Why would you "reward" her temper tantrum? Sounds like keeping her in cake eating mode. Sorry for being blunt.
I think a stronger response might be more along the lines of your little smile and just walking away.
It was just somethng I wanted to do. It was a reward for me too.
EB,
Can YOU handle this? That's really the question. I don't think I could. If this woman has said she is not interested in being M'd to me, then why would I want her to have sex with me? I understand going without, believe me. And that is difficult.
But, if you are truly able to handle this without any of your emotions being stoked, then good.
Just be very careful. I agree with Hope that this IS cake eating on your W's part. It may also be a form of her exerting control over you. She gives you a little here and there to keep you in the game and interested in her.
Again, I'm not telling you NOT to do this, just make sure you aren't emotionally affected by it. And that, well, that would be tough to avoid.
I completely get it. You're right. It's a hard thing to deal with and I don't get it either.
She wanted to be close and so did I. I'm not sure what to make of it though.
I've been wanting to tell her to put her ring on and start working on our M or leave. I need more than this. I still am leaning toward that...even after last night.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I completely get it. You're right. It's a hard thing to deal with and I don't get it either.
She wanted to be close and so did I. I'm not sure what to make of it though.
I've been wanting to tell her to put her ring on and start working on our M or leave. I need more than this. I still am leaning toward that...even after last night.
Good for you, man. I cannot sit here and tell you I could/would fend that off if W did that to me.
But, the key is being self-aware to the point of being to say to yourself whether you can honestly handle it.
You can, and are, handling the sitch, as Coach says. But this is different.
Just be careful and be very self-aware and honest with yourself.
Can u pinpoint why you are down? I mean the base of it, the core? Is the reason you are down a rational thought? If not, change your thought. And you will be surprised that your emotions will follow.
I just start feeling good being closer to her for a few hours then reality hits me. It's not that bad though. I have accepted the potential outcomes. Accepted...but it doesn't mean I am looking forward to reality.
I'll be OK either way.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm travelling and having a hard time getting around to catching up on here.
The conversation was kind of all over the place and was a lot of the old stuff. She hates that when I do something that she doesn't like or when we disagree, I explan myself, my thoughts, and my actions. It seems pretty clear to me that this is how communication works. She said it invalidates her.
I can ask her point of view and can even give concessions, but if I don't tell her that she is full on right it sets her defensive against me. She did say this time that she looks forward to when she doesn't feel so defensive against me though. That's something.
When we have had disagreements I generally reach out to her and tell her why I feel the way that I do. Her response it to "show me," to get defensive. Her defensiveness escallates my need to feel heard and I explan myself more. It's a horrible cycle.
She's still defensive and feels attacked every time I talk it seems. Example: I may want her to bring S home after school so I can spend time with him...she brings him to her GF's house. I tell her that I wish she had let me know she was going to do this because it affects my plans and I would like to see S. She goes off the deep end about how I am controlling her and don't want her to have friends. Huh? What? If I try to tell her my reasons, she says I am trying to "talk the issue away," and invalidate her.
Believe it or not, it was a very calm conversation. I led. I always lead. We ended it with a hug.
There have been a few hugs and kisses here and there since. She was feeling sick Sunday and Monday so I made sure to get her things from the store and take care of S. I gave her lots of space too. She even approached me that night to thank me and give me some hugs and she's texted me a few times over the past couple of days that I have been out of town.
We've been through these ups and downs before though so I am finding myself not reading too much into it. Afterall, she did go to her GF's (God I hate that relationship) Halloween party until 1:30 the other night.
She has 1/2 a foot in, which is better than it was I guess.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
