For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

bluerain,
I also hate it when H calls it babysitting. It's so hard for me to stay quiet and not say something like, "Hey idiot, this is not about babysitting. This is about you parenting your child!" Ugh! I worked today and I sent him an email with all of the my crazy hours. The only he said back was, "Are you shittin me, 4am on a Saturday." So, I guess I'll see if he says anything else.

He's here right now. He got on our computer when he got here and I walked into the room and saw him looking at the pictures I downloaded from Halloween! Ohhhhhh.....I wanted to make a comment really, really bad, but I didn't. I sure hope he looked at those pics and it made him feel like poo for blowing it off.
And one of my friends/neighbors took a picture of DD and I when we went to her house. Wonder what he thought of that picture since I don't think he really recognized where we were and in it I have a huge smile and look super happy.

bluerain, I'm so sorry for everything you went through. But, I am inspired by how positive you are. You seem really strong, independent, wise, determined, hopeful, kind, confident and happy! All wonderful qualities - and I'm sure you will attract someone with those same characteristics.

I'm not happy with what I'm going through, but I am happy for 2 things that have helped me in this situation: 1. I have grown close to God. 2. I have learned so much about relationships and marriage. I hope that someday I will get to show my H everything that I learned. I made plenty of mistakes, but what I've learned has made stronger and wiser.

And yes, I've dealt with the "loss" or breakdown of our marriage for 15 months now. In the beginning, I was a sad, devastated mess. I'm not happy with where we are, but boy, I sure have grown. It's obvious from what I post on here that I still struggle, but I've faced intense sadness, pain and regret and someday my H will have to do the same. I think it's going to hit him like a brick in the face.

Thanks for your encouragment. : )

[courts0818]

Well I left tonight and went to the library to study. Put on earrings and perfume before I left, don't even think he noticed. Oh well.

This is out of control...Every once in awhile I will have a drink at home (maybe a couple of times per month - if that). And I usually drink something light like a Mike's Lemonade or a Raspberry Smirnoff (the flavored beer or whatever it is).

My H drinks beer, too much of it. In fact, when he comes over, he brings beer with him bc I never have beer here. Tonight he looks and sees he has no beer. So, he drinks one of my Smirnoffs - okay, not that big of a deal, but why does he need to actually have something? He should be here focusing on our DD, playing with her, talking to her, being involoved with her. He can't go one night without it?

He would say he wants a beer to relax - long day at work or whatever. I know he has a very stressful job, but...um...I don't care. FOCUS ON DD!

And when I left for the library, he texted me asking me to pickup a six pack. Um...I don't think so! Get over it dude. IDK what to do about this issue - it has been a SORE issue in the past. In fact, when we were only newlyweds we went to MC bc of his drinking (he would disagree and say it was other issues - but IMO the majority of the issues were a result of his drinking). He would drink too much and then he would say the meanest things to me. And he would get so angry that I didn't want to ML with him - um...your drunk, mean and gross - don't think so. Sorry, but a sloppy drunk doesn't turn me on. ICK!

In fact, we ended up in counseling bc of this - I was a bridesmaid and at the reception we were all drinking and dancing, well my H and some friends wanted to leave the reception and go to a bar, I wouldn't leave bc I was part of the wedding party and I wanted to stay for my friend, help clean up and that sort of thing. Because I wouldn't leave my H said soemthing like this (in front of my friends), "Well don't come home tonight then." And I think some other mean things. He had driven to the reception and had parked my car in the hotel parking garage - he left and I had no idea where my car was. He was drunk, rude, mean, disrespectful and I was done! I didn't come home and he called all around trying to find me and I would not answer my phone. I ended up leaving him a voicemail telling him he needed to have a MC appt. set up for us within a week or I was DONE! To make a long story short - we went a few times, didn't like our counselor, not much got resoloved - but he did signficantly reduce his drinking. He wasn't drinking to the point where he couldn't remember what he did or said. He was no longer getting drunk and being a complete a$$ to me. So things actually got better.

So now...it's not that he drinks a ton, but he drinks several times per week (maybe 3-5 beers a night) - it could be 7 days a week for all I know. It's another thing about him that makes me sick. And I have voiced my concern about this over and over and over again. I don't want him drinking in front of our DD - and that's not just me being a beer nazi. My dad had a drinking issue when I was growing up and I do not want my DD to go through it. And he's only here a few times per week - why would he need to bring beer when he's coming to see her?

Sigh, sigh, sigh...WTH is wrong with him? At this moment, I don't think he's good enough for us. He's not in love with me, he's in love with beer, poker, betting on sports and himself. YUCK!

[courts0818]

Oh and I keep a log of when he comes over, the time he's here and how much beer he drinks - think I might need add how much online poker and looking at scores he does too.

[ClingingToHope]

Did he drink like this when you were dating? You said your dad had a drinking problem. Have you ever thought about that? It sounds like you married your dad.

[bluerain]

Thanks Courtney, it can be tough, but I credit DBing with being in the place I am now. For me it turned into a big lesson in coping.

Can he take DD friday night? Or sleep over? On the couch! Seems like it would solve a few problems. Have you told him recently that you think that he is drinking too much? Or that you dont want him drinking around her? I also think that you documenting these things is pretty smart.

If you ever really wanted to be mean, you could always call him in as a drunk driver!

[chatterbug]

Well I left tonight and went to the library to study. Put on earrings and perfume before I left, don't even think he noticed. Oh well.
DO NOT MIND READ.

This is out of control...Every once in awhile I will have a drink at home (maybe a couple of times per month - if that). And I usually drink something light like a Mike's Lemonade or a Raspberry Smirnoff (the flavored beer or whatever it is).

My H drinks beer, too much of it. In fact, when he comes over, he brings beer with him bc I never have beer here. Tonight he looks and sees he has no beer. So, he drinks one of my Smirnoffs - okay, not that big of a deal, but why does he need to actually have something? He should be here focusing on our DD, playing with her, talking to her, being involoved with her. He can't go one night without it?

He would say he wants a beer to relax - long day at work or whatever. I know he has a very stressful job, but...um...I don't care. FOCUS ON DD!
Think of it this way. You are keeping a good grip on things because you are strong. You need yourself to get through this. Be proud that you did not fall apart in a manor that made you start to drink. I would monitor how much he drinks and if it becomes an issue around DD then I would act.
And when I left for the library, he texted me asking me to pickup a six pack. Um...I don't think so! Get over it dude. IDK what to do about this issue - it has been a SORE issue in the past. In fact, when we were only newlyweds we went to MC bc of his drinking (he would disagree and say it was other issues - but IMO the majority of the issues were a result of his drinking). He would drink too much and then he would say the meanest things to me. And he would get so angry that I didn't want to ML with him - um...your drunk, mean and gross - don't think so. Sorry, but a sloppy drunk doesn't turn me on. ICK!

In fact, we ended up in counseling bc of this - I was a bridesmaid and at the reception we were all drinking and dancing, well my H and some friends wanted to leave the reception and go to a bar, I wouldn't leave bc I was part of the wedding party and I wanted to stay for my friend, help clean up and that sort of thing. Because I wouldn't leave my H said soemthing like this (in front of my friends), "Well don't come home tonight then." And I think some other mean things. He had driven to the reception and had parked my car in the hotel parking garage - he left and I had no idea where my car was. He was drunk, rude, mean, disrespectful and I was done! I didn't come home and he called all around trying to find me and I would not answer my phone. I ended up leaving him a voicemail telling him he needed to have a MC appt. set up for us within a week or I was DONE! To make a long story short - we went a few times, didn't like our counselor, not much got resoloved - but he did signficantly reduce his drinking. He wasn't drinking to the point where he couldn't remember what he did or said. He was no longer getting drunk and being a complete a$$ to me. So things actually got better.

So now...it's not that he drinks a ton, but he drinks several times per week (maybe 3-5 beers a night) - it could be 7 days a week for all I know. It's another thing about him that makes me sick. And I have voiced my concern about this over and over and over again. I don't want him drinking in front of our DD - and that's not just me being a beer nazi. My dad had a drinking issue when I was growing up and I do not want my DD to go through it. And he's only here a few times per week - why would he need to bring beer when he's coming to see her?

Sigh, sigh, sigh...WTH is wrong with him? At this moment, I don't think he's good enough for us. He's not in love with me, he's in love with beer, poker, betting on sports and himself. YUCK!

Do you have plans in place just incase your's or your DD's safety is at risk? This does not look like a healthy enviroment for the both of you.

[courts0818]

When H and I were dating, we did a lot of partying and drinking. I wouldn't say that we were out of control. We were young (early 20s) and just did a lot of hanging out at football tailgates and bars. We were still responsible enough to have jobs and support oursevles - we just liked to go out.

I wouldn't say I married my dad. Yes, they do have the drinking thing in common, but not much of anything else. My H is an extremely hard worker, NEVER misses work (the entire time we've been together he has missed one half day of work due to being sick), he's a great provider for our family (and still is bc I only work part-time), he's NEVER been physcially abuse, controlling or anything like that - but like I posted above, he used to say really mean and hurtful things to me after he had been drinking a lot. He's smart, a great leader and problem solver (at work), he's flexible and just goes with the flow (or at least he used to).

I know those wonderful qualities still exist - somewhere inside of him.

If I felt like my DD and I were in danger, yes we have places to go! My parent's, his parent's, my sister's, my grandpa's. It's been more than a few years since my H got really drunk and said hurtful things to me - probably 6 years ago. If he was still drinking so heavily, it would be an unsafe enviorment and I would leave.

My issue is that he's drinking on a daily basis (or at least I think he is, bc he drinks when he's here). He's been drinking since he was 21 so 3-5 beers a night does not make him drunk, but I still see it as a dependence and I don't like it. Like I said, I have a drink every now and then, but I absolutely do not have one everyday. It just bothers me.

No, I have not said anything about his drinking recently, because it was such an issue in the past - we never really fought very much, but that is one thing that we did fight about SEVERAL times. When I try to talk to him about it, he sees it as me bitching at him - as he would say it's just me "having too many rules." I tried to stop bringing it up, bc it leads to an argument every time. I'm trying to show him that I no longer am going to bitch, nag and moan about everything he does. However, this is such an important issue to me and it is not the behavior that I want modeled for our DD, I can't just let it go. Do I just ask him to not drink when he's here? I know it will make him feel like I'm too anal, having too many rules and I'm too controlling, but it bothers me.

Am I turning this into a bigger deal than it really is? IDK...Is a few beers a night okay, not okay?

He's not the only one with confusion - his behavior baffles me and sometimes i just don't know what to do or what to say or how to react.

[Gardener]

Courts,

3-5 beers a night does not make him drunk, but I still see it as a dependence and I don't like it.

He may not be drunk, but you can be assured he is buzzed (i.e., self-medicating) and impaired even if only slightly - and slightly is too much in your daughter's presence

IDK...Is a few beers a night okay, not okay?

Lemme see...that would be a few beers (3 - 5) a night- every night of his life? I would say that's not okay. I was there, Never drunk. Just buzzed. Every night. Not good.

Do I just ask him to not drink when he's here?

Set a boundary: No drinking in your house, when with DD, no even coming in smelling like it. You could even forego your light "drinks" a couple of times a month until you go out somewhere and tell him it is now an alcohol-free house. Period. Your call.
Keep going.

[LuLu]

Hey Court,
Would love to chat with you on the other side. I've had to take a break from the boards, I was becoming way to OCD about them.

Find me,
Until then I will be DBingLuLu and looking for mail at g I wish I had mail oh com

[bluerain]

You know Courtney, if its a big deal to you then, it is what it is. I dont think that its healthy for a man in his 30's to be drinking every night, and even if its just a few, its a habit. Maybe not an addiction, but I would challenge him to argue that it wasnt a habit- not you literally challenging him of course.

And if he is coming into your home, then you shouldnt be uncomfortable asking him to not drink, or drink less. Maybe if he asks you to pick up a 6 pack and you dont want to say no, just get him a single beer.

Maybe that could be one of your boundaries!