Affairs: my 2 euro cents and based on my personal experience and on what I have read, which btw, I must add, that when I first read the relevant material, I RESISTED to recognise myself as on of the many standard script cases. I was UNIQUE damn it!!!
When there is an affair, you must set boundaries and be firm about it, but I think the timing is crucial. I didnt set boundaries because I had not a confession of an affair, just my gut feelings, some evidence and just like most people, I thought my darling Husband wasnt able to lie to me looking in my eyes. (I wasnt the only one Unique, I had also married a Unique man!!! LOL)
I found out recently and I I have thought what I would have done differently if I knew all along. Basically nothing different the first YEAR. You see, when they are so hot about their A partner (if i'ts not a one night stand), their emotional connection to them is much stronger than the one with the LBS. It's all those chemicals Puppy talks about, it's the excitement and the new life that we, the old worn out pair of shoes cant compare with. Add the anger and hurtful scenes played before and after the bomb, add their need to get away from what makes them feel guilty and ashamed deep down, the person that isproof of their wrong choice, their failure, theirm mistake, and your boundaries will push them further away.
In my case, we went through the stages Michelle decsribes, the anger had to disolve, some connection had to be establshed,I had to find my old good me, his affair had to play out.
Once they are gone, they are gone. The agreement has been violated, the big step is already taken, our influence on them, on their emotion or logic is gone. They need to stabilise, we need to stabilise. Then the fog is lifted. What becomes visible then, is what will make the difference.
If I had tried to set boundaries earlier, we would be divorced by now. Mind you, I never was a doormat, or at least that's what I think, never had sex with him, never accommodated his affair (that I didnt know about), never had money problems or parenting issues. He was pretty good with all that. So, I had set boundaries, but NOT related to her, related to how he treated me.
If I had pushed early on, based on entitlement (as Rob says) because of our vows, we would have been divorced. Our vows (in the broad sense) meant nothing to him. He HAD SEPARATED himself from me to prove me that.
I can understand how IGNORING the A while you know about it, is extremely difficult. Heck, I cant stop thinking about it now that is over... Maybe that helped me. That I didnt know and I only had a vague idea I was being compared with her but he never flashed her in my face or to any of our friends or family.
I may still end up divorced. But guess what? I feel I should set boundaries now that he wants to reconcile. It's not an easy thing to do, makes me feel I will break this fragile thing between us. But I know when I will, I will feel enpowered. K
Something I like to remind myself often: do I choose Right over Happy? Do I like me being a martyr and what do I gain out of that?
