Ok, so H instigated our first R talk for six months a couple of days ago. Six months ago, he was 100% sure he wanted to leave, and we were selling assets so he could move out by xmas or sooner. Assets not yet sold (H has not been chasing hard), but H is getting spooked his deadline of xmas is approaching and this is not resolved. He wanted to spend a lot of time talking about custoty arrangements, especially what days we each had the kids (eg one straight lot or smaller days) if we were to split (he would buy a house on the same street so we could live very close he thinks!). I kept saying it would depend completely on how things happened at the time, couldn't say now, but it was very important to him.
He did say his status is now "Unsure", especially due to the amazing changes in me. I am so happy, positive and highly motivated and H said it is motivating him to be a better person too. He wants to now have frequent R talks and felt much better after.
But he has been acting stranger in the last few weeks. We have continued to open communication on deeper topics, and more often, but he has some sort of secret that he is covering up very very badly. It involves texts he is not happy to get. I suspect either he may owe some money or obviously could be OW. He has not lied this much before at all, but he is just starting to talk to be about his deep fears etc too.
My question is, how much should I investigate what he is doing?
I wouldn't investigate at all at this point. He's "unsure", so it's not like he's saying "I'm in this, let's figure it out". To me, there is a huge difference and you'd be setting yourself up for more hurt. I've also seen folks investigate before spouse really knows what they want and they use it as a tool for themselves to be "done". "See, he/she is still lying, cheating etc".
What's your real motivation? What would knowing mean to you?
Its his reaction to them rather than the texts themselves. They seem to have lead to further absences and leaving the room for calls that had pretty much stopped. This in turn has taken his focus of us again I think. I guess that they are unwelcome is good. I guess I can see if it blows over.
I feel like I am sitting on a shelve like a spare part right now and its not a nice feeling. I am not sure if I am just wasting my time and should move on (yep one of those days)
I feel like I am sitting on a shelve like a spare part right now and its not a nice feeling.
That's why it's so important to take care of yourself and do things for you. I know it's a horrible feeling. What you do is who you are. Who are you? What are you worth? IMO alot. Treat yourself that way. Remeber what an amazing woman you are and act accordingly.
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I am not sure if I am just wasting my time and should move on.
Only you know the answer to this one. IMO, this isn't wasted time. Knowing that when everything is said and done, NO MATTER what the outcome, that you really looked under every rock and (perhaps re-) discovered things about yourself that'll make the life you lead one worth the stories that will be told by those that love and admire you. That's why this isn't wasted.
I have just got back from taking toddlers to the pool, looking at their faces reminds me of why I need to push through to the other side of this, where ever that may be. Its the big gear changes that keep catching me, in almost literally a blink major changes at the moment.
I am working on child care arrangements and contacts for my job hunt, I expect it to take a while to find a family friendly position in my area, thats ok and why I am starting now.
I had a house full of friends drop over yesterday evening and stay the night, and still accepting all social engagements so getting out and about heaps.
ok, feeling much better, ready to go foward again with focus on me. Hope rest of your day goes well.
So I really was already to put the txts aside and move on and I spoke to H tonite and it just poped into my head:
"So what was with that txt you got on saturday night H, whats going on"? His reply "We have been separated since March thats whats going on, and as soon as I come home next week we will split everything up and be done with it once and for all - anything else? Me " Take a long hard look in the mirror once you get off the phone, then look into your eyes and really see your soul cos you are going to have to look at that for the rest of your life"
H text me an hour later to say he is coming home tomorrow from work.
Ok, one of the few people I have been speaking to about my sitch just took it upon themselves to call up H and say "what are you doing about SR? You have been dragging her along for too long and its about time you sorted this out once and for all" H said "We have been separated since March but I know I have to sort things out now"
I now think there is a very high chnace H will be coming home in a few hours, saying he is sure its all over and leaving for good this time.
I would really appreciate it someone who has been where I am right now could advise me on how best to minimise the damage that keeps mounting here. My basic plan is to shut up and listen, and validate. I have an appointment with a lawyer next monday to go through my rights.
Thanks so much to anyone who can help me out here.
