I have second meeting with counselor tonight and plan on discussing the following things with him. I am thinking these will be my points of direction for my life.
Some of this is really dbing principles said slightly differently. But...I finally am putting together my own thoughts in my own way.
Your comments appreciated...
1. The pending separation is not my idea. My idea of staying together and working though things may be honorable, but is not possible - not now. Therefore, I must accept that and move on. I have no control over my wife, only over me.
2. I am living my worst case scenario right now. The "I need out now" is still fresh, we are still living together in the same house, still legally and financially bound etc - all while my wife is already gone in her mind. I am already "alone" without the benefits of being alone. I am "ok" while living the worst case, so I will be better at any other time. Some day my alone will include my own home (not filled with memories), my own space, financial individuality and the freedom to explore a new relationship.
3. My wife wants to be away from me so badly, that she is willing to leave her kids and home. With that in mind, why would I even think a reconciliation is possible without major changes? Would I think another woman would want to be married to me, spend the rest of her life with me, if I knew she felt the way my wife does? Time to accept that and realize that right now, I don't want someone here who doesn't want to be here.
4. I must forgive myself for my sins. Don't forget them, so that I can still learn from them. But ask God to forgive and forgive myself.
5. I can't base my opinion of me, in any way on what my wife says or does. That's basically detaching, but a little more than that. I have always needed her affirmation to feel good in any way. That's not healthy and I can't have that now anyway, so I need to develop true self respect and pride.
6. It's ok for me to think about me first right now. Yes, my kids matter, but I can't be of any value to them, until I feel better about me.
7. While my wife says she wants me "in her life" and to "be friends", I have the right to feel otherwise. If as time goes by, I feel differently, than I do. I still have no intention of being mean or nasty, but being friends with my former spouse isn't required. If I want to be apart from her completely, other than when it involves our children, that is my right.
8. Our marriage is over now. Not in one month when she moves out. Not in January after the family vacation. Now. There is a very slight chance that we could have a "second" marriage some day, but this one is over.
Just typing that out and reading it back was tough for me, but good for me to. I am almost there.......almost.
