I really let it out at my IC session this morning. When I was done, he said he had been waiting for me to do that.
You see, I never really got upset when I was with him. I would be sad, but never angry. Every session started with "I want to stay married".
Today he asked me how I was and I said "mad". he smiled and asked why and I said that I was tired of being jerked around. I told him that I came to see him to work on MY problems, but I always focus on my M problems and right now, it has been made very clear to me that there is "no hope" we are getting divorced, we are done, etc... yet NOTHING is changing. She complains about Limbo...but she is the one making it, not me.
After I vented, he smiled again and said that he felt I was certainly in a state of starting to detatch, and that wasn't bad. It was good. He said that he see's so much progress in our sessions and he thinks that, if my wife is as confused as he thinks she is, she is delaying everything because she isn't sure.
I told him I was honestly questioning how sure I was about hanging on anymore. He said he could tell and that was a good thing.
We talked about my time away from home and what I do. I was honest with him, as I have been from day 1. He said he was impressed and that he felt I was doing nothing wrong. He did say that I seemed less hopeful, and he didn't want to string me along, but reminded me that I worked for over 2 months to get my W to counseling and considering it is tomorrow, I should "hang in there" for at least another day, but also cautioned that nothing should be expected tomorrow.
I plan for the worse...a safe environment for her to once again tell me everything I did wrong. That's fine. I know what I did wrong; she's the one who won't see her role in all of this.
In the end, I think it was a very good session. I felt pretty free afterward. I'm looking forward to talking with friends tonight and then going to C with my wife tomorrow to see what she has to say. Whatever is said, I will be fine. I'm expecting the worse so that if that does happen, I am prepared. if it doesn't, well that would be even better.
