It's not all going to be steps toward your goal. He is still himself, you know! I'm impressed that he has been dialoguing and wanted to make the drive. Don't let negative thinking get you down. Just focus on the positive. Yes, some days you have to wear blinders. And keep taking the little steps forward.
We dialogued on a question that was essentially (using a hurricane destroyed house for the analogy) how do you feel about rebuilding your relationship? Initially his sounded postive(ish) but in elaborating, he said that it was like waiting for the final number in bingo or the lottery to be called [hopeful, anxious] but then a different number comes up (not the number you needed) and you feel disappointment. His other example was looking forward to something and upon reflection, feeling disappointed. I didn't take that very well; the question was how do you feel about rebuilding. The way it was answered felt like he already knew what he planned to do. Long story short, we had 2 dialogues to do tonight (we skipped last night) and it didn't go well. He left early because he was tired and had a headache, but also because he needed to "reflect on what happened tonight."
The reason I am worried is because in trying to dig deeper about the disappointment comment, he said that maybe he meant disappointed like looking at the destroyed house and feeling like there isn't any foundation and so any rebuilding won't be good. And here is where I might have made the big mistake- I said "if you're saying there's no foundation, then why are we torturing ourselves?" and then he opened our book and for the foundation they listed Love, Vows and Commitment. He says "Well, we know we love each other, but I don't know about the Vows and Commitment. Because if I don't honor the vows and I don't know if I can commit, then we don't really have a foundation."
Of course, vows and commitment are decisions; but as he said "sometimes he feels like just saying to hell with it, and just finding someone new. But other times he thinks he should try to work it out with me."
Our communication skills SUCK. I think it's because ultimately, I don't actually feel safe, so anyone negative emotions on his part scare the crap out of me. And really, they should. He is telling me he isn't committed. He keeps telling me that he "doesn't know how this will turn out". I know I "should" be able to hear his feelings since they aren't 'right or wrong'; BUT, he is telling me that he doesn't have much desire to work on things, that it should be easier, etc etc etc. In other words, he is highly driven by his feelings.
How do I let him have HIS negative feelings and not let it drag me into the dark abyss?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
really good question. My husband and I really did have a house hit by a hurricane and largely destroyed. Having the example of what we did in the case of the real destruction made the analogy much stronger for us. And we both said the same thing, "First you have to tear out and haul away the debris." It's a point that they overlook in the analogy. But I think you are having that problem. You can't rebuild because there is debris of the old relationship all around. Give your team people a call. Tell them what is going on. Get their advice before continuing. this isn't easy. Don't expect it to be.
just wanted for you to know that I am thinking of you and praying that you are finding your many blessings.
If you are the one in the R who has to provide all the optimism and positivity then I pray that you will find the courage and strength to do just that for now until your H is "infected" by that optimism, strength and positivity.
Hi Ted- thanks for stopping in- and all prayers are VERY welcome!!
H was sick with the flu over the weekend so we didn't go to the second post session. To say I was bummed would be an understatement. They offered to teleconference us in, but he didn't feel like it. So, I guess they recorded it for us and are mailing it. So, I didn't see him all weekend and just had brief text exchanges.
Last night he came over and he did ask if I knew where the recording was.(ie had they mailed it? what about doing an FTP?) And we sort of read thru the parts that we missed..more like skimmed. He asked me to call our Lifeline couple and find out what we should do, since we are now behind.
He was so obviously happy to see me. So, I was being my usual self and he goes "Why are you SO good to me? I've been a real jerk. I don't understand you." I told him it was because I loved him. Again he said that he's been thinking about what a jerk he's been; that in some ways he's happy that I've been sticking it out and other ways he's mad at me. The underlying theme was "this is complicated now. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do with you." I asked why it was complicated 'now' and he said because if he just would have cut things off two years ago, we'd be moved on; now we're more attached.
The look on his face, love in his eyes is the reason I keep trying. Too bad he always pulls back.
So, again, he says that we're doing retro to try to figure this out. OH! He did say that there is a part of him that "doesn't want to 'give in'/concede." He said it sort of joking, but when I asked if he was serious he said that there was definitely a part of him that felt that way.
I hope that there is something in retro that deals with that sort of thing.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Tonight H came over so that we could do dialogue and long story short, he just doesn't feel like committing and "so far Retro hasn't made any difference", so maybe we should just pull the plug.
He refuses to do anything more than the bare minimum and even that is a struggle.
Tonight was SO frustrating; he felt 'rebellious' and didn't want to be 'confined' (in general/based on his personality type). If he could find something to be negative about or pick at, he did.
I feel sad, disappointed, and angry. I cried just a little bit after he left. But now that I am sitting here, I'm just tired, worn out and know that I deserve better. He can't/won't give me more.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Let it go. Let him go. Get your life going in a new direction. It's time to not be chained to this anchor. If you really cared a lot, you would have cried a lot. At least that's what I think when I only have a short cry.
Yeah; I think that it's not that I don't care, per se, just that I am sick and tired of crying tears over this man. I am tired of him saying he 'does love me, ya know" and then not actually demonstrating it. I am tired of EVERYTHING being my fault.
I'm tired of him acting like some spoiled child and not doing what he says he will do. Last night he was just itching for a fight; arms crossed, defiant look; when my phone rang "Oh, I just HATE that ring"; when I said I was a strong 'thinker' as my secondary personality (behind 'helper') "yeah, you CAN be sarcastic and blunt-I really don't like that- I just hate people that don't like to look stupid." (WTF?!)
Last night I didn't cave, though. Maybe it's because I had a closing, and got one deal under contract and another almost under contract (it will get signed today) AND I lost 9.6 lbs in one week on a diet I'm doing. After he says we should probably just eff it and pull the plug, the jazz music that is playing in the background has a song come one where the woman singing is saying 'you had your chance; I'm gonna find a man who will give me his all'. It was particularly odd timing since this station plays 95% instrumental jazz.
I feel like I must have had "Duncan" tatooed on my forehead because I have been treated like a yo-yo.
I will be okay. I will take this next little bit of time (while I continue on my diet) to regroup and then "watch out world" cuz here I come.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
My husband has actually taken time off to attend the Retrouvaille session next weekend in Owensboro, KY. I know we had pre-registered to attend the Chicago session, but he was unable to get off work. My husband and I have been separated since May of this year. I've been wanting to piece things back together and make our family whole again. My husband starting seeing someone at his work, and he tells me things like he doesn't love me anymore, and this divorce is going through regardless and that he'll never be able to love me again since I was the one that walked away from the pain first, he had off and on EA's, and would lie, and constantly hide things from me, and I started to hide spending (retail therapy in attempts to make me feel better), and leaving him in even more financial turmoil than we were to begin with. He said that my leaving is what changed everything for him, and he no longer wanted to try to rebuild anything with me, but he would go to the weekend to attempt to make our divorce more amicable. We have a 6 yr old son, who's wonderful, and he's the main reason I wanted to try again. H is a Christian, and I was raised Catholic, but I don't practice and have just been searching for faith on my own. So, I guess my question (or advice seeking) concerns what he said to me yesterday. He said he was just going to improve the communication between us, and told me not to have any expectations of us getting back together because it will just never happen, and if that's what I was hoping for he wouldn't attend the weekend at all because it was too late for us. Should I just give up and not have us attend at all...would it be a waste of time for us if he's already telling me he doesn't love me anymore? Especially since we're not doing well financially anyway, I really don't have the registration money, and since we've moved apart. He knows what the purpose of the program is, and I've explained what happens, and what I've learned. So I guess I'm confused if we should even take the time for the drive (4 hours) to try and attend when I want to reconcile, and he doesn't. I've been approaching him about reconciling since a month after I moved out and couldn't take the pain any longer, but that was before I knew programs like this even existed. Does anyone have any suggestions?
