WAW Using God

[MrBond]

That should have been the first thing to go especially at Retrouvaille. Sounds like she's lost in the fog with my W. Are you two remaining intimate or has she stopped all that?

[pigskin]

That should have been the first thing to go especially at Retrouvaille. Sounds like she's lost in the fog with my W. Are you two remaining intimate or has she stopped all that?

We sleep in the same bed but haven't been intimate in 3 months. And even then I wouldn't have called it intimacy. The emotional side obviously isn't there for her.

[MrBond]

Have you tried things like flirting with her to get her attention away from the OM? Not really over the top things, but slow actions like you did when you were dating.

[pigskin]

Have you tried things like flirting with her to get her attention away from the OM? Not really over the top things, but slow actions like you did when you were dating.

Funny you mention that, as I have just recently been subtly doing things that could be called flirting. No lingering or follow through, just quick comments, hugs, or pecks on the cheek at appropriate moments and then I leave/move on to what I was doing before. She will reciprocate hugs (not initiating but hugging back) but not kisses, but I really don't expect her to do anything. It does seem to lighten her mood and break the ice.

[pigskin]

Wife initiated a long R talk yesterday. Said how I've been so good to her and she feels like a horrible person because she doesn't reciprocate.

She has said from the day of the bomb that she needs to get away for a month to "figure out what I want". I have resisted from the get go since I felt it was just an easy way for the EA to escalate. She read it as me being unwilling to help her do what she needs to do to move us forward in whatever direction we end up going. I told her the reasons I resisted separation so she understood. Then I told her, "OK. Go. Do what you need to do." So she will likely move out for a month after the holidays to sort herself out.

She told me she is going to tell the OM no contact at all during this period. I kind of believe she will honor that, but she lies so much I am not going to be naive. I have no further cards to play, so this is just a move towards leaving limbo. I honestly feel like I'm taking a risk, but it is for my own good. She seemed touched that I would finally let her do this, and hugged me through tears.

Later on we got into an argument. One of my boundaries is that our children are not exposed to W's affair in any way, shape or form. I am adamant about this. On Sundays W usually takes our daughter with her to her church, while I go to a Catholic church with our two sons. But now I've learned the OM is attending W's church, and he sits there with my W (Daughter is checked into child care at the church before the service). When W asked what the plan was for today, I told her I'm taking our D with me to my church. She said "why?" I said "Because I want to." She said "Do you think she will be exposed to someone at my church?" I said "yes". She said "She's not". I said "That's not what she told me".

It blew up from there, with W furious that I "brought our D into this". Angry with me that I would ask our D questions (I made no mention of the OM in any negative tone. Just tried to find out what I have a right to know. D just answered the questions.) W was insistent that she is not exposed to anything. I told her I can't believe any word that comes out of her mouth. I can guarantee that D won't be exposed to anything when she's with me, so that's what I'm doing.

So wife is pissed; this obviously struck a nerve. Said I've "been a horrible f---ing husband for the last 13 years" in a voice loud enough for our children to hear downstairs (don't know if they did though). And then walked out of the room. Funny, but that comment didn't even hurt. I said nothing to her after she said it; hoping it would hurt her that she said it. Rolled off me like water off a duck's back.

After a while I went to her and told her if she ever spoke to me that way again (where the kids may have heard) I would kick her ass to the curb. I will not stand to be treated that way. We talked for a while and things calmed down a bit. She is upset that "I'm taking D away from something she loves (church's daycare)". I told her I'm upset that our D can't even go to church without the OM intruding. And made a comment to the effect of "how can you sit there in a house of God with the OM?" She said she's a horrible person. I told her she's not, and that I've never said that about her. I told her people do horrible things, but you condemn the act, not the person. Then I walked away.

This is the most interesting stuff that has happened in my situation in months. So it looks like we're exiting limbo kicking and screaming...

[pigskin]

Update:

Wife went to her church early to spend time by herself. Not long afterwards I got a voice mail apology for her comment and behavior (see above). But she also tried to explain how the OM at church actually helps her, as he answers questions that she has. She doesn't need him there, but she likes when he is. She doesn't expect me to understand that.

I told her she's just rationalizing but she said it's not that at all with regard to church.

Of course it wouldn't be, if the relationship with the OM hadn't crossed the line. She just doesn't get the fact that ANY contact is infidelity, no matter what the nature of it is. I don't care if they have the cure for cancer and must work together to produce it.

[Coach]

After a while I went to her and told her if she ever spoke to me that way again (where the kids may have heard) I would kick her ass to the curb. I will not stand to be treated that way.

Not long afterwards I got a voice mail apology for her comment and behavior (see above).

Boundary- your behavior will have consequences = positive, healthy results

But she also tried to explain how the OM at church actually helps her, as he answers questions that she has. She doesn't need him there, but she likes when he is. She doesn't expect me to understand that.

I told her she's just rationalizing but she said it's not that at all with regard to church.

Of course it wouldn't be, if the relationship with the OM hadn't crossed the line. She just doesn't get the fact that ANY contact is infidelity,

No boundary = unhealthy realtionship

Why can she speak to you in a way you don't like you will "kick her to the curb" but if she is being unfaithful it's OK because you are Catholic and won't divorce her? You send confusing messages to your wife. She's right, are you being a good husband?

She just doesn't get the fact that ANY contact is infidelity, no matter what the nature of it is.

Do you really believe that? Your actions don't say so. That's why your wife doesn't take you seriously. You "rationalized" away all your respect from your wife.

[pigskin]

She just doesn't get the fact that ANY contact is infidelity, no matter what the nature of it is.

Do you really believe that? Your actions don't say so. That's why your wife doesn't take you seriously. You "rationalized" away all your respect from your wife.

Thanks for the comments coach. I DO believe that. But I cannot stop my W from going to church and/or the OM from showing up there. I CAN keep my daughter from going with my W. A boundary regarding contact with OM at church would be unenforceable.

[Coach]

A boundary regarding contact with OM at church would be unenforceable.

Why? It's a choice your wife makes.

[TrentC]

A boundary regarding contact with OM at church would be unenforceable.

Why? It's a choice your wife makes.

If your D says that she sees the OM at church, then she can go stay with him. She gets to make a choice -- your family, or him.

If you articulate the consequences of her choice, then you can enforce them.