It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

[sandycay]

Well,

Another weird convo last night..... in which he restated his postion of not loving me, wanting to leave, I am packing my bags tomorrow because that is what is fair to you. That's funny how he chooses to be nice enough to leave me!

So, I mmmm'd a lot during the oonversation and inerejected only when he said "Sandy I talk to all the guys in the neighborhood and they all feel the same way about their wives... I called BS on that and said "so do you think then it's typical in a marraige to have ups and downs and that you perservere?" Silence...

S: Isn't that what they are doing
H: Yes, but they will all end up bitter old men
S: Wow, I don't know that many bitter old men
H: humph...well I don't want to be one of those
S: so what you are telling me is that leaving a perfeclty good wife, kids, and home life are going to make you happier.
H: silence
S: see this makes no sense because you say yor tired of feeling guilty for not loving me... but you if you leave you'll feel quilty for leaving... so which is worse? Everyone you work with is married and let's not forget that your boss (Full Bird COL) lives behind us was probalby somewhat aware of what happened before although H wasn't workign for him then. So then all the "men" at work who are in long term marraiges won't really respect you... probably will effect your ability to get jobs cause of nieghbor man will notnrespect you doing that. Then all the neighbor men knowing that you left us again... doesn't make sense from the "man" you claim to want to be and have been for 20 years.... it just doesn't make sense for you to say you want to be honorable and do the right thing and you think that is leaving again... look around you .... is that what the other men that you hold in high esteem are doing?

H: No

S: so forgive me that it doesn't make any sense
H: ok so nevermind
S: what
H: never mind we never had the conversation
S: uum funny but the elephant is still in the room
H: so what do you want me to do
S: HOnor your commitment to me and our marriage and our family
H: *rubs head and sighs* OKay
S: Great *rolls over to go to sleep* *then feels H arms slide under her head for the first time in a week*

This am woke to a H who pulled me over to ML, joke around and had a good morning getting kids off ML again and off to work and as he was leaving

S: *kiss kiss* I like you *said in my I love you voice
H: laughed and said I like you too!


Ok, so now what? I feel like I am leaving in Looney Land... I know he wants to leave and I know right now guilting him into staying is working but realistically I ain't gonnna pull those out again. I did tell him though that I was disappointed that after all the years of travel he know comes thru with a basically non travel job and now he wants to leave...

He also said that when he comes home from work and my car is not home it's a relief cause he won't have to look at my hurting eyes.... it's not like I mope around and don't have a life but I won't be home if I can help it and I will try to leave him alone as much as possible.

He says he wishes he would have left me alone because I was doing fine when he came back the 1st time..... he said I would be fine and happy if he left eventually.... we are wasting years of our lives!

Blech... I have no idea how to right this for myself.

[BobbiJo]

Wow! Our h's are alike in their thinking it seems...

Mine said his "spark" was gone and he didn't know how to find it...so he was going to leave me alone so I had the chance to be with a man whose face 'lit up' when he saw me and vice/versa. Heaven forbid he try to re-light the spark himself.

But you have the ML going for you, that's one thing I haven't had in a year! Not sure where this is headed for you but it has to screw with your mind. I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop if it were me. I am thinking of you and sending my mental support.

[Kalni]

Sandy,
I dont know what to say. I may be projecting here, I maybe waaaaay off but, he sounds like he is in the middle. In the middle of something. I cant really put my finger on it but his back and forth isnt...right.

These discussions sound like tests to me. What is it that he is after? There is a piece of the puzzle missing here.
K

[sandycay]

Yes K

There is a piece of the puzzle missing... is it her resurfacing? IDK, he does have a business trip starting next Sunday thru Thurs or Friday.

She may be coming to see him and maybe he is prepping himself for that... however, he says and promises he hasn't talked to her in over a year.... but we I am no dummy and I know how empty those promises can be.

I wonder if he remembers me telling him if she ever touched my life again ... I will have her job and I haven't told him that his mother said to me as little as two weeks ago that if he ever has anything to do with that "piece of sh*t" ever she's done with him... (that suprised me). I have not reminded him of any of this cause frankly if that's what is gonna happen, that's what is gonna happen... I just want to know so I can move forward for sure.

His meeting is about 3 hours north of here and he has not been opposed to me coming up there so I can explore the city so one would think that he would be opposed to that if she was coming.

I seriously don't see any other signs except is withdrawal but isn't that a sign of MLC? I know it's also a sign of OW. I will be relieved for this trip to be over, it may be very telling. I wish I could hire a PI, because I am ready to make a move in some direction.

[BobbiJo]

Sandy---

I have been thinking about you. Feel bad I don't post much to ya lately. I just don't have those elusive pearls of wisdom for your sitch.

I could tell when H told me his face didn't "light up" for me anymore, he meant it. How do you fight that?

I don't know...I guess you don't. You live your best life (man I HATE sounding like Oprah!) and either they recognize you for the amazing woman you are, or they don't and it is their loss.

It just sucks, though....

[kat727]

I don't think I have ever posted before. I am sorry that you find yourself in your current situation. I remember reading an article on lodo's thread where the lady kept telling her H that she wasn't buying it. She kept GALing, but whenever her H said something along the lines of not being in love with her she repeated her "phrase". I am not sure that I buy that anyone right off the bat would have it so together that they could respond that way but it worked for her in the long run.

Maybe even just that response would be a shock to them. Either way it couldn't hurt. Life is certainly too short to be lived in limbo.

kat

[Kalni]

And there is something else I read, it said that during the process of reconciliation, the couple contantly doubts they will be successful. At some point, it is VERY effective if they just "agree" that no matter what "it IS going to work". No doubts, no buts, no what ifs irrelevant to current feelings. It takes the weight off the shoulders.

You husband sounds like if he is second guessing your marriage, his choice etc. Maybe he is tired of not "knowing" things "will be ok". I know you are.
Just a thought,
Stay strong
K

[Tomato]

i will say a special prayer for you sandy. hope you are doing great today and are smiling a lot.

T

[sandycay]

Thanks guys for stopping by.

H is coming home today from a weeek trip. He shared with me last night that he wants a D, he just doesn't want all the things that come with it...i.e... destroying lives, financial issues, me taking the kids across the country to live.

He ask me at one point don't I know that he likes me?
It's not me it's him... he doesn't know what's wrong.... he has tried .... doens't know what to do.... it's not fair to me.... I deserve to be loved and to love someone who returns it..... he dreads coming home (even though he just said that he likes me)...

So I figure he is coming home and packing and leaving.... seems I have failed busting this divorce.

I am very sad. He will regret this one day.... I regret that when I let he come home he sat across from our children and promised to "never do this again, I will never, ever leave again".

I am sad that the person you should trust most in the world and suppose to be a role model is going to teach them the meaning of a promise is meaningless....

[kjensen]

Hi Sandycay,
Maybe this is posting too late... but what about trying to act "As if" H will stay afterall. Since he is still waffling alot- so rather than seeing the hurt and sadness in your eyes he might see that you are really glad to have him home.. Its certainly harder to walk away from a person who is happy to see you than someone who is sad and hurt and you know you are the one who caused those feelings...

Thinking of you and hoping its working out today.