I had an IC session today and she thinks I should tell H what I'm doing before I actually sign (preferably tonight),
No. I still think one week, tops. Let the whatever hang over your head. It'll be better than 3 weeks of his B.S.At least apply the 48 hour rule: see what you think Thursday.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
so that it's more of a mutual decision
It's not.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
it gives him one last chance to come to his senses (which is doubtful but he'll get his chance)
He's had his chances.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
H, I've done a lot of thinking about our discussion last Sunday, and it's probably a good idea for us to try a separation unless you have any other ideas. have decided a separation is the best thing right now. I decided to go ahead and get the apartment- I canplan to sign the lease this weekend and move out right after Thanksgiving. I don't plan on filing anything immediately- I would like to see how this goes first. I'll put together some numbers and separation proposals together re: kids, Christmas, money, furniture- so we can discuss how we want to work this.
My $.02. ((()))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
H, I've done a lot of thinking about our discussion last Sunday, and it's probably a good idea for us to try a separation unless you have any other ideas. have decided a separation is the best thing right now. I decided to go ahead and get the apartment- I canplan to will sign the lease this weekend and move out right after Thanksgiving. I don't plan on filing anything immediately- I would like to see how this goes first. I'll put together some numbers and separation proposals together re: kids, Christmas, money, furniture- so we can discuss how we want to work this.
Took out some more wiggle words. I like the one week idea a lot better. When you can say you HAVE signed the lease.
Thank you for the support yesterday, it really helped seal in my mind how I wanted to handle things with H.
Moving on to venting-
If H doesn't see either of us changing enough to make the other happy, why does he still talk about future plans? It feels like a mind-f**k- what does he want from me? He's asking if I'm still looking for curtains for the master bedroom, if we should look into updating our insurance policies (and not because of separating, just due to getting older), etc. I feel like a fraud sitting there knowing that I'm on the way out.
Another poster remarked on his WAW turning into Mrs Clean right before she left. I think I get that- I have that same urge. I want to leave things neat and tidy, I have a couple pairs of pants for H that I need to finish mending, I made progress on organizing family paperwork, etc. I don't want to leave loose ends...
I'm working on lists of stuff to get ready for the move. At least looking at furniture on-line is kinda fun- there are a couple things I will need to purchase. I am watching that price column very carefully- I am not about to screw myself in this process.
If H doesn't see either of us changing enough to make the other happy, why does he still talk about future plans? It feels like a mind-f**k- what does he want from me? He's asking if I'm still looking for curtains for the master bedroom, if we should look into updating our insurance policies (and not because of separating, just due to getting older), etc. I feel like a fraud sitting there knowing that I'm on the way out.
I was looking around in the basement last night, making mental notes, and I realized there's one thing on my list that I can't take with me this month- my POOL TABLE!! No room in the apartment, d**n it. (Believe, it works for ladies as well as guys for setting the scene for starting over.) But that will have to be later when I'm in a house, I guess. But I'm making sure that he knows he doesn't get to keep it- it used to be my Dad's, so that's mine!! I think just about anything my family gave us, I'm taking with me, even if it's just going into storage.
I was reading about some of the other guys "de-wifing" the house after WAW moves out. H won't have much to do at all. There are no pictures of me/us/our family hanging on the walls. There are some old photos of parents, grandparents, etc, and I'm taking those that are from my family. Otherwise, just one each of the kids. We used to have more up, but H wouldn't let me re-hang them after wallpapering. Believe me, hanging those pictures are the first thing I'm doing when I get in there (well, except the wedding pictures- those are going into safe-keeping).
Another poster remarked on his WAW turning into Mrs Clean right before she left. I think I get that- I have that same urge. I want to leave things neat and tidy, I have a couple pairs of pants for H that I need to finish mending, I made progress on organizing family paperwork, etc. I don't want to leave loose ends...
Watch your need to 'control' those loose ends.. they will be there regardless as you can't predict what they all will be.
I also went through the "mrs. Clean" thing, before I left most everything in house, yard, garage & barn.. neat, clean, organized.. including the stocking & organizing the pantry & freezer, cleaning out the closets & drawers, mulched flower beds, trimmed lawn, pruned trees & bushes, cleaned & organized shelves & rafters in the garage, horse & camper items in the barn...
Everything was ready for him to take over being 'in charge' of actually taking care of it all instead of just griping about how I took care of it, for a change. It was a bit overwhelming, yet cathartic as well. I think for WAS not in the throes of an affair this may be more common than not. but JMHO.
Originally Posted By: spybunny
I'm working on lists of stuff to get ready for the move. At least looking at furniture on-line is kinda fun- there are a couple things I will need to purchase. I am watching that price column very carefully- I am not about to screw myself in this process.
good for you.. I used craigs list, goodwill, kijiji, eBay types of places to find things to round out my household goods I needed once I moved.
you're doing great. Keep your boundaries in place & take care of you.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
He wouldn't let you hang pics of the kids? Because of wallpaper? He's got some serious control issues! Wait a minute.... we already knew that!
As far as future-talk... he's in denial. In his mind, despite the fact that you have been hitting him over the head with it, theres' nothing wrong. And meek little Bunny certainly wouldn't leave. So why not talk about the future?
Besides holes in the wallpaper, he thought it was a vanity issue to hang pictures of our family, something like that. He just doesn't like them. Whatever. My kids' baby pictures are going back up, along with the Fist Communion portraits and current school pic for D17 and S18's Senior Pic.
He's gotta wonder if something's up, or he is in serious denial. Things should be a clue, like me talking to the MC by myself at the last appt, and staying home yesterday (I was copying financial records off the computer besides seeing my IC. I was hoping to get more done but he came home early- I didn't know he had a dr appt.) I know I can't worry about what he's thinking, and I'm not counting on any revelations by him while I'm packing or after I'm gone.
That's good Bunny. I'd love to say I thought he would change. But if he is, it isn't going to be a lightning bolt. It's going to be a long term thing, and it isn't going to happen if you are still there. I'm pretty confident of that.
