He doesn't seem to care. He says your ex is just as bad. I agreed but said this is someone who deliberately interfered with a marriage with every intention of destroying it. If this was someone new, I could see that but I am just not there yet when it comes to "her".
Is anyone there yet?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
He doesn't seem to care. He says your ex is just as bad. I agreed but said this is someone who deliberately interfered with a marriage with every intention of destroying it. If this was someone new, I could see that but I am just not there yet when it comes to "her".
I don't get it. I don't get why you continue to view your XH's as victims here. Your XH had a FAR GREATER obligation to YOU not to have sex outside of your M than the woman he had sex with. Your XHs were not strapped to a bed with IV viagra and penis pumps used to force them to have sex. THEY FREELY CHOSE to have an A. THEY are the ones who violated your M agreement, not the women. As far as participating in an A, both your XHs and their partners are EQUALLY culpable, but as far as violating particular obligations TO YOU, this is on the XH. What part of this do you not get????? And, at least in Donna's case, her XH is as guilty of having sex with a married person as his girlfriend. BOTH were cheating on their Ms. BOTH were horning in on someone else's M. Sheesh.
Look, consider another case of betrayal with somewhat parallel obligations. Suppose a mother takes a trip and leaves her H to care for the children. Suppose that while she is away, H has an acquaintance over and together they molested the children. No doubt, a horrible, tragic thing. No doubt, they are both guilty and to blame for despicable actions. But, whose betrayal is worse? CLEARLY, it is the betrayal of the father. He had an additional special obligation to protect his children. Does it matter whether he initiated the invitation to the other molester or whether the other molester called him? I think not. What matters is that the father chose to allow and participate in the molestation. He is AS much to blame for the violations of trust, the harm, the betrayals as the other molester. And he is MORE to blame. I don't see how you can argue that point.
Now, imagine the mother comes home and contrary to this, insists that the father's actions are more forgivable than the other molester's. How wrongheaded would this be? How horrible would this be for the children? Wouldn't this be even an additional harm to the children, to suggest that being molested by their father was less harmful than being molested by a stranger? To deny that it was the father's special duty to protect them is just another horrible blow.
Can you not see that you are in a similar position as those children? You keep putting the greater blame on the person who had no special obligation to protect your M. This is a terrible way to treat yourself. You deny that your XH had a special obligation to you. You deny that his harm to your M was the deeper betrayal. You excuse and quibble over who started the initial flirtation. Ridiculous. And harmful. And deeply disrespectful to yourself.
Affairs happen. A lot. They are horrible betrayals. But they are not the molestation of children. They are forgivable. And if X-spouse's participation in an A is forgivable, then so is the participation of the other person in the A.
Treat yourself better and quit shifting the burden of blame to someone who was far less a cause of the BETRAYAL in your M than your ex-spouse.
I am in a similar situation. My X is getting married next month to her affair partner. He takes care of our kids sometimes and they love him. I could continue to hold anger towards him and my X for breaking up my family, but why should I? Instead, I suck it up and make the best of the situation by being courteous and friendly with him.
I have to agree with your boss. Dropping the hatred of the other woman is the best gift you can give yourself.
You need to come to acceptance that she is going to be a part of your kids lives otherwise this is going to keep eating at you.
And if you get to the point of dating, I can tell you that if you bring these things up in conversation on a date, it is a big turn off. One lady I date expresses nasty feelings towards her X's post D girlfriend (their marriage did not end because of infidelity). I think it is because her daughter actually enjoys doing things with her X and his girlfriend. Her attitude may be one of the reasons I am not pursuing her other than as a friend.
It's not even a matter of hating the ow more than xh, it's a matter of someone with such low morals as to be involved in the destruction of a M having any time alone with my child. I don't have a choice about his father having time with him, but I don't like that either. He has shown himself to be morally bankrupt. However, he has a blood tie to him and should be with him. She does not. She is not the sort of person I could ever consider as a friend or evenan aquaintance.
Oh yes, I blame my xh fully for the A. The ow wasn't M'd but he was and should have respected me and our M enough to at least keep it in his pants and man-up and tell me he wanted a D. It would have been infinitely more honorable. But he chose to take the cowards way out. Oh yes, I blame him for that but I can't dwell on it. Why? For the sake of my child and his R with his father.
I'm pretty sure this would be kat's take on it too. Not demonizing ow, but not wanted her to spend time with my child......mama bear instinct.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
