We never see each other - he avoids me. Never rings her when I am with her. Never comes into the house when I am here.
The problem is that they are at college together on the same course. They help each other through it. He helps her through our problems. She helps him through his marriage breakdown and health issues. He has a car - which she needs deserately (?). She allows him to stay at her brothers since he got chucked out of his home by his wife...
So they help each other in so many ways - this is why I think it is a R of convenience - not a true R. This is an important differance.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Nothing has ever happend like this before. The docs think that the stress of her personal life caused the symptoms.
My WAW has said to several other people that she knows she needs to get away more from the EA. The EA has a LOT of physical and mental issues. He can not go out alone - he has to be accompanied, and is often incapacitatated by his bad health - nearly 1 a week at least.
We will have some contact - we have 2 boys.
But you recommend she does not join us for the fireworks?
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
t is inappropriate and should not be allowed to undermine your marriage.
I agree whole heartly. But how do I break it!
Do I sit idlely (?) by and let it go on its merry course,while I try to be the best father I can be whilst trying to rebuild myself. How should I interact with her while this is going on? Short and cold w/o any compassion. Or like a next door neighbour. Or project an PMA, and try to lie my way through it all with her?
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Are you advising that I hold my tongue for the moment
I believe it is best to feel the feelings in the moment, understand what they are, and delay your response.
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My emotions are high at the moment and I feel I would aggressively show my anger.
Ask yourself, would this make the R better or worse?
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Should I tell her how angry I am?
Will this make the R better or worse? If your intention is to draw W back, I don't think this is the time to express your anger. Right now is the time to be compassionate.
But if it is a 180, Maybe in an email: When you (action), I feel (emotion) because (specific).
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Should I invite her for the fireworks - or let her invite herself.
You are in the "REDUCING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS" phase. Next phase is "DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIP"
Two choices:
1) "We are going to the fireworks on XDAY. You are welcome to join us, but I will understand if you chose not to join us"
2) Treat her like a cat, if she comes around great, if not great.
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I still think she is very confused - but some things make me so angry.
Channel that anger into positive actions. The question I ask my son, "Is it OK to be happy and smile?" Son says YES. "Then it is OK to be Angry. How you express your anger is what is important. Is it better to hit your sister, or go to your room and calm down....."
It is OK to be the "Victim" and express your anger to US.
Here is how I channel my anger: First, feel my anger, acknowledge the feeling of being victimized, then forgive the person that I FEEL caused my anger. I then take accountability for my choices/actions that brought me into the current situation and LEARN to change my behavior. (Radical Forgiveness is a great book on this process and why it is important for YOU)
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Am I right in stopping ALL physical contact?
Is this is a boundary you have put in place to protect yourself from getting hurt? Is it done in retaliation?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
naw, tell her "sorry, I cant talk right now." or if she texts, respond with, "why is it everytime you text I am taking a crap. I'll get back to you later."
Simply brilliant - first laugh I have had in days !!!!
Priceless.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
But you recommend she does not join us for the fireworks?
NO.
make it about you and the boys! happy meals, a nerf football, bags of 1/2 price halloween candy and if you have to drop them back off with her a 2 litter bottle of Mountain Dew.
if they ask, say mom just got out of the hospital she should rest, lets go play football. if she asks just say, No.
why put yourself through it. anger, resentment, "the knowing." too negative. make everything happy, positive, about you (and the guys). move upward, stay away from sickoville.
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix Are you advising that I hold my tongue for the moment I believe it is best to feel the feelings in the moment, understand what they are, and delay your response. OK.
Quote: My emotions are high at the moment and I feel I would aggressively show my anger. Ask yourself, would this make the R better or worse? No brainer...... thanks
Quote: Should I tell her how angry I am? Will this make the R better or worse? If your intention is to draw W back, I don't think this is the time to express your anger. Right now is the time to be compassionate. The problem is that there is conflicting advice on this. I am more drawn to the compassionate approach.
Quote: Should I invite her for the fireworks - or let her invite herself. You are in the "REDUCING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS" phase. Next phase is "DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIP"
Two choices:
1) "We are going to the fireworks on XDAY. You are welcome to join us, but I will understand if you chose not to join us"
2) Treat her like a cat, if she comes around great, if not great. This would be hurtful to my boys. This is not what they want. I must protect them from this. To do this I must try to offer the hand to my WAW to join us. Even if I must turn the other cheek......
Quote: Am I right in stopping ALL physical contact? Is this is a boundary you have put in place to protect yourself from getting hurt? Is it done in retaliation? No and Yes. I feel that the hugs are a bit of 'cheeseless tunneling' at the moment. I am not sure if doing a 180 in this would help - but I have to find the cheese.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
You let it run it's course, but DO NOT SUPPORT IT. Set boundaries that are healthy for YOU. PuppDogTails has good insight. Search out his posts.
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Do I sit idlely (?) by
Take actions when your bondaries are crossed.
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and let it go on its merry course
You have no control over the other two. Just yourself. Control your thoughts words and actions.
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while I try to be the best father I can be whilst trying to rebuild myself.
BE the best father and YOU you can and focus on growing in both areas.
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How should I interact with her while this is going on? Short and cold w/o any compassion. Or like a next door neighbour.
I am currently treating MsR2C as a "Love and Logic" child (good book by the way). Compassion and Empathy followed by choices. I observe her interactions with me, delay my response.
