now, it should have been fixed by now and you don't like waiting, you're impatient and impatient people don't like waiting.

Yes heaven forbid that he become your best friend because we would never want a spouse that was your best friend!

When that shiny face of yours isn't as shiny years from now and by chance you are lucky to have the spouse back that you claim to want back, what you will be left with is each other, I'm assuming you would want to be best friends, or would you want to share your life with someone who isn't your best friend?

[robx]

Its like the past week and a half I have seen him every single day for some reason. Plus one sleepover! Ahh! I'm losing my mind. I just don't know how long I can sit here and wait for him to come around. I know its only been 5 weeks, but still.

All my 180's, my GAL'ing seem to work one minute, but then nothing happens? Obviously we've come a far way in 5 weeks. But he's not home and that's where I want to be. I'm just getting impatient. I just want to talk to him soooo bad.

When you were together previous to the breakup, did you have to label your relationship? Was it required?

Recently he's coming over everyday including one sleepover, wasn't your goal for him to be more comfortable to come over regularly and spend time with you & your family? So what, you start accomplishing this and it's not good enough for you? Seriously, you have to look inside yourself, it seems very needy, all I'm hearing is "what about me?"

Do you want him to come home?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You also have to remember that it's going to be hard to understand his mood swings because on some level, he doesn't get them either.

BINGO.

[brownidmom]

Hey, Britt. I am certainly not the poster child for patience, DBing and GALing lately, but I have been going through my marriage issues for almost 7 years now. All of this time hasn't been as bad as it is right now. I will say that it is ALWAYS better when I am able to detach and release my expectations, not being rude, but focusing on just myself and my boys.

You will go through times that are rougher than others, but I agree with all the fellas that have been chiming in on your sitch, you are expecting too much too fast. You have made amazing progress! Don't undo it now!

Go to that party looking as hot as you can with NO EXPECTATIONS from your H. Enjoy yourself and if he is like a moth to the flame- GREAT If not, you still had a good time.

Take care.

BIM

[Lll54]

Well. I have to say that was kind of hard to read. Because honestly, it is 100% true. Robx, as blunt as you are, you are right. I really appreciate your advice because it made me look at this whole situation in a different light. I am being needy. I may not show this to him, but I'm definitely showing it on here, as well as feeling it inside. Of course I'm loving where we are at. We definitely have come a far ways in 5 weeks. I never would have believed that I am where I am at 4 weeks ago. I was in dire straits, talking to H only through text. Only doing drop off and pick ups. Seeing him every 4 or 5 days solely because of the children. I do realize I have made huge strides. I don't know why I am so impatient. I guess cause I'm still so confused. One day he is talking about my changes and our future together and telling his brother in law he wants to give it another shot and the next telling me we don't end up like his buddy that is going through a nasty divorce. So I think that's where my impatience is stemmed from. I would just like some consistency. You're in, you're trying or you're out. I definitely don't want to go back to how things were before that's for sure. You've opened my eyes Robx. He is obviously getting more comfortable coming around cause it is happening where as 5 weeks ago it was not. I'm happy about that. I just get somewhat concerned that it isn't him actually coming around, its just a preview of the rest of our lives. Us continuing to live like this and being great friends, and civil in our sitch. That's what worries me. Maybe I AM being needy and pushy. I try not to let it out infront of him but maybe I am and I just don't know it. That could be cause of why we are still where we are at.

Has anybody ever had an experience where the WAS did want to reconcile but was too afraid to admit it? I sometimes feel like he tries to provoke me to stay things. He says certain things certain ways that makes me feel like he is fishing for an answer that he is too scared to say. Or am I just over analyzing again?

Browndimom,

I'm sorry about your sitch. I know someone in your shoes probably looks at me and laughs. I have only been in this for 5 weeks and I'm freaking out. You have been dealing with this for much longer. Good for you for sticking with it. I only hope I have that much patience one day. "Release my expectations" That is one thing I really need to work on. I have huge expectations alllll the time! To be honest I have expectations lurking in the back of my mind for sat. night. Ugh. I need to release them before they ruin my night. You're right I have made huge progress I just need to sit back, be patient, and give it time to keep moving in the direction I want it to. Breathe. I need to tell myself that sometimes.

As for saturday night, I'm off here in a few minutes to go shopping for the most smoking hot outfit I can find. I washed my extensions today (that sounds funny) so they will be ready for the night. H loves when I wear my extensions cause he loves me in long hair (my hair is just past shoulder length now). I've bought new boots the other day, so I consider myself ready to blow him away. Can't wait!

Thanks again everybody. Sometimes I just need some real, honest truth. It put me in a new place.

[robx]

you know Britt, I'm not here to bust your a$$,
I am here to help remind you & others what they came here for in the first place.

This is tough stuff, the kind of stuff that tests your spirit everyday, makes you waffle back & forth, makes you sell yourself out of a marriage one day because the results aren't what you expect compared to the effort you're putting into this and then buy yourself back into your marriage the next day at a price you never wanted to pay.

Don't think for a minute that I don't feel your frustration, your pain, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the longing, the guilt, the pain, the insecurity, the desire, mental anguish and the pain in your heart.

I feel it.

I'm just trying to remind you of what your original goal was.

I'm not here to force you to do anything, in fact you will be successful regardless if you bust this divorce or not, because you will have decided on what path to take that is best for you & your children and you will have the courage to take that path to it's ultimate conclusion, whatever that is.

[jstv]

Hi Britt, yes, I have a H who is "confused" to say the least...he has been coming around lately and make small talk about future with "us" but next moment says he's buying a house. WTF?? It's a tough road...my H has been gone for 4 months and the longer he is gone..the stranger he becomes in some ways..however we have been intimate several times but I feel like he's trying to please me so I don't go looking for it elsewhere which is totally not my style (been with H for 10 yrs. and prior bf for 7 and I'm 36 so do the math) but then again I think maybe I did miss out and I should go have fun but honestly, I want to be married..I have 3 kids and would like more..it's so hard and confusing but I just think positive thoughts every day and it's been good!! Just rememeer that it's not that easy to erase years of your life...especially the older you get

[TrentC]

Well. I have to say that was kind of hard to read. Because honestly, it is 100% true. Robx, as blunt as you are, you are right. I really appreciate your advice because it made me look at this whole situation in a different light.

[...]

I just get somewhat concerned that it isn't him actually coming around, its just a preview of the rest of our lives. Us continuing to live like this and being great friends, and civil in our sitch.

That is a very genuine fear. I worry the same thing at times -- to me, if we're not making progress, it feels like we're backsliding. Or that we're going to end up "just friends" for the rest of our lives.

And maybe at some point, you will have grown to the point where this half-relationship is not enough for you, then you get to drop the bomb and be the WAS. And he'll end up pursuing you.

Thanks again everybody. Sometimes I just need some real, honest truth. It put me in a new place.

Honestly, britt? I get just as frustrated and impatient as you.

I want to be able to take my wife in my arms the way I used to. I want to be able to crawl into bed at the end of the day and put my arms around her, the way I did for almost 9 years of my life. I want to show her how much she means to me, and that when she decides to give me another chance, I will do my best to make sure our relationship never ends up here again.

(Instead of venting on here, I have a really good friend who takes the time when I need it to pat me on the head and remind me that this is going to take time.)

But around my wife? I smile and am as happy and affectionate as she'll let me be. I go out and do things.

Hopefully as she gets her strength back from the surgery, she will look at where we are and decide to work on things with me.