Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

[ [quote] I have communicated my boundaries, but those mean NOTHING to my H.

What are the consequences of crossing the boundaries? Your boundaries mean nothing to you and your H knows it by your actions.

You can handle it.

Cheers

Coach, thank you for stopping by. I have been hoping for awhile that you would stop by to offer some wisdom.

This is the root of one of my main problems with H. In the rest of my life, my work, my friends, my family- I have always been the leader, the go-to girl, the one with all the ideas. My H is the one and only IMPORTANT person in my life that I have EVER allowed to lead me. I have a very strong personality, his is even stronger.

Not to try to sound like a cop-out, but I honestly don't know how to set boundaries with him anymore. Actually, I state them but I know they are not taken seriously. I have beat myself up for so long for lying to him that I have never really forgiven myself.

For these two reasons, I think you hit the nail on the head- I am not serious about my boundaries and he knows it. And honestly, I am so exhausted from these last 7 years that I don't know how to change it. Any other area of my life, yes; but in this sitch, I really have no clue. It is puzzling to me too.

Update from this morning- H walks by the bathroom around 6:00 am and tells me that I need to take the boys to school this morning. H always takes the boys to school unless he has to be somewhere early. This morning, I had two choices. 1) Take the boys to school and confront the last-minute request tonight, or 2) Confront him immediately about his decisions to tell me things at the last minute just like he sprung the trip to CT on me Friday night. Not saying it was the right thing to do, but because I was still reeling from the weekend's events, I chose the latter. Went a little something like this:

Me: I'm happy to take the boys to school this morning, but WHEN are you going to start showing me some respect and not wait until the last minute to tell me things? Why didn't you tell me last night before I went to bed? You KNOW I am a planner and that I would have made some adjustments to my morning routine had I known that I would be taking them to school.

H: Don't worry about it, I'll take them to school. I got you.

Me: No, I will take them. THat is not the point. Just like you waited until the last minute to tell me about CT.

H: That was not the last minute.

Me: Of course not, not for you or your family, but it was for me. I will take them.

H: No, I will...

Long story short, up until the last minute, H was going to take them to school. I am stubborn and I said that I would follow if he felt compelled to take them. Oh, and I was. I caught him in a moment of "I need to get out the door" and told the boys to get in my car so we could go.

Do I think I handled this the best way? No, I do not. I did what I wanted to do. One of the recent posts, can't remember which thread, said that in any given moment when faced with what action to take, ask yourself what God would do. Due to my hotheadedness, disappointments, and pure pain from my sitch, I didn't ask myself this question until alone in my car after dropping the boys at school.

One good thing happened did happen this morning though. Rushing around like we did to get out of the house, I got them to school 15 minutes before they could go in, so we sat and played rock, paper, scissors and singing until they could go in. Highlight of my day!!! And I mean that sincerely.

After the no, I will take them; no, I will take them exchange and before I got out the door, H had my number. I don't remember everything that was said because conversations like that often involve me reacting purely on emotion and today was no exception.

I DO NOT SEE A WAY TO MAKE THIS M WORK. I love H, always will. I just don't see how he will ever want to find his way back to me. This is not about how daily things go, that he wants to be with someone newer, younger. No, he does not trust me or believe anything I say. I have lived the last 20 years having sexual contact with nobody else but him and he doesn't trust me. Actions speak louder than words and neither my actions or my words have had any impact on him. He refuses to believe that I have been faithful. How do I compete with that? At this point, I feel like I need to detach, come up with my plan to create a life for me and the boys separate from my H, and seek help to implement those changes. The thought saddens me to no end, but I have been dealing with this for 7 years. I am no Job, but will be 7 years in another 2 weeks.

Thanks for making your way through this rant. I could really use some advice.

BIM