Separated

[hbdad]

Hi, new to the forums and this is my first post on any forum even though I am a "Computer Guy". My wife filed for divorce last week and is currently "emotionally involved" with another man. Don't know all the abbreviations yet. We met with the friend of the court today to go over child custody. We agreed to nest one week off/ one week on with our 11 yr old son & 9 year old daughter. The catalyst of this whole event was a death of a student where my spouse teaches. After this she said you only live once and I am moving on. I had a one night stand 10 years ago and admitted to it the next day. My wife has had a couple of these "emotional affairs". We never went to counseling because of the cost. What a mistake! We both make good money. Anyways I have been reading the posts and have the DR book. I am proud of myself today because I totally did a 180 on her. I have been in a very, very good mood and have decided to take the high road. If she comes around great, if not I am not going to live in sorrow for another moment. Any advice would be great. I just wanted to share my story and get things off my chest.

[Gardener]

hbd,
Wecome/Sorry.
You're in the right place and from the looks of this

I have been in a very, very good mood and have decided to take the high road. If she comes around great, if not I am not going to live in sorrow for another moment. Any advice would be great. I just wanted to share my story and get things off my chest.

you're already progressing well. Keep reading here and DR. Post to vent, journal, rant, ask. More details would be helpful: how long together/married, when was the death of the student, iow, when did this all start, etc.
Will talk again, soon.
Keep going.

[brownidmom]

Hey, HB. Welcome and sorry you are here. First things first, it would be a good idea if you tell us you and your W's age, how long together, how long married, etc. Emotional affair is EA, physical affair is PA. Take a look at the abbreviations thread to help you out some more. I still don't know all the acronyms myself.

Strap yourself in and read through some of other members' posts. You will gain great insight with reading through their experiences and the response of others. Also, if you begin to post on others' threads, it will increase the likelihood that they will stop by to comment on your sitch.

Maybe GIMA will drop by and give you his advice for newcomers. VERY HELPFUL. Read it again and again to get you through when you need it. Coach, Puppy, Sandi, and Greek will also offer great advice if you get lucky enough for them to post on your thread.

How are the kids taking all this?

Hoping for you the best.

BIM

[hbdad]

Gardener,

Below are some of the details. The student died in September in a car wreck. We have had problems off and on for years, Pretty much textbook by thr DR. I waited too long to respond effectively. Unfortunately I thought this was our "system". I was totally caught off guard. Devastating to say the least. I am pretty much a family guy and my family is all I have really concentrated on and thought I was getting better over the years. I think I put too much emphasis on the kids and not our relationship. Thanks for the support.

Me: 42
Her:41
Son:11
Daughter:9
Married:1993
Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on."
Filed 10/21/09
Separate: 11-8-09

[Gardener]

I think I put too much emphasis on (X) and not our relationship. Thanks for the support.

The template for almost everyone here.
Keep going.

[hbdad]

brownidmom,

Thanks for the reply. We have not told the kids yet but we intend to on Saturday. This will be the hardest for me. My kids mean the world to me. I have to be strong because there have been lots of tears over the last month. I just hope I can keep my composure. I do not want my wife to see me in a down mood again. Today was excellent. She cannot figure out why my mood is changed from sorrow to happiness and upbeat. Part of it is acting and part of it is real. I have lost 30 lbs in month and was not overweight to begin with. After reading these forums and some advice from a friend, I decided I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I cannot control her actions but I can control mine. My atty would not let me leave the house to workout, but now that we have a temporary arrangement through the friend of the court I can get back to working out which I enjoy greatly! Thanks for your reply.

[brownidmom]

It is sad that the kids are always the ones who get hit the hardest, which is the reason I have hung around for as long as I have. Ah, the casualties of war...

Your attorney wouldn't let you workout outside your home???

[Deep]

Hbdad: Gardener puts it well - welcome/sorry .

Just to say I think you're incredibly strong at this stage, surely a heck of a lot more stable than I remember myself.

Quite a bit of similarity in our sitch. Roughly the same age. A trigger for my W's A was the diagnosis of a colleague with a serious illness. You'll find it's quite a common trigger for MLC/WAS like behaviour, illnesses and death.

It's great that you're detaching. Personally however, I find there's a few fine lines to walk on if (and a pretty big if) the WAS mode was turned on by a perceived lack of love/attention/focus on problems in the M. Detaching doesn't mean you ignore your part in what led to the root causes of the problem.

Better posters will weigh in to give you advice I'm sure. Best of luck to you!

[hbdad]

The attorney wanted me to spend as much time as possible with the kids to show that I was a good parent. Not that I am not a good parent, but the attorneys can spin everything you do into a negative. Now that we have a 50/50 custody arrangement I can get back to working out. I need the workouts, a great stress reliever.

[hbdad]

Deep,

For the last month I did everything wrong. I cried nearly everyday. I cried in front of my wife. I pleaded and I begged. I started doing all of the house chores laundry, bathrooms, you name it. I did this partly because I thought that is what she wanted me to do and partly because it needed to get done. She was not around much in the last 45 days. But everything or nicety I did made her angrier. It was like she just wanted me to fall off the face of the earth, NOW! Then a friend said to me the other day "You're Free!". At the time I did not want to hear it but after reading these forums and the DR book it all sort of made sense. To do a true 180 I feel you have to be yourself, a positive fun person that people enjoy being around. I am still nice to my wife but I am not going to be as available. I am going to go out with my friends. I don't want to be free but I cannot control my wife. I can control who I am and what I am about. I would give anything to keep my marriage together but it takes two and she needs some space.

I was not sure what you meant by "Personally however, I find there's a few fine lines to walk on if (and a pretty big if) the WAS mode was turned on by a perceived lack of love/attention/focus on problems in the M." Could you please explain? Thanks for the reply. You guys are a great support group!