Not sure what to do

[TrentC]

Some good news today. My wife asked me if I was open to seeing a counciller. I said I was. Now I just need to make sure it is a good councillor and I'm not sure how I can determine this. I know I need to make sure they are pro marriage, but how do I determine this ?

Ask them. You can also look here:

http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/

I can't wait for DR to arrive. Would it be advisable to read the book with my wife ?

No, it's best to read DR by yourself.

If you want to share a book, look at His Needs Her Needs or The Five Love Languages.

[Lost Rabbit]

Thats good news Stu!

DB is for you not to be shared with your W. 5LL is a great book to be read, if it doesnt stick the first time put it aside and try again, it definitely read a bit better for me the second time I tried!

Think you have got the right attitude about the house, keep ploughing on as it will give you something to focus on, has all the fittings been chosen by both of you, if not perhaps you could involve W in choosing some, or just keep things totally neutral so its not to personalised, if you get back together you can always change a few things later!

Hope your copy of DR arrives soon, that will give you a better insight into what goes on here!

[bluerain]

Stu, I would call the counselor and tell them privately what you are trying to do and see how they react and feel about it. Maybe you could schedule a private session with them, ask them how many of their clients manage to work out their problems. Also, I think that there is a thread on here about counselling, you might be able to find some good information on it.

I think that if we make our WAS's privvy to what we are doing, there is a big chance that it can be seen as manipulative.

[stu321]

Thanks.

My W has been picking the fittings. She has much better fashion sense than I do and she enjoys it. She has done a wonderful job with everything so far, and the house is looking great. She is better at visualising things than I am so it makes sense. She will pick a few different styles and asks for my opinion on those. So we do decide together.

She has punished our son for misbehavinng (punishment that she has told him will be until Saturday. She said that she would lift the punishment while he was with me if I wanted her to. I said no. It's punishment regardless of where he is. I think it sends a clear message to our son as well. I think we have to stand together on stuff like this.

I don't think I'll keep anything from her. She has trust issues with me, and I need to be completely honest with her. I'd rather tell her that I want to make sure we are seeing the right person.

Trent, thanks for the link, but they only list US companies. I'm in Sydney.

I think I'm just going to go to the first session with some questions prepared for him/her and gauge their responses. If I'm not confortable with their response, I will ask my w if we can see someone else.

We do have a family friend who is a priest, and he may be able to either speak with us (he also knows the family history. He performed the funeral service for my father in law and has spent alot of time with us over the last couple of years). If my wife is not comfortable speaking with him, I'm sure he can point us into the direction of some-one good.

[TrentC]

Trent, thanks for the link, but they only list US companies. I'm in Sydney.

My mistake, sorry.

I think I'm just going to go to the first session with some questions prepared for him/her and gauge their responses. If I'm not confortable with their response, I will ask my w if we can see someone else.

This should be acceptable; a number of MCs I talked to said that a rapport with the MC is important.

I'd just ask them a straightforward question: "In marriage counseling, do you encourage working to rebuild the relationship?"

We do have a family friend who is a priest, and he may be able to either speak with us (he also knows the family history. He performed the funeral service for my father in law and has spent alot of time with us over the last couple of years). If my wife is not comfortable speaking with him, I'm sure he can point us into the direction of some-one good.

I'm looking at someone that neither my wife nor I have talked to: that way we will both feel comfortable that there is no perceived bias towards one spouse or the other.

[stu321]

No need to be sorry. I appreciate all the help I am getting.

[Gardener]

Hey, Stu,
Ask them their marital status, too and if married:
First marriage? If not, how many, how long?
etc.
A good counsellor should have no problem answering personal questions.

Favorite marital programs, authors, websites? Why?

What percentage of their clients reconcile?

Keep going.

[stu321]

We're booked in for next Thursday (It was their first available date).

I've done some research on the company (http://www.relationships.com.au), and they are pretty much about building better relationships, not just marriage, but other relationships as well. This company was recommended to my wife by the counciller she is currently seeing about her own issues (father's death etc).

I plan on doing more research to see what I can find out about them.

[bluerain]

Stu, I wouldnt be surprised if your therapist doesnt want to answer the more personal questions about their M. Its a big debate within biomedical ethics if its ok to talk about your personal experiences with clients. So maybe you could ask that question in a different way, or ask questions that might give you an idea.

I do agree that the questions about favorite marital progams and authors is a good one. Ask them if they are familiar with Gary Chapman, or Michelle Wiener Davis, or Mort Fertel. Um, Les and Leslie Parrott are some pretty well written M counselors. I cant think of any other ones off the top of my head.

[stu321]

Thanks.
Having a bad day today. I hate these ups and downs. One minute I want it to work, the next I think "what's the point".

I keep thinking about christmas, and what it would be like not being there when my son wakes up and is excited that Santa came and watching him open his presents. Don't want to do the "she has him in the morning and I do in the afternoon" thing.

Not sure if I can wait till Thursday for the councelling session. I know it's only 5 days away, but the silence about our m is killing me. She said she would meet me there on Thursday.

The longer this goes on, the more inclined I am to just get on with my life as if I were single again. Can't handle not having a home and I mean a home, not just somwhere I am staying until she is ready. I feel lost. She told me that the showers in our house won't go in until early dec, so I won't be able to move into that until at least then. I feel like just giving her an ultimatum.

My son means the world to me and I love seeing and spending time with him, but it makes it so much harder to not think about things. Things that I will miss if she decides to end it.

Sorry, but I'm just using this post to try to let things out rather than speaking to w. I'll probably say something that I would regret.