A couple tearful breakdowns and yet another conversation about asking for forgiveness, BF finally (although seemingly begrudgingly) asked for forgiveness. I scoffed, it sounded like a small child being told to apologize for hitting someone so he did. And at that point I told BF I probably could forgive him for the A but couldn't forgive him for taking so damn long to ask for forgiveness. I said we need to go to counseling because I am tired of feeling like I am/we are stuck and not moving forward.
Then things went back to "normal" and nothing was said for a week or so. And I can feel the resentment building up again, that things aren't normal yet and we're just going back into old an not good patterns of not talking.
But things did change. We argued about planning a vacation. BF went up to bed but came back down to talk about it because he didn't want to go to bed with things unresolved. So we talked, realized we weren't getting anywhere with the convo, but it felt better because we talked. The vacation got planned the following day and we both appreciated the other's way of thinking.
A couple days ago was the anniversary of the first bomb: the "I'm not happy and haven't been for the last five years" talk. I made it through the day with only a few twinges and didn't mention it to BF. I'm nervous about going into the anniversay season--last year at this time you were X, Y, Z. I'm trying to approach it without dwelling or wallowing but I'm not confident I'll be completely successful.
Last night BF said let's talk. I had a small flutter in my heart, that small twinge of fear. He said it's not bad. He wanted to restate that he's sorry for everything he's put me through. He asked for forgiveness for the affair and also for taking so long to ask for forgiveness. Then he went on to talk about our sex life which was a major reason behind the affair. He feels like a huge weight has lifted and now he's enjoying just cuddling without it having to lead to anything more. That was one of my complaints in the past but recently has been an area of concern that I hadn't voiced. I feel like I've been initiating all the time and worried that he wasn't initiating because something was wrong. It was so good to hear his reasons and find out they're good. It was so good to know that we were talking about things and feel like we're getting closer.
I'm still a little ambivalent about our future. But in the past week I decided to just move forward as if we're going to make it. I have to make a decision and stick to it, either let this R go and explore the greener grass option or commit to this R and work on it. So I'm choosing this R and working on making it the best possible R for me and for us.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
