I wanted to go back to your other post as well, as I had been thinking about it, and in comparison to some things that happened to me that really helped my thought process as I moved to separate.
Just to digress back to my sitch for comparison: When I finally decided to drop everything and bail, it was amazing how all the things just 'fell' into place correctly. Literally, when the thoughts coalesced into the 'I am moving out' and I meant it, it took 2 weeks from start to finish to get setup from scratch in a new life, after 14 years in an old one, and I mean everything just happened with absolute minimal hitches. That struck me as really odd, and if I was more spiritual, I may have said there was another hand involved to get this done, that's how strongly I feel now looking back at that transition.
As they happened, I held firm to them through that time period and they help steel my resolve to keep going. In addition, the actual working on it helps as there is many things to focus on during that period.
Now, back to Bunny's sitch, previously in progress: In one of your recent posts, you had started to pull the trigger, and what you wrote struck me the same way as in my sitch:
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I can move in 11/28 even tho the lease doesn't start until 12/1- they'll let me have those three days as a bonus. The lady in the office was really sweet. She said her church had just started a Divorce Recovery Support group session and offered to sponsor me if I wanted to go.
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Bonus- he's a partner at the firm. He said if I wanted, we could handle the divorce in-house so I wouldn't incur atty fees, just court costs.
Wow, how powerful is it that at just the beginning, and in just your one post, there are a couple of things already starting to fall to you without any thought or request! I don't doubt for a second that as you move forward, you'll be able to spot many of these along the way. Hold them close to you as you spot them, as they will be able to help lift your spirits!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
If so, then whenever you're comfortable. Your first thought of 1 week is probably the one to go with.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Also- when does the sick feeling go away? I'm not feeling excited about this at all, the whole thing just feels wrong and surreal.
I imagine that sick feeling goes away when it goes away, like all pain. I'm sure it feels surreal to you, but wrong? No, I think you're right. So do you.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
While you are 'being strong & decisive' & I support your decision 110%, speaking from experience..don't underestimate the mental & emotional strain this will be.
be gentle with yourself, you are worth it.
((spybunny))
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
The actual lease papers won't be ready for me to sign until the end of the week. We have everything agreed to and I'm approved- it just needs to be written in final form and I hand them a check.
I had an IC session today and she thinks I should tell H what I'm doing before I actually sign (preferably tonight), so that it's more of a mutual decision, it gives him one last chance to come to his senses (which is doubtful but he'll get his chance) and it's not hanging over my head for the next three weeks. I guess I'm gonna say something like this:
H, I've done a lot of thinking about our discussion last Sunday, and it's probably a good idea for us to try a separation unless you have any other ideas. I decided to go ahead and get the apartment- I can sign the lease this weekend and move out right after Thanksgiving. I don't plan on filing anything immediately- I would like to see how this goes first. I'll put together some numbers and separation proposals together re: kids, Christmas, money, furniture- so we can discuss how we want to work this.
Blech... still feeling sick... maybe I'll feel a little better after we talk. Dread can really beat me down.
I wouldn't be wish-washy. He has had plenty of opportunities to shape up.
By asking if he has any "other ideas" you are just enabling him again. Ofcourse he has better ideas. You should get medicated and start swinging again.
Agree. Don't get mealy-mouthed with the "unless you have any other ideas". You have already heard his ideas, ie, you need to gain confidence, blah blah blah.
Show your confidence. If you have decided, make that clear.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Yeah. I can understand giving him this warning, but I wouldn't give him the out. Just say you are doing it. If he has other ideas (real ones), make him say it. Then tell him you will think about it. Don't agree to anything.
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 11/03/0909:38 PM.
I had an IC session today and she thinks I should tell H what I'm doing before I actually sign (preferably tonight), so that it's more of a mutual decision, it gives him one last chance to come to his senses (which is doubtful but he'll get his chance) and it's not hanging over my head for the next three weeks.
"What" is not hanging over your head for the next 3 weeks?
I'm not sure I agree with this, with a man who has shown over & over to be abusive with a woman who has shown co-dependency. All I can see it being is 3 weeks of him arguing with your choice until you choose something different to get some measure of peace.. or he forces you out prior to that without you having a chance to get your ducks in a row.
If he was reading on DB some of the advice on here will tell him that if you are a WAS looking to move out, then he should kick you to the curb sooner rather than later, to learn the consequences of your actions. He may chose that instead of letting you stay the next three weeks 'cake-eating'.
As far as the letter goes, if you are going to send it.. I agree with the previous 2 posters... be decisive, don't let a chink show in your armour, it just gives him the leverage he needs to argue with you and 'prove you' wrong.
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Dread can really beat me down.
this is a huge decision & step for you. It is understandable why you would be feeling dread. And it can be paralyzing. I can really relate to that. I also believe you can handle it.. moving beyond the paralyzing fear to confident courage.
I can promise you, that you alone have the power to make your life different than what it is now or has been. All you have to do is believe that, imagine what it could be ... and take the first step.
We believe in you. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I think I'm gonna stick with my original plan. I think three weeks notice is too much, and it'll get really awkward around here.
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If he was reading on DB some of the advice on here will tell him that if you are a WAS looking to move out, then he should kick you to the curb sooner rather than later, to learn the consequences of your actions. He may chose that instead of letting you stay the next three weeks 'cake-eating'.
That's another thing that I'm afraid of. I saw those posts by the guys here early on- that's why I asked in my very first post why I should stay in my M...
I also want to proceed on the notion that I made my decision, whereas the IC thought it was better as a joint decision. I don't want to look like I'm asking permission. I'm surprised she thought that, actually she really knocked me off my game by suggesting that. Maybe she's hoping for some last minute regret by H? I told her he was tearing up during that last conversation- maybe that was throwing her off. I know he doesn't want me to go, but I can't stay on his terms.
I felt more confident with the one week's notice, I'm sticking with it.
