I'm a little late in reading your thread but wow- I should have sooner because I can totally relate to your experience. I wanted you to know you're not the only one. My H and I were involved in swinging also, and it's been a major downfall for us. He was very into it, and I endured because I didn't have the strength to set boundaries, and it took a huge toll on me personally and us as a couple. I finally started to realize what I had to do earlier this year when H couldn't say that our marriage was more important than swinging. (Even though we had a great sex life, he still "needed variety- it's nothing personal..." How much more personal can you get??) Anyways- I was crushed, and H still has a single male profile posted (married but looking). We have other issues too, but this was a huge deal for me.
I'm sorry you are hurting so bad, but I hope you know you're not alone.
I need to read more of your posts. You see, I was your husband. I can completly relate. I'm sure my W thought our sex life was fine, but it wasn't. There was never any trust after the swinging.
I am so very sad that this is happening. I just can't imagine life without my W. I try and sometimes I can see it. I go out, I GAL and I usually end up thinking, I can do this...I can be single. I'll have no problems. The problem is the little things, and there are a lot of them. Memories like how we got our christmas tree, our many thanksgivings in our old house, the dreams of a new start in our new house, etc... Those things come back and I just can't see myself with another person, feeling the way I do for my W. But she says those feelings are gone, no more chances, I knew the risks and I took them anyway.
I've gone to counseling and have been in it for a while. I am making good progress and my W has agreed to go with me, but only to learn to rebuild trust and communication for the benefit of the kids, she still wants to divorce. If we rebuild trust and communication, isn't that the goal of a married couple?
I have counseling by myself tomorrow. Then we have our first joint session Thursday. She choose my counselor, a guy we saw for marriage counseling before...I thought that was odd, that she wanted to see him, but it also gives me hope that there is something there to save.
She hasn't mentioned divorce in a week and she keeps forgetting to drop off my financial papers. She says we are filing by the end of this week.
I just want another chance, but how many last chances can one person get? I've had three. This would be 4. Actions speak louder than words. I need to show change through my actions, not just by promising that I will change.
I wish we hadn't gotten into swinging at all. It was a HUGE mistake and not at all worth the cost of my mariage and family. It was fun, and it was almost surreal, but not worth it.
I wish you luck and will look for your posts to understand your situation better as well.
Please do- the very first post in my first thread is a doozy- I was more than a little upset... it really helped me to find some good people here, and I think I've come a long way since then.
I just finished it. Wow, talk about ironic. I feel really ashamed, because I feel like your husband, except I didn't admit I wanted to continue.
I'm in no way agreeing with him; but I would have been more understanding a few months ago. Now I am just hurt that I let something this dumb come between my best friend and myself. Thank you so much for posting, it helps me see the progress I have made in IC. That being said, I don't know that my wife will come back. It's been 2 months and it hasn't gotten any better; but I suppose someone could say that she hasn't filed yet too. a two month seperation is short in the grand scheme of things, but it seems like an eternity. Not living together makes it tough to see the changes I have been making; maybe MC will help, but it really isn't MC, it's "divorce counseling".
So many conflicting signals. "I want a divorce", "ILYBIDLY", "its over". Then there is the new big beautiful house, neither of us can afford it on our own. So we need to sell it. Three weeks after she tells me to get a sign for the yard, it finally goes up....but it was three weeks.
She agree's, last week, to go to see the counselor, but only to learn to communicate and rebuild trust to be good parents through and after divorce. "If something more happens, great". The next day I get an email reminding me that "she still wants a divorce".
She has advoided going over divorce papers, but today emailed me to say we needed to discuss the kids placement for the holidays.
Arg! I don't know how much more I can take. Tomorrow I leave for a week and she comes home with the kids. I am actually looking forward to it. That might sound like a bad thing for a Dad to say, but I like GALing, but at the same time, would prefer to do it with my wife. To do the things that led to our problems; specifically, not making our M a priority day to day.
Thursday is the first joint session with my C. I'm not expecting a lot, in fact, I am expecting that she will drop many bombs at this session because she has found it difficult to do with me; so the counselor gives her a safe/neutral place to tell me again that she wants a divorce and we need to get moving with it.
I don't know...I just don't know. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen? I know I won't do it again, with my W or with a future partner. It is just not worth it and it got me more heartache then happiness, that is for sure.
Again, our goal is NOT to stay married (well, that is her goal), but only to build communication and rebuild trust to be good parents through and after divorce
Hmmmm, Then why did she choose a Marriage Counselor (unless he's also a Family Counselor)?
Originally Posted By: HelpMe
(but when she agreed to this, she added that "if more happens, great").
Well, this could certainly be good. Not slamming the door shut. Baby step. Towards (perhaps). I'd also build on her choice of words, here. When with the MC you might want to mention something like, "I'm not here to see what happens. I am definitely here to make things happen." (in addition to admitting you've been an a$$hole, of course)
Originally Posted By: HelpMe
For now, I can just head to bed, knowing that tomorrow is another day and pray that I get the strength to get through it and the do the same thing tomorrow night.
Good. And don't pray to just get it: pray to be able to summon it up. You've got strength already.
Originally Posted By: HelpMe
I'd like something...even if it is just a thread of hope.
Maybe you are that thread of hope...for your family.
Keep going.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Like Gardener said- You already have the strength. You will need patience though too. Your marriage didn't break down over-night- it won't be fixed overnight, it will go in small steps. And the fact that she is going to the C with you is a positive. And like Coach always says- you can handle it. (Yeah, I know- I'm not real original, but let's go with what works )
My C knows all of this. He was our Marriage counselor in the past. He's not a family counselor, per se, but he is an IC and MC.
We have an appt next week for our oldest daughter and my W and I to start family C to learn how to help the kids deal with all of this.
I have had patience. I had done the Dbing and GALing. I've done them pretty well. My W doesn't see the guy who posts here, who just wants our family back together. When I am with the kids, I do my best to focus on them, and it certainly is more focused than it has been in the past (we're both good parents).
I am physically weak. I've lost 40 pounds and look much better, but I am exhausted. I have two jobs, one as a fulltime IT person and the other as elected leader of my community. My W and I have achieved so much, yet we are on the verge of letting it all go. It's my fault, mostly; but I do know it is her fault too. She's not without blame.
The holidays are approaching and she emailed me today to say that we need to discuss how we handle the kids over the holidays...that stinks. I want to be a family again. I know that the only way to achieve that is to be patient, give her space and work on myself...but how does someone see the positive changes when you are seperated and spend no time together?
I think C is my only chance to show these changes. Fortunatly, I meet with my C tomorrow and we see him again on Thursday together. I have lots to discuss with him tomorrow in preperation for Thursday. He is well aware of my goals, is familiar with DBing and even said that the book, which I found on my own, was a good book. I think he sees hope, but hasn't specifically said that..just that in his conversations with my W that he feels she is very conflicted and confussed.
I can't tetll you how much I appreciate the posts and feedback. It helps, even if I am being a bit weak and self-focused right now. I will GAL like never before for the next week, but I worry that come Friday, she will file. She has said as much; but again...she hasn't returned my paperwork, which I asked for twice...and I won't ask for again.
We are supposed to meet on Weds to discuss the transition of the kids. Last week I had C over lunch and she was upset because she said we said we would meet each Weds at that time to go over the transition. I offered to meet later, but she was busy. Today I emailed to confirm meeting at lunch to go over things and she replied that she didn't think we needed to. Not sure that is good or bad. I worry that she wants to wait until counseling to be in a neutral environment to tell me that it is really over and that she is filing on Friday.
Thanks Gardener, TrentC, Sandi2 and Spybunny (and others). Like so many others here, your posts really help me.
My daughter talked to me tonight. She asked if I had given up hope, which was strange because we told the kids that we were getting divorced together and, I don't believe either of us has talked to the kids in a way to suggest otehrwise...but they are a lot smarter then we give them credit for.
I asked her what she meant and she explained that she thought I was still being hopeful that we would stay married.
I asked her why she thought that and she said that I always seem to be trying to make sure the house is clean before we trade for the week and if I didn't care about her, why would I care about the house being clean?
I told her that just because we were getting a divorce didn't mean we didn't care for each other.
She just looked at me and asked me not to lose hope because you should never ever ever ever give up.
She's 11.
Isn't it weird, how out of no where, there is a burst of energy and support that lifts you up?
Same thing here today. I have posted several times, just venting as I need to, but no replies...which is fine, they come when I need them....today I really needed them. I melted down this afternoon, had to take some time away from the kids to collect myself, call some relatives and vent. I cried hard, by myself. I was angry, exhausted, confused and utterly out of gas. I came back and saw several posts on my thread, then my D tells me this tonight.
Now, I guess, it is up to me to keep that going for another 48 hours until I get through the first C session with my W.
I hope you're feeling better today, and it is amazing how you get what you need when you truly need it, isn't it?
I know it's easier to say "don't worry about the next couple days because you can't do anything to control your W's actions" than it is to actually do it, but I truly hope you can. I'm sure your C can give you ideas for coping if you ask him at your appt. today. I am so glad that you can see the progress you've made in IC- that is big and will help you whether you stay married to your wife or not. I've been seeing an IC also, whereas my H hasn't even begun to take a look at himself and I have very little hope that he will. (He keeps placing all our issues on me, and cannot accept responsibility for his role. Very frustrating!) And it is a positive sign that your W is even going to the counseling sessions- I hope you are both going in with open hearts and minds. We stopped our MC last week when we realized that we were just not ready to open ourselves up like that.
And please take care of yourself in the meantime- you deserve to be good to yourself.
I really let it out at my IC session this morning. When I was done, he said he had been waiting for me to do that.
You see, I never really got upset when I was with him. I would be sad, but never angry. Every session started with "I want to stay married".
Today he asked me how I was and I said "mad". he smiled and asked why and I said that I was tired of being jerked around. I told him that I came to see him to work on MY problems, but I always focus on my M problems and right now, it has been made very clear to me that there is "no hope" we are getting divorced, we are done, etc... yet NOTHING is changing. She complains about Limbo...but she is the one making it, not me.
After I vented, he smiled again and said that he felt I was certainly in a state of starting to detatch, and that wasn't bad. It was good. He said that he see's so much progress in our sessions and he thinks that, if my wife is as confused as he thinks she is, she is delaying everything because she isn't sure.
I told him I was honestly questioning how sure I was about hanging on anymore. He said he could tell and that was a good thing.
We talked about my time away from home and what I do. I was honest with him, as I have been from day 1. He said he was impressed and that he felt I was doing nothing wrong. He did say that I seemed less hopeful, and he didn't want to string me along, but reminded me that I worked for over 2 months to get my W to counseling and considering it is tomorrow, I should "hang in there" for at least another day, but also cautioned that nothing should be expected tomorrow.
I plan for the worse...a safe environment for her to once again tell me everything I did wrong. That's fine. I know what I did wrong; she's the one who won't see her role in all of this.
In the end, I think it was a very good session. I felt pretty free afterward. I'm looking forward to talking with friends tonight and then going to C with my wife tomorrow to see what she has to say. Whatever is said, I will be fine. I'm expecting the worse so that if that does happen, I am prepared. if it doesn't, well that would be even better.
)