Just wondering Shiny and LL, would you have considered yourselves the high drive or the low drive before the bomb or in the years leading up to problems?
I know I was LD for the last three or four years, but that was because of me shutting down emotionally. H's #1 LL is #5, I just never thought it was THAT important, but to him it was.
My husband has always been the low drive, with me being high drive.
We were intimate once recently and I thought that would open the flood gate.
Alas, no.
To his credit, he's working really long shifts at work.
When we have dates over one day only, I realize there is no opportunity. However, when we have a date in which he spends the night, I'm expecting to be attacked!
Again, it's probably to his credit that he doesn't attack me when he has the opportunity.
Sigh.
I'm hoping that once we move in together, Oct 25th! things will pick up.
I'm afraid that he's holding back out of fear, lack of desire for me, or because of my weight.
But I tell myself the only thing I can do is to keep up with my diet and exercise and focus on the positives.
Quote: Just wondering Shiny and LL, would you have considered yourselves the high drive or the low drive before the bomb or in the years leading up to problems?
I know that in my m H's LD was a problem for many many years and is probably a huge part of what lead up to the problems...my constant "complaining" or interperting h's lack of libido as his not caring about me, leaving me to feel unloved, unnatractive, etc etc etc...I guess in trying to address the "problem" over the years I managed to communicate the same things back to him...I also know that my neg feelings about this would seep into other areas..ie h's football...if we had been intimate or some form of sex on sat night, I was not bothered by h's going to the game sun morning..but if nothing had occured for a while I would be a tad pissy when he'd go off to the game. Is part of the reason why I spend so much time wondering why the heck it was him who had the a and left instead of me.
I don't have anything to give on this except my thoughts and {{{{HUGS}}}}
Perhaps helping him feel secure in ALL areas of his life will also make him comfortable venturing out more in this area? Again, just a thought...
OR maybe do something TOTALY unexpected like coming out of the kitchen with a whip cream bikini on OR thigh high Stiletto leather boots and a flaming red wig
I've been wondering if my husband feels bad because society says men should have a higher drive than women.
I wonder if my HD makes him feel bad about himself. If so, I bet any unhappiness I express makes him feel worse about the whole thing, resulting in less action on his part.
When we've talked about it in the past, he's said he's not like other guys. So, he knows he's LD.
Maybe it all comes back to my expectations.
I need to find a way to not take his LD as an insult to me.
The only thing I can think of is for me to keep losing weight and gaining confidence in myself.
i am with ll on this one (i think it was her ) that said please don't go down that tunnel about him really wanting to be with you - you need to stop that runaway thinking right now!
you have come so far, in really a short time shiny, you are still taking baby steps to make your marriage even better than it was before so keep looking at the good, like you are CUDDLING and CARESSING
oh my, that gives me goosebumps just thinking about that.
I've been wondering if my husband feels bad because society says men should have a higher drive than women.
I wonder if my HD makes him feel bad about himself. If so, I bet any unhappiness I express makes him feel worse about the whole thing, resulting in less action on his part.
When we've talked about it in the past, he's said he's not like other guys. So, he knows he's LD.
Maybe it all comes back to my expectations.
I need to find a way to not take his LD as an insult to me.
The only thing I can think of is for me to keep losing weight and gaining confidence in myself.
Whacha think about my theory and my solution?
Hugs!
the theory sounds right on!
the solution also sounds right on but be warned by one who knows it can backfire or rather add fuel to the fire.
if you loose weight and then suddenly h is more interested will you think that was the reason and resent him for it? or yourself for it?
if you loose all the weight and become and get all kinds of looks from other men but h is still not as interested as you like what then will you do???
SOOOO...this is something I have a few goals around...
In my sitch...I've come to think of this as an area where h and I lapsed into some polarized roles...I really don't see it as much different than many of the other struggles that we've had ...
In my sitch it (might! ASSumption here!) come down to..
I thought I was 2 or 3 steps ahead of h (in terms of energy, desire, etc)
He felt controlled
He felt "well, what I'm doing isn't good enough so why bother?"
etc.
Kind of the same dynamic as well, housework, but with all the emotional and physical and societal stuff piled on top of it.
I don't have any terrific answers...still working on this myself but my game plan includes:
1. let go of the need to be in control of this (frequency, etc)
2. Appreciate all that h does give (for example, shiny, cuddling sounds AWESOME! Does CJ know how much you appreciate that time he spent with you?)
3. etc
Not sure this makes too much sense!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
11 posts!! How the heck do the rest of you remember what each person said???
Well folks I'll do my best:
CJ and I were CRAZY in Love/Lust our first year together...I think this was a first for him (he'd only been with two other women) and although I DID take the lead, he was right there with me.
Things changed rather dramatically after the first year... ...Although he might argue this (please do, if you're reading, hon!) I'd have to say that for at least the last half of our M, I have the higher drive...more marked differences as the years have gone on.
Yes, I agree that my moment of doubt was rather precipitous...there are LOTS of other good things going on here.
AND wouldn't you know it, CJ made overtures this morning, but as I told him "your timing is impeccable!"...I started my period..
A little too late I offered to make it good for him...he was already half out of bed and said he didn't want to be selfish....should've just dragged him back!!!
As for "shaking things up" well, I've had really mixed results with that....We LOVED the whole lingerie thing at the beginning...but my first brush off came whilst I was dressed for nothing BUT...
It's worked off and on...but in the last year or so I'd say NOT. Not even on Valentines when we danced and drank wine and I wore....well it was sexy!
LL, funny, I've had the same thoughts you expressed: Is it that WE want it more, or that we want THEM to want it more?? Especially with the anti-d's toning down my sex drive I do wonder.
PnT...about the weight...here's a little story for what it's worth.
When I met CJ I weighed about 147 pounds (I'm 5' 2")...I am fortunate to have an hourglass shape that pretty much holds if I'm a size 6 (my smallest) or size 16 (my largest).
When we started dating (over a year and two surgeries later...) I was down in the 120's. When we got married I weighed pretty much what I do now (140)...but got up to 155+ within the first year (what does THAT say???).
Up and down a bit until my last big surgery 7 years ago...went in at 138, came out at 130 and worked out my way down to 115!!!
Kept up the exercise, toning, weights and stayed a buff 123-128 for the next 6 1/2 years. Now I've put 15 back on...
The moral (did you read all that???) NO perceptable change in CJ's libido, the frequency of our LM, compliments, NOTHING!!!
Now granted, CJ is not your "typical guy" in many regards, so this may just be another one.
But I wouldn't pin too many hopes on the weight being a pivotal issue...do it because it makes YOU feel better, healthier, more sexy...that will help no matter what!!!
And for the fella who posted (new poster, can't recall your handle!) thanks for letting me know that "working on it" is a viable plan!!!
...Although he might argue this (please do, if you're reading, hon!) I'd have to say that for at least the last half of our M, I have the higher drive...more marked differences as the years have gone on.
