It's been some time since I have posted here, almost 2 months now. We (maybe I should say, I am) are struggling again. We made so much progress for so long. Now I feel like we are going backwards. Just simple touching (hugs and kisses) annoys her again and I don't know why.
Our ST has encouraged me to back off and to give her space, but dang it, I don't want to. I want our physical R to be something that feeds us and enriches our lives. I feel like I am starving again though. The R drains me instead of enlivens me and I know that is backwards.
My job is draining me too. It's the worst job I have had in over 25 years and it's killing me. It's not physically demanding, it's mind numbing. I am so bored, each day just drags on. I am still actively looking for something else but I can't leave this crap job until I have found a real job again. We need the money. I'm trying to make the best of the sitch but it is really hard to do.
I did interview for a demanding position that would challenge me once more. I don't know if I have the job or not yet.
It seems that no matter how much I try to give myself to the world and give myself to my W, they don't want me. I have really felt this for much of my life. Even our troubles all those years ago started this way. As my W began to reject me at home, I was also struggling to get ahead at work, move up in the company.
I eventually gave up and withdrew inside of myself, lived in fantasy instead of in the real world. Instead of working hard to realize my dreams, I wasted my time just dreaming. What I thought was the world and my W rejecting me was really my rejection of the world and her. I could never see my part of the problem until now. I'm trying to change that with all my might, but I feel weak.
It's not all gloom. We are still working together. We had a wonderful evening where we ML just a few nights ago. It's just too far and few between. I need more and I don't want to slip back to our old ways ever. Each time I think we have finally got it right it never lasts. It shouldn't be this hard.
