Yikes! Need help, please.

[Super Girl]

I just logged onto my FB. He had married to (my name) in his profile. Now it says nothing.

Sorry to hear that.

Hope he's willing to explain to everyone why his status changed.

People probably don't even pay attention to that. I just looked because I knew that was the kind of thing he would pull. Interesting that he didn't unfriend me, though.

[TrentC]

My intent wasn't to guilt him, I just thought maybe I should tell him the truth about how they are really doing.

But that's how he will take it. This is the guy who said to stop letting the kids call because it upset him, right?

I'd hate for him to think they are hunky dory when they are the exact opposite of that.

He knows; he's heard their phone calls. His "how are the kids doing?" is small talk to him.

[TrentC]

People probably don't even pay attention to that. I just looked because I knew that was the kind of thing he would pull. Interesting that he didn't unfriend me, though.

I wouldn't worry about it either way. He either didn't think about it, or he wanted you to see his status change. You have too much to worry about to get concerned over what your H does on Facebook.

[TrentC]

I just read the email you were planning to send, and here are my thoughts:

You asked how the kids were, and I said fine. I did that to spare your feelings and not create drama.[1] The truth is, they are not fine. D11 is acting out severely. Her grades have tanked. She got a 23 on a math quiz, she is refusing to participate in PE, she is doing her homework, but not turning it in, and she has to spend next week going to tutorials for math work she absolutely knows how to do. I asked her why she got the 23, and she snapped...maybe I just made some computation errors and stormed off. Last night, she blew up at Grandpa and actually threw a back scratcher at him.

D8 and S5 cry daily and beg me to tell you to come home. I tell them I am sorry, and we will get through this and be okay. I always tell them it is my fault you left, not theirs.[2] D8 asked me if she could hope, and I didn't know what to say. Couldn't bring myself to tell a little girl there is no point in hoping.[3] Her world should be filled with hopes and dreams right now. She wouldn't even sing Louis Armstrong "What a Wonderful World" at her school performance. She just stood there mumbling.

D10, seems to have internalized the whole thing. I caught her crying in her bed and I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling. She said she was fine with it and told me she had something in her eye.

I don't know what we need to do, but we need to help them make this transition. They are broken and they didn't do a thing to deserve it.

Please, give me your thoughts.[4]

1: Stop that right now. He doesn't deserve to have his feelings spared. You are enabling his behavior by doing this.

2: Bullshit. You don't get to put this on yourself; he's already doing that to you. Don't ever do that again.

3: There is nothing wrong with hoping. I mean, that's what you are doing and why you are here, right? Just make it clear to your kids that Daddy chose to leave, so it's his choice to come back.

4: Who gives a damn what his "thoughts" are? This is pursuing. He doesn't want to think about what his selfish behavior is doing to his family.

[Super Girl]

[But that's how he will take it. This is the guy who said to stop letting the kids call because it upset him, right?

Yes. *sigh*

He knows; he's heard their phone calls. His "how are the kids doing?" is small talk to him.

What is the point of making small talk with me?

[chatterbug]

People probably don't even pay attention to that. I just looked because I knew that was the kind of thing he would pull. Interesting that he didn't unfriend me, though.

I wouldn't worry about it either way. He either didn't think about it, or he wanted you to see his status change. You have too much to worry about to get concerned over what your H does on Facebook.

Mine did the same. Also changed her name to both our last names. Then removed her name from all her photo tags of us ( would this be the facebook tagged.. I think i would rather have the other real life tag... LOL )and de-friended me...
Man if I was 17 I would have been so ticked off.... Since I am 39 I just think its sad, that a grown woman would play such games.

[Super Girl]

1: Stop that right now. He doesn't deserve to have his feelings spared. You are enabling his behavior by doing this.

I don't understand what I should be doing. I guess I should just not mention him and let the kids think whatever then want? I just want what is best for them.

[2: Bullshit. You don't get to put this on yourself; he's already doing that to you. Don't ever do that again.

Why not? My husband left me. Clearly, something is so wrong with me (in his eyes), that leaving his children was a better alternative than being around me.

[3: There is nothing wrong with hoping. I mean, that's what you are doing and why you are here, right? Just make it clear to your kids that Daddy chose to leave, so it's his choice to come back.

Yes, I hope, but the idea of her hoping and then having the dream crushed kills me. No little girl should have to waste her hopes wishing Daddy would come home.

[4: Who gives a damn what his "thoughts" are? This is pursuing. He doesn't want to think about what his selfish behavior is doing to his family.

I thought as co-parents we should care and do something about our children's suffering. I wasn't emailing him for me, I honestly was going to do it for them. I need to help them!!

[Super Girl]

Since I am 39 I just think its sad, that a grown woman would play such games.

It is a game, really. He knew I would see it, and he knew it would bug me.

[Super Girl]

Trent, what do I tell them when they ask why he choose to leave? I always say Dad left because of me. Your father loves you and this has nothing to do with you. D11 says if he loved us he would be here.

It's hard. I can't tell them why he left because I don't really know why he left.

[TrentC]

1: Stop that right now. He doesn't deserve to have his feelings spared. You are enabling his behavior by doing this.

I don't understand what I should be doing. I guess I should just not mention him and let the kids think whatever then want? I just want what is best for them.

What is best for them is for their spoiled, selfish father to figure out what kind of relationship he wants with his kids. And let him explain it to them.

[2: Bullshit. You don't get to put this on yourself; he's already doing that to you. Don't ever do that again.

Why not? My husband left me. Clearly, something is so wrong with me (in his eyes), that leaving his children was a better alternative than being around me.

Hope that pity party is working for you.

Your taking the blame for this means you are setting an expectation in your kids' minds that you can do something to fix it. You can't; the operative phrase is "in his eyes". You can't control how he feels about you, except to change yourself.

3: There is nothing wrong with hoping. I mean, that's what you are doing and why you are here, right? Just make it clear to your kids that Daddy chose to leave, so it's his choice to come back.

Yes, I hope, but the idea of her hoping and then having the dream crushed kills me. No little girl should have to waste her hopes wishing Daddy would come home.

It is your choice how to deal with that. I just think that being honest with the kids about whose choice it was to leave is best. They're going to figure it out eventually, anyway.

[4: Who gives a damn what his "thoughts" are? This is pursuing. He doesn't want to think about what his selfish behavior is doing to his family.

I thought as co-parents we should care and do something about our children's suffering. I wasn't emailing him for me, I honestly was going to do it for them. I need to help them!!

Which brings me back to "he doesn't want to think about what his behavior is doing to his family".

Answer me honestly: has any attempt to get him to own up to his responsibilities to his kids worked yet? Has any tearful phone call from his kids had any affect on his decision to leave?

My guess is no.

Whether you are doing it for yourself or for your kids, he doesn't want to hear it. And pushing him to be the dad he is supposed to be will probably work just as well as pushing him to be the husband he is supposed to be.