MY wife was so crushed with overwhelming despair, and confusion...ANY choice she actually made ANY decision no matter how bad, was a relief to her. She made bad choices compunded with more bad choices because she didn't see how to get out.
I can say the same about how my H has made poor choices and felt relieved just to make a choice(that's why he gave the atty a retainer and asked for a D in 5/09). My H flounders alot at this point in his crisis and when he's sick of feeling crappy he makes a choice of some sort, any choice-it does seem random..to feel like he's moving forward.
So J3B, did your wife describe what helped her come out, or what it felt like when she started seeing daylight?
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
The syptoms are similar...but the way out is individual.
I know an MLC who had to see a man die in front of her to see the light. My wife realized that there was nothing of me in her apartment and it wasn't...full. Another who realized his wife was the best thing he was going to lose...
So there is no magic bullet for it. There is no...one thing to recreate it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You know your family best - sounds like a good Thanksgiving plan.
If you had given me the MLC script 14 months ago and told me once sane, rational people could change so much and act like that I would have be skeptical at best. Then it hit my life. I do believe MLC exists. I don't think it is an excuse for "bad behavior," but it does drive people to do things that are way off their normal moral compass, that whole trying to do something, anything to make themselves feel better.
Apology in advance for the hijack.
[hi-jack]
Jack, I just wanted to thank you for all your advice you post. I have read a lot of your posts the past couple of weeks on various threads and they have helped me get my head out of where I don't want it to be and back in the game. I hope. I sometimes need those smacks in the head.:)
I have always hated the word excuse. One of my H’s favorite things to tell S, is that he didn’t want to hear excuses for certain behaviors, just explanations. Well unfortunately, those explanations, were only considered explanations IF S agreed with H about what he had done wrong. Otherwise they were excuses. And excuses are unacceptable.
Regardless of whether we agree with it or not, whether we call something an excuse or an explanation, or the third rock from the sun, it is what it is. It is the reason behind someone’s behavior. We can crucify them for it, and remain angry and become bitter, or we can accept it, even if we don’t understand or agree with it, and move ourselves into a better place emotionally. Up to you.
I simply won’t debate the validity of MLC because I have lived it. Just like the rest of us here.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You are right, Thanksgiving probably wouldn't work out too well because you are far too angry to be able to handle it.
Every post lately is dripping with words of anger, bitterness and hate towards the OW and your Husband.
This is what you are going to have to work on.
Until you make these changes, and learn how to forgive, you will not move forwards in this journey.
Forgivness does not mean that you condone the behavior, it doesn't mean that all that has happened is swept under the rug. It means that you are going to let it go, and not dwell on it so much anymore.
MLC or not, it doesn't matter. You are starting to get obsessed with this, and that isn't healthy.
Do you have any hobbies? Anything you like to do, or things you have always wanted to do but never had the chance?
What are your personal goals?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I NEVER, EVER SAID MLC DIDN'T EXIST...THAT WAS KIMMIE LEE!!
I started my post with the fact that I do believe in MLC 100%, that doesn't mean it makes sense to "normal" people, that is all I said. I totally know my XH is in severe MLC, he is classic. If someone had told me 3 yrs. ago any of this would have happened to me, I would have laughed in their face! I saw MLC first hand too and still am, that is forsure!! I just had no idea how to deal with it and did everything wrong for 2 years, and now I am trying to go back and undo the wrong and move forward doing it right. If I had found this even 2 years ago, my XH would not be my XH but still my H, cause I would have never given up. I just thought I did all I could do, tried to get through to him all I could, and had faught enough, but really I was doing everything I shouldn't and was pushing him to make decisions, any decision, and he made all the wrong ones.
I am sorry you feel my posts seem angry, it is not all anger, it is hurt, pain, agnony, etc. And, regardless of how many times you try to convince yourself that you need to just let go and "move on" it isn't always the most healthy way to do it that way. For most people a divorce is a long, long greiving process, you don't forgive all someone has done in 5 months and if you do you will be dealing with it again because you are lying to yourself. The rule of thumb is 6 mo. for every year married, hard to accept, but true. I will not move ahead and forgive before I have done other steps necessary. I know what it means to forgive and I plan to do it when it is right for me. At this point all XH has done is still pretty fresh to me and very, very fresh to my kids. I read on another thread how that is the most raw place for most..their kids! My XH did do a 180 exactly 3 years ago. I didn't find this site in time to really do all the things necessary to turn things around. For that I am very sad, but like I said, I am doing them now. I have not reacted to anything at all to do with him for awhile now, and I continue to heal. I don't use OW's name because C said not to, she is not entitled to a name in my world. I have a lot of reasons to be angry, and as someone said before anger is not unhealthy. It is an honest emotion and if you tell yourself you have no anger, you are fooling yourself, so I admit my anger and deal with it. I have been doing that for 2 years, it has gotton better, and I really thought I could come here to vent. I really have just been venting and running things by people here. Some peoole have been more than helpful!! And, you have no idea how much I appreciate that, I have soooo much on my plate and I run the gamet of emotions daily. Everyone has their cross to bear, mine is not worse than anyone elses, in fact probably much better.
I handled him being here wonderfully, he wanted to be with me, he wanted me to touch him and such, I thinks it went well. Thanksgiving with just me and the kids would be fine, it has nothing to do with being able to handle my anger or not. It purely had to do with my family. I don't feel obsessed with anything at all, really. My head knows I will never understand what has happened or happens in the future with his MLC, but my heart wants to know, and never will. Again, in time I will come to terms with all of it, right now I am doing what needs to be done to get there.
I am busy raising three kids alone, I don't have any weekends off, or Wed. night breaks, nothing, so no...right now it is about making it to the next day, getting my 16 yr old to go to school, therapy sessions, working full-time...really just keeping my head above water. I do stuff with friends, and when my kids are more settled and doing better, I will have more time for me. Right now, I read the bible when I get a chance.
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
My Husband also had a MLC, OW and moved 3000 miles away to start a new life for himself and left me alone to be a single mom to our children. He was gone for over 2 1/2 years.
He has been home now for 2 1/2 years.
(((hugs)))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thank you for that very clear view of where you are.
From my point of view, your previous posts were turning bitter, and if you let that happen, then the MLC has beaten 2 people and affects 3 others. Venting is great and helpful.
Aug,
Now, yes I know you have three kids, I am not asking you what you are doing with your time to GAL.
I am asking what do you not like about yourself.
Saying I need to lose 10 lbs...thats fine...but that is physical and fleeting. Do that...but what inside of you don't you like.
Now is the time you can use to improve that.
Are you short with your kids? Take deep breaths and learn how to interact better. Tired of every little thing annoying the hell out of you? Learn to laugh at those things instead.
Look at yourself, and kill the things you do not like.
You improve yourself and it eats up time on this journey...and really it makes the journey worthwhile.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
August, We KNOW that MLC exists, we understand. You know, you could have known about MLC and this site on day one, and still found yourself unable to stop his crazy spin, or the D. But you would have at least had some support. It's unfortunate you didn't.
I’d like to renegotiate “The rule of thumb” with you. Otherwise, I’m looking at just over 13 years. I’ve also heard of “The rule of thumb of one year for every five married”. Could I sell you on that one? Better yet, let’s start a new Rule of Thumb. Every person has been blessed with the privilege of being unique in this world. We all get to make our own rules, and change them when we think we need to. Hey, if it works for a MLCer ……
What Jack often encourages folks to do is just what you mentioned, the “other steps necessary”. Yours may be different from other people and you may have your own timeline. He’s only pressing to understand your focus on your unique plans for self growth. You’re right about accepting your anger and surely your C is trying to help with that. Anger is often called the gateway emotion that controls all other emotions. You gotta deal with anger to move on to happy, or forgiveness, or commercials with people dancing in a meadow. Supporting folks that are trying to restore their happy is what we’re about. Sometimes the medication is in the form of a (((hug))), and sometimes it is a virtual smack on the noggin.
One all too common aspect of MLC is the complete absence of an answer to “why?”
Why did it happen to him/her/me/us? Why didn’t I see it in time to do something? It is so very hard to reach that point where we realize the waste in asking the “why”. Any answer from the MLCer would only be their best guess at a question with no right answer. They would most likely script a reply intended to justify the nonsense to them alone. We might as well ask “Why … are we still asking why?” Try to work on being comfortable with not knowing something that just doesn’t exist, and knowing that it doesn’t. Don’t sit and wonder about something that isn’t there. He has no answer, there isn’t one. He has no idea, and always will be … clueless as to Why? If you have to have an answer, try “Because his bowl of cereal didn’t Snap, Crackle or Pop anymore”. It’s no more ridiculous than the cr@p he will one day try to offer up! There's no CSI or autopsy that can solve the why.
Right now you’re busy doing the impossible - raising three kids alone. You don't have any time off and making it to the next day is a struggle. But along with getting your 16 yr old to go to school, therapy, working full-time...and keeping your head above water… you’re teaching yourself and your kids to overcome unexpected and impossible odds.
When you do all those impossible things for everyone else, remember you’re doing them for yourself also. It makes you stronger for yourself and those you love. You’re not just surviving but conquering. When you have more time for you, it will be nice, but something will be missing … all those things that keep you so busy, and your kids. It will come soon enough. When you do have a few minutes to spend with friends, kids, or reading – just remember what a conqueror you are. Be the parent the kids never forget, because they may come to you for support and strength one day asking “why?”
