As far as talking about the D or R, my wife had mentioned that she wanted to talk more about what was going on sometime soon. Now I perceive it is best to listen to what she has to say. More than likely she is going to also ask me if I feel better about the decision. What approach do I take to that question. So far she has asked that already and I replied "I have just been thinking about everything and figure some things out for myself" Is that the proper way to go about that? When she wants to talk about what to do, I am planning to try to avoid giving any input on my part but just telling her that I don't wan to talk about it that I want to clear my head and figure things out. Any advice to go about this?
Yes.
- VALIDATE her ("I'm really sorry you feel that way"); even AGREE with her ("I agree -- I've been thinking too, and I'm beginning to think I've made a mistake as well");
- GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing -- just LISTEN. "I'll have to give that some thought," or "That sounds like it has legal ramifications; it's probably best that I discuss that with my attorney" (use "my" and not "an");
- DO let her know that YOU have some decision to make, too -- this isn't just all her thing!
- DON'T make any concessions -- just let her know you've HEARD her concerns, VALIDATE them, and promise to get back with her.
If she asks you how you're doing, say something like "Considering what's been done here, remarkably well. It's forced me to do a lot of thinking myself."
The idea is not to be all pollyanna, but to let her know that you're STRONG, that you're ALSO reconsidering some things, and that YOU'LL BE JUST FINE, either way. You may still LOVE her, and WANT your marriage, but you don't NEED it.
That final distinction is important -- more for yourself even than for her.
