I never thought I would be here

[hbdad]

Hi Rambler,

Your sitch sounds very similar to mine. I made quite a few mistakes even though I had read portions of DR. I just did not have the intestinal fortitude at first. But I do now and it is very liberating to feel in control of my OWN life and accepting that I cannot change her. I have went dark and she is wondering already what is going on why so happy. To be honest I feel much better since I have done this. I feel like I have my life back. You can read my sitch here. Good luck and be strong.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867315#Post1867315

[Puppy Dog Tails]

As far as an affair, I know things can happen. If it changes anything about how I feel about the marriage - well, let's just say it would hurt me if she did, but I am still wanting this to work - call me a fool but I love her that much. For me to investigate it, knowing me, I am not sure it would help my case and my emotions may get the better of me.

That's fine so long as you operate more under the assumption that she IS, than she ISN'T. I don't see you doing that, but that's your business, not mine -- I just wanted to warn you to be careful.

There are things that differ, strategy- and tactics-wise, when infidelity is involved, and there are CERTAINLY some things -- legally, financially and even medically -- that are prudent when there's a third person in the picture.

Puppy

[wanttobebetter]

PDT is usually right...not luck, he just looks at the facts, similarities and everything else from an un-obstructed POV.

I was the same as you are right now...be metally prepared to be shocked. Not saying it will happen but it is amazing what a WAS is capable of.

[2overcome]

Thanks puppy, and thanks to everyone so far for your support. As far as talking about the D or R, my wife had mentioned that she wanted to talk more about what was going on sometime soon. Now I perceive it is best to listen to what she has to say. More than likely she is going to also ask me if I feel better about the decision. What approach do I take to that question. So far she has asked that already and I replied "I have just been thinking about everything and figure some things out for myself" Is that the proper way to go about that? When she wants to talk about what to do, I am planning to try to avoid giving any input on my part but just telling her that I don't wan to talk about it that I want to clear my head and figure things out. Any advice to go about this?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

As far as talking about the D or R, my wife had mentioned that she wanted to talk more about what was going on sometime soon. Now I perceive it is best to listen to what she has to say. More than likely she is going to also ask me if I feel better about the decision. What approach do I take to that question. So far she has asked that already and I replied "I have just been thinking about everything and figure some things out for myself" Is that the proper way to go about that? When she wants to talk about what to do, I am planning to try to avoid giving any input on my part but just telling her that I don't wan to talk about it that I want to clear my head and figure things out. Any advice to go about this?

Yes.

- VALIDATE her ("I'm really sorry you feel that way"); even AGREE with her ("I agree -- I've been thinking too, and I'm beginning to think I've made a mistake as well");

- GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing -- just LISTEN. "I'll have to give that some thought," or "That sounds like it has legal ramifications; it's probably best that I discuss that with my attorney" (use "my" and not "an");

- DO let her know that YOU have some decision to make, too -- this isn't just all her thing!

- DON'T make any concessions -- just let her know you've HEARD her concerns, VALIDATE them, and promise to get back with her.

If she asks you how you're doing, say something like "Considering what's been done here, remarkably well. It's forced me to do a lot of thinking myself."

The idea is not to be all pollyanna, but to let her know that you're STRONG, that you're ALSO reconsidering some things, and that YOU'LL BE JUST FINE, either way. You may still LOVE her, and WANT your marriage, but you don't NEED it.

That final distinction is important -- more for yourself even than for her.

Puppy

-

[2overcome]

I do suspect that my wife has had an EA, and I believe it started probably about 2 weeks ago. This may have been what pushed all of this, and got her "thinking".

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I do suspect that my wife has had an EA, and I believe it started probably about 2 weeks ago. This may have been what pushed all of this, and got her "thinking".

OK, now I'm totally confused. Earlier you wrote:

I don't think she is having an affair (I know that sounds crazy), and she has always been honest with me, except for one time where she lied about something and she waited up until I came to bed and told me that she had lied and confessed to me. I know when I had typed that part about finding someone that it would set off some red flags...

Which is it???

[2overcome]

Sorry, I know right? I guess I was only looking at the physical and totally bypassed the emotional. And I am just learning about this EA stuff. So yes, as far as her having an affair emotionally then I say that it is very likely. For the past two weeks she has been texting like crazy... like out of the ordinary. Then that is when she started acting kind of unusual like something was bothering her... then this past Sunday...BOOM!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Go ahead and ask ten women what would be more devastating to them:

1) If they were to find out their husband had a one-nite stand, including intercourse; or

2) If they were to find out that their husband was in a months-long, emotional relationship with another woman, including exchanging "ILYs" dozens of times a day via text message.

Trust me, only us MEN say "only" an EA.

Puppy

[Greek]

EA is more devastating to a woman ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

Greek