#66 Looking for Susnhine...

[MichelleLT]

(((Maria)))

Sorry about your uncle.

Glad your H is doing something about work. I know that's a scary step for him and I'm sure that it won't make things immediately better, as someone else said, he still needs to address his issue of putting work before family.

Hang in there sweets. Try not to let the rain cover up the sunshine we all know is there.

[frank_D]

In my neck of the woods if you said a girl had the talent of BJs it would have nothing to do with work. I didn't get that part of your post either...

When she said that I thought he was going to be opening a traveling brothel....

[Kalni]

I meant what you thought of Bbj. That's her talent!!! (Ok, being a little sarcastic here)
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K.. I am glad your Dad is doing ok, I'm sure he is glad you are there with him.

My stbxh reisgned today.

BLOODY HELL !!! Thats amazing! See, he could do it, all those endless posts here about how he wont give up one his 2 jobs..and he just did ! I hope they do let him go.

her "expertise" (BJs) match perfectly his new plans... Which makes me feel like I am the worng person to be with at this phase.

..yes, well, men dont leave their wives and date run off with someone just for their excellent PR, or typing skills!!! You ARE the right person for him to be with now he is launching his own business, you are smart, calm and "the only person he ever listened to" for opinions! Guess you need to work on your confidence??

Something is missing. And it's not her. I think his love is gone. As a result, my love is not coming back. Maybe I am wrong. We'll see.

K.. dont shout at me either, but when I read that, my instant thought was the same as Kat and Jack had. Try loving him?? Its a two-way street, remember I told you I too had to pour as MUCH love and reassurance onto bf as he was me when we reunited, else we may not have made it. I've also been saying to you for over a year now.. take the wall down to him? Let go of your pride a little? Thats why they call it "foolish pride" hey.

Ok, so he left her and came back.. but you have to accept there has to be something there for him to come back to. If you continue to be cautious and gaurded, suspicious, negative (ok, realistic as you called it!), resentful and brooding.. why would he want to be loving back to you?

I also agree with Kerry and I asked you before.. whats with this STBXH????

And like Jack, I would also say me and bf R is by FAR better than it ever was those 9 years before!

At least he said he WOULD come over, instead of go out with the boys..he's trying??
xxxxx

[Kalni]

Ali,
I am not negative, resentful, brooding to him. I am talking sweetly, hugging him, etc etc

He only responds, never initiates. I think he initiated hugs and snuggles the first 2-3 nights he stayed over. That was it.

Last night he came late and we talked about his job for 2 hours. Till 3 in the morning. I am trying to listen the best I can and encourage and give him ideas he may havent thought about.

In the end I feel asleep, couldnt keep my eyes open. This morning he got ready and left. On the way out he came back and kissed me.

This is WORK time again. No doubt. Hopefully some things will be clear soon. I am thinking of setting the boundary about her this weekend when hopefully he will be a bit more relaxed.

It's weird. He has changed. He was grown as far as the work is concerned. Sometimes, I dont recoginse his way of thinking. Makes me feel ... worried. But, I understand that that is probably a good thing and not a bad thing.

I am thinking what you guys are saying. About showing love. I dont know if I can be open and do it. But I guess I could try.
K

[Gypsy]

Hello Specialest of K's..

*hugs*

Sending hugs, prayers and condolences for the loss of your uncle to you and your family. Tugs at mortality are rough when a sibling dies. It can also have a silver lining. Being alive beats the alternative.

How to show love.. hmmmm. Some of the most precious actions are those that show you know someone. A small action.. not a huge proclamation. What little things do you do for your kids without thinking because you know it makes them feel better? My daughter loves to have her back scratched. I'll do it sometimes while walking past her. It's something she likes but doesn't think to ask for. What about your spouse? It might just be a sunshine smile.

It's progress, not perfection in reconciliation. Your spouse might want you to listen, be a cheerleader rather than fix or improve. Listen. Ask him. Have him tell you what he needs. Of course, I'm not in the position you're in and don't know what you're going through. My former spouse was gone like the wind and never looked back.

What are your biggest hurdles? What do you need to feel at ease? It sounds like total transparency in all communications he has or doesn't have with her is important. Your spouse giving the passwords to his email account(s) might fit the bill. Men need to be told what to do when it comes to womenfolk or so I've read. Clear, specific, this is a deal breaker directions not "I know how to get this on my own" type of threats.

From the beginning you've said he has the ability to win you back. And you're struggling because he's starting to do them or else you wouldn't find yourself in this quandary.

Try following this formula when you talk to him about stuff outside your comfort zone:

When you do (insert action), I feel (emotion) because (how it specifically makes me feel).

For example, when my daughter makes plans without consulting me and screws up my schedule.

"When you schedule your voice lesson without checking with me, I feel disrespected because what I have planned doesn't seem to matter."

It probably comes off better than telling her she's selfish.

With that said... Yay, Kalni, Go, Sunshine... You're best!!! shaking my pompoms

*hugs*

[sofaraway]

Hi K, you know I always come bearing my unique perspective so please simply take it as that, one view.

It takes two to Tango, his level of commitment to this needs to be two fold of yours. If HE wants his marriage to work, really work and truly is committed to you, then he needs to be doing more than:

He only responds, never initiates.

This is not a simple task you are undertaking and I can tell you that if he is not ready to start acting like a husband is supposed to, then he himself is setting you up to fail because as a man he knows damn well that HE is the one with work to do.

Making the effort to do this is exceptional Maria, but with any effort there is a chance of failure. Please make sure you have contingency plans in place in case the result of all of this does not end up being your ideal.


Ian

[AliSuddenly]

Sorry K, I didnt mean that to sound quite so harsh! I know you are trying, but sometimes you said you find it hard and its not surprising hey? Its alot to get past, ALOT. I gues you could try at least, like you say... (nothing ventured, nothing gained etc!). If you dont try, then perhaps that would be self-sabotage? Whats the worst that could happen? You get hurt again? You've been there before and at least you know now, you'd be ok. You'd lose face/your pride? So what, we'll all be dead one day, noone will care then what you did/didnt do! Whats the best that could happen? You get a loving husband back and a father for your kids....

Hugs to you, dont beat yourself up xxx

[john210]

<<I am thinking of setting the boundary about her this weekend when hopefully he will be a bit more relaxed>>

Hey K, i realize that this "her" thing is lingering....i am not sure what that boundary is but i have a hunch it will not make for a very relaxed weekend discussion.


I find it very tricky to take one person's point of view (yours) and make judgements on the other person....but I will go ahead anyway.
I agree with others here in that it is a two way street. I also think that your husband is very lucky to have another chance and if he were a SUPERIOR man, he would take the bull by the horns and LEAD.

[Kalni]

Boundaries: So far our discussions were limited and sidetracked to the past. I want to talk about the future and present.
-Email passwords
-free access to mobile
-talk with her (or email)
-start routines that create positive memories feelings but -specifics based on our schedules like : going out Friday nights, -going alone just the 2 of us for coffee Sat mornings
-Arrange to have a babysitter option for Sat nights
-read together parts of books that will help us understand each other
-one hour per week to discuss the past (more would be too much for me)
-consciously hug/kiss/ be tender to each other
-explain the need for verbal reassurance I have
-set a plan about when H should move back in
-discuss how to handle people that knew (my parents are again VERY accepting with him, no hostility, no questions asked)
-talk to the kids

I asked him to LEAD where this R is going. Have a goal and do what it takes.

I am not sure he would accept all these. But I am willing to listen and understand and explain.

I think sex will be a sticky point between us. I have this idea he thinks I cant become a lover to him, just his...wife. And I got to tell you, I feel more sexually mature right now than ever and that possibility of a dead sex life is a no no for me.

He doesnt even give me "looks". Makes me feel like his ...granny.
K