Keep Your Hands Offa My Mojo

[pitinmygut]

And doing that, I could see where I'd made some tactical errors to be sure -- but on the whole nothing that would have led (I think) to a decisively different outcome. The bottom line was this: WAW cannot give up the notion -- which would be consistent with my 22 years of knowing her -- that she's in charge.

Recall, you who have been following the Saga of Smiley's Person, that one of the "bads" I did in the marriage -- one of the things I had to 180 -- was that I "let" WAW be in control. Polarity, unmanly, etc.

I'd sort of forgotten, however, just how much of a Control Freak WAW really is. So as I can see, the way I evaluated her seeming re-thinking of the Big D (don't mean Dallas) was this: She took Ultimate Power -- ameliorating her own feelings of powerlessness in the marriage (as told to me and two marriage counselors) -- when she dropped the Bomb. She would define when the marriage ended, and it was then.

Thinking about the control observation. I thought the Greek was a control freak too. What she really wanted was security in the issues she needed me to lead on. But to me it looked like control, when it was really the opposite, she wanted me to take on more of the responsibility. The things I viewed as her wanting to control were the things that caused her the most stress. The more she wanted control the more I backed up, I thought she was handling it. This is a Mars/Venus issue.

My experience taught me that if someone was grabbing for all the power and control then they did not want or need help. This is man think. The analogy that helped me was of a dinner party. Man cooking on his grill with 5 different meats, 3 vegetables and two sauces going (plus the beer marinating in the cooler.) Does this guy want your help? No, it's his domain. Your job is too drink his beer,look over his shoulder, nod approvingly and say something meaningless - "that's what I'm talking 'bout." Now, woman in the kitchen - she's making all the sides, setting the table, keeping the appetizers moving, keeping wine glasses full, and clearing the sink. She wants and welcomes help, all the woman intuitively slide right in and get busy. The woman is in control but she wants and needs the help - support, love, talk, and bonding.
One of my "AHA" moments in DBing.



Sorry about your buddy. It's heartbreaking news.

Cheers Mate

Puts things in a very different light. I can see now where I failed to help out the W when I should have.