Hope and heartache

[C-Bart]

Watched "Definitely, maybe" last night as well. I know the scene you are talking about hit close to home for me as well.

BTY the only way to change a though is replace it with a different one. You already know that though.

Have a great day!

[ClingingToHope]

I noticed I'm up to page 23. I wonder where I'll be -- emotionally and relationship wise -- when I get up to something like page 100.

Feeling good today. Lots of work to do, but it's keeping me busy.

[ClingingToHope]

OK. Get the 2-by-4s ready. Asking for advice.

W called and it was about scheduling stuff for the kids, but really it was to vent about work. I'm still her go-to person for that.

She's a supervisor for an insurance company. She oversees customer service reps. Apparently a bunch of them have been falsifying customer surveys -- which is a part of their raises.

One of them, when confronted, did what a lot of us might do. "Well, (my boss) was aware I was doing it this way."

So W spent an hour being interrogated by corporate people and was left for 20 minutes alone when it was over while they decided what to do.

So she's freaked. Again, her job is of paramount importance to her. If she lost that job she'd break into a million pieces. I listened, validated her feelings, reassured her that she'd be OK. DB coach Dottie would be proud.

OK. Here's where I'm asking for advice. In the past, to make her feel good after an especially tough day -- especially after being passed over for promotions -- I'd go get flowers and drop them off with a card at work so others could see them. She always appreciated them in the past. It was one of the few thank you calls I'd ever get.

Do I do that this time or by not buying them she may realize that she doesn't have me at home to make her feel better when she has a bad day?

I'm looking for input from the ladies out there.

[awest1217]

I will tell you that I am torn. I think the act of sending her a bouquet of flowers would be a nice gesture (as long as they were not too expensive) because it would show her that you still really care, but at the same time, she is the one wanting the divorce...

I think you should not send her the flowers, but the first time you have any contact with her you should make sure to ask what happened and how she is doing. This will show that you care and were listening to her, but at the same time it is not putting yourself out there too much. It will give her a chance to miss you and what positives you bring to her life. Definitely see what other people say though because like I said I am really torn, but to go along with DR you shouldn't pursue and sending the flowers although thoughtful is pursuing.

Good job listening and validating her feelings!

[chatterbug]

No flowers. Do not bring it up. If she brings it up. Validate her conversation. Be good practice on listening.

[mishka422]

No flowers. Validation, yes.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. I'm leaning towards no flowers. We'll see how tomorrow goes for her. It's my night to have the girls. She has to stay late for work anyway. It'll be interesting if she calls.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, I would definitely have to agree with the others. No flowers. You need to do something different at this point. She wins because she gets to feel better for that second, but has it progressed your R any? She has to see that if she wants to continue w/ this D, you're not going to be there anymore "to hold her hand" so to speak, when she has a bad day. It's her choice and it's her loss.

[awest1217]

Clinging -

Reread the section on LRT. Make sure you are sticking to a strategy and not slipping into revenge because she is hurting you. Believe me right now I know it looks grim and I completely agree with protecting yourself, looking up L stuff, and all of that, but remember why you read the book and came on the website in the first place. You want to save your marriage. You are doing so well, but by focusing so much attention on W and how she is hurting you and not giving you a chance, you are giving her the power to control you, your emotions, which then controls your relationship with your daughters.

Reread the LRT because although it may not work, right now you are slipping back into a rut, and you need to pick yourself back up and start again. You can do this, but you have to stop focusing on W and divorce, and instead focus on you and your daughters.

[awest1217]

Oh to clarify, I agree with no flowers, but don't do it because "she needs to know what it is like to be without you", but because you are doing a strategy and in order for it to work you need to see it through.