Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

I NEVER, EVER SAID MLC DIDN'T EXIST...THAT WAS KIMMIE LEE!!

I started my post with the fact that I do believe in MLC 100%, that doesn't mean it makes sense to "normal" people, that is all I said. I totally know my XH is in severe MLC, he is classic. If someone had told me 3 yrs. ago any of this would have happened to me, I would have laughed in their face! I saw MLC first hand too and still am, that is forsure!! I just had no idea how to deal with it and did everything wrong for 2 years, and now I am trying to go back and undo the wrong and move forward doing it right. If I had found this even 2 years ago, my XH would not be my XH but still my H, cause I would have never given up. I just thought I did all I could do, tried to get through to him all I could, and had faught enough, but really I was doing everything I shouldn't and was pushing him to make decisions, any decision, and he made all the wrong ones.

I am sorry you feel my posts seem angry, it is not all anger, it is hurt, pain, agnony, etc. And, regardless of how many times you try to convince yourself that you need to just let go and "move on" it isn't always the most healthy way to do it that way. For most people a divorce is a long, long greiving process, you don't forgive all someone has done in 5 months and if you do you will be dealing with it again because you are lying to yourself. The rule of thumb is 6 mo. for every year married, hard to accept, but true. I will not move ahead and forgive before I have done other steps necessary. I know what it means to forgive and I plan to do it when it is right for me. At this point all XH has done is still pretty fresh to me and very, very fresh to my kids. I read on another thread how that is the most raw place for most..their kids! My XH did do a 180 exactly 3 years ago. I didn't find this site in time to really do all the things necessary to turn things around. For that I am very sad, but like I said, I am doing them now. I have not reacted to anything at all to do with him for awhile now, and I continue to heal. I don't use OW's name because C said not to, she is not entitled to a name in my world. I have a lot of reasons to be angry, and as someone said before anger is not unhealthy. It is an honest emotion and if you tell yourself you have no anger, you are fooling yourself, so I admit my anger and deal with it. I have been doing that for 2 years, it has gotton better, and I really thought I could come here to vent. I really have just been venting and running things by people here. Some peoole have been more than helpful!! And, you have no idea how much I appreciate that, I have soooo much on my plate and I run the gamet of emotions daily. Everyone has their cross to bear, mine is not worse than anyone elses, in fact probably much better.

I handled him being here wonderfully, he wanted to be with me, he wanted me to touch him and such, I thinks it went well. Thanksgiving with just me and the kids would be fine, it has nothing to do with being able to handle my anger or not. It purely had to do with my family. I don't feel obsessed with anything at all, really. My head knows I will never understand what has happened or happens in the future with his MLC, but my heart wants to know, and never will. Again, in time I will come to terms with all of it, right now I am doing what needs to be done to get there.

I am busy raising three kids alone, I don't have any weekends off, or Wed. night breaks, nothing, so no...right now it is about making it to the next day, getting my 16 yr old to go to school, therapy sessions, working full-time...really just keeping my head above water. I do stuff with friends, and when my kids are more settled and doing better, I will have more time for me. Right now, I read the bible when I get a chance.

A