Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Spy ~

I am glad it isn't just me (which I know as well) but you are correct, I am looking for the "aha" moment if nothing else to just ease my mind...If I sat and wrote his issues down, it may be helpful...I do journal as well as blog so thank for you for the idea

Bobbi ~

I am sorry yours said basically the same thing to you...What a sting that was to hear...He acted like a child who wasn't getting his own way so he basically was having a temper tantrum and came out swinging when I said things he didn't like...I will memorize and then repeat what you said to me...I wrote it in a book I carry so I can look at it over and over again...I can see my reaction being yours tomorrow when I leave the office...All this because I have to much pride to "ask" him for money for his kids? I know it is the right thing to do and the state is taking to long...This seems on par for the course...I go days where all is "good" and then I will be damned if something doesn't happen to knock me flat on my a**.

[TrentC]

Some days are better then others though (((Hugs)))

OK, I just realized that response that I posted in this thread has gone AWOL.

A conversation with a friend of mine had an interesting perspective on God's plan vs. free will.

God has a plan for each and every one of us, and he wants up to be in happy, loving relationships with others. But we also have free will, which allows us to do things that may not line up with God's plan for us. Her take on it was that you can choose to work against against God's plan, but it never works out the way you hope it will, and never to God's detriment.

I thought of it like trying to argue with a hurricane. You are free to choose your own path through the storm, but the storm is not to blame for whatever happens to you.

[Serenity13]

Trent ~

I like that perspective however where do I find His plan for me? I am trying to go as I feel He wants me to go yet each door is being shut before I can go through it...

The million dollar question - Do I stand and fight (which is what I believe) or do I throw the towel in and give H what he wants which goes against my beliefs...

Am I just not facing reality (which is what I was told today by a friend of mine)? She says he moved on so now I need to as well...

He blantly chose the OW not me so I needed to basically suck it up/let go/give him the divorce/pick up the pieces...I didn't have an answer to that

[TrentC]

I like that perspective however where do I find His plan for me? I am trying to go as I feel He wants me to go yet each door is being shut before I can go through it...

Well, the obvious path would be the one that is stated in the Bible:

'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'[b]? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

However, divorce is permissible in the case of unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:8), so you could leave him without feeling like you are committing a sin.

The million dollar question - Do I stand and fight (which is what I believe) or do I throw the towel in and give H what he wants which goes against my beliefs...

I plan on fighting my D every step of the way. So if we do split up, I can look at myself and say that I did my best to preserve this relationship.

He blantly chose the OW not me so I needed to basically suck it up/let go/give him the divorce/pick up the pieces...I didn't have an answer to that

All I can say is that we will be in your corner, whatever you choose to do.

[kara]

Interesting question, Serenity and I understand how you feel. I am accountable to God at the end of the day.Not to my friends or even my H. I follow His guidance as it comes to me. Sad to say, sometimes I DON'T feel like doing what I am being led to do but I always come around in the end. You sometimes have to go through fire and face tribulations but troubles don't last always. Doors that are shut now can be opened. It is all dependent on His time and His way.

I was ill in the hospital once and every day I kept praying "God, when will the doctor discharge me? When will this problem go away?" Day after day for two weeks it was the same. Little real improvement in my condition. One morning I awoke and bam! Problem gone. The doctor wasn't sure why it happened that way. I went through test after test. All negative and some very, very painful. (H was always there,God bless him, and that is part of the reason I am still hanging in here).

My rambling is to say that we go through tests and trials. We never see the end or know how close we are to it. But God is always working. Deliverance will come. It may not be the way we expect or when we want. But it will come. Rest easy. Reality is NOT finality. However it works out, Serenity is blessed.

[Deep]

Hi Serenity, this reminds me of a homily I heard over the All souls/ All Saints weekend ...

As my pastor put it, God gave us all the potential to be "saints". Good men and women make choices in life, these choices form habits, become ingrained as a way of life, and eventually become life itself. Surrender of self in this sense is a very difficult and personal issue obviously, and each person will need to find the right mix as we also juggle with our own individuality and sense of purpose.

We never forget there is a deeper and higher meaning, yet also know that the meaning we have in our self is special and aspire to fulfill the latter in accordance with the former.

Your H and others are a test of your beliefs. Why would you want to test yourself too? I think you'll make mostly the right choices along the way, and if and when you don't, it doesn't mean it's the end of the path?

[Serenity13]

(((Friends)))

First I will say thanks to Trent, Kara & Deep for coming in last night with their encouragement, kind words and thoughts...

Today was a long day (long post as well)...

I will start with my S and the appt. we had with the DA...

Not as bad as it could be however still not the greatest...

He has 3 charges - 2 of which are 2nd degree felonies...

He could potentially be on probation for 5 years however since this is his first bout of trouble ever we are hoping for leniency...

He (or we) will have to pay restitution (won't know how much till we go to court later on this month), on probation we will also have to pay 1 dollar a day for everyday he is on along with court costs...

Yes it makes me angry however I am proud he "owned his s**t" and offered to work off the damage...

In a week and a half, he has done almost a 180 so I am hoping he learned his lesson and this is the end of his foray into delinquency...

I went to see a lawyer today to find out where I stand...

Before I walked in the office I said a prayer that God would be by my side while I was in there...

Since I don't want a divorce, the best I can do is child support (filing is done already)...

He told me my options if I do decide to file or if my H files...

Not the best but not as bad as I imagined...

I would lose my health/base privileges...

In order to retain them, we have to stay married for 2 more years...

I would still be entitled to 1/2 his retirement...

The boys would be covered until they turned 18...

I cried like day one sitting in that office and when all was said and done the lawyer asked me if I was religious in any way, said yes, he said he would say a prayer then referred me to the Chaplain (how is that for an answered prayer?)...

I headed over to the Church...

Talk about deja vu...

It was the same Church we were married in 20 years ago...

I was distraught sitting there...

Basically at the end of my very threadbare rope...

I had so many conflicting emotions running through my mind and then the Chaplain came and we talked for about 1 1/2 hours...

She took some notes then wrote down different things for me to move forward while not abandoning my beliefs...

She then showed it to me and it was like a light came on dimly at first...

The list had ways to help the boys & to help me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically (why didn't I think of making a list???)...

We talked about my beliefs and where I was with that and I told her honestly that I feel stuck...

I feel like I have been backed into a corner and I can't fight my way out of it no matter how hard I try because I don't want a divorce...

She said why do I feel stuck, I said because I don't know how to move forward without giving in to him...

So we removed him from the equation altogether...

Basically DBing with more focus on my walk with Him and no focus on what my H is doing...

I will continue to stand for my marriage however I now have tools to allow me to focus on my kids and myself, I have additional tools (besides DB) to calm my mind, I have a new smaller support system in place (IRL not here), I sat down with the little one tonight and told him in 6 year old language that I don't know when his Dad would be coming back...

I told him we all make choices and right now Daddy is making some not so good choices and the best thing we can do is pray for him...

He understands God/Devil so I said when we make "good" choices we are allowing God to be in our hearts and guide us...

When we make "bad" choices, we are letting in the Devil and he is then guiding us...

He says to me, "Daddy is letting the Devil in so I will pray God jumps in his heart and helps him make better choices"...

There was still a part of me that was unsure of my choice,(because I always second and third and forth guess any choice I make) and as I sat next to my little one as he was falling asleep, I was just talking to God...

Asking for nothing but basically just talking about the day and the doubt still nagging me...

Why can't I let the doubt go?

Why can't I just "be"?

I laid my head back on the pillow listening to some music, hoping for something from God to help ease the doubt...

The next song on the radio?

"Faith" by George Michael -

I sat up and just laughed, said to myself "You have got to be kidding me"...

Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...

Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...

Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.

And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what

[Deep]

Beautiful, Serenity ...! The more help and support you get in focusing on you, the better.

The kids though, I know it's hard but you have to try your best not to let negativity taint them any more than it's already going to do. Even if things go further south, they deserve to have the best relationship with each parent that is possible.

I'll never forget what I posted in my sitch, when my D9 told me "Papa, if you guys get divorced, I'm staying with you." and "Mummy ... mummy is selfish and only thinks about what she wants." Talk about conflict, the selfish part of me going "aha! there you go!", another part mourning for W as she really is a great mom actually, and most of all the shock and sadness for D to even have to hear it from her. W is still having to do repair work on her relationship with D, even today.

[Serenity13]

Deep ~

Thank you again for being here...

I had to tell my little one something because I have been lying to him since the day his Dad left (told him he was out of town on business)...

I know bad Mommy

His Dad tells him (each and every time he talks to him) he is coming soon yet I am left trying to explain "soon" to a crying 6 year old...

The Chaplain is the one who suggested this along with those lines...

I haven't spoken a harsh word about my H anywhere near my boys nor would I ever but I am also done lying for my H and his bad choices...

My 14 year old knows all since he is older and was there day in and day out of his Dad on the phone with the OW...

He figured it out on his own sad to say...

Before I uttered a word I prayed for the guidance to make it as simple and easy as possible for him to understand...

I don't want him to lay there every night wondering if "soon" is tomorrow and then being upset once again when "soon" doesn't come...

It sucks to even have this conversation with him however I hope I handled it with grace and dignity so he can continue to be a little boy with a great childhood for a while longer.

[TrentC]

(((Friends)))
First I will say thanks to Trent, Kara & Deep for coming in last night with their encouragement, kind words and thoughts...

Like I said -- you're one of the good humans. Happy to help.

Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...

Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...

Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.

And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what

Good for you. God looks out for his children.

"The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters."

--Job 42:12-13