You would advocate hanging in there DB'ing for one's self, and just seeing where it goes? What of leading out of limboland?
Not trying to set up a fight. I am just trying to grapple with both these plans. I don't see how one can do both at the same time.
Well db'ing is about getting you back to the point before the bomb was dropped, before you were dropped like a bad habit by your WAS.
When you both come together and agree to start working on the marriage & the relationship, you aren't divorce busting at that point, you're reconciling.
Leading yourself out of limbo is DB'ing, actually it's a great thing to do, this act by itself will probably product alot of positive results for yourself and your spouse will notice.
Hear me out on this.
Leading yourself out of limbo acknowledges that you don't want to wait around forever for your spouse.
You're taking back some of the power in the relationship, your spouse originally made the decision to leave you, you've been pursuing like most LBS's, you stop pursuing, you detach, you let go of your attachment to the outcome, if you divorce, it's ok, because you will survive & thrive regardless of this. You stop pursuing your spouse, they notice you're not there pursuing them anymore, the dynamic shifts, they're used to eluding you, running away from you, maintaining space between you, you've stopped pursuing, they no longer have those tasks to perform (staying away, maintaining space). They notice that you have changed, you're no longer disagreeing with them on the divorce, in fact you're going in the opposite direction, you're agreeing because it frees you from limbo and you really are agreeing, they knew your intentions all along and since they didn't want be a part of that reality of reconciliation, you're now a part of their reality, pursuing a divorce, they have no one to fight against, you agree with their feelings because you share those same feelings, there is no more animosity, they can't fight someone that agrees with them, you're no longer their pet, you aren't pursuing them, you've become an individual again, you're charting your own course, you're going your own way and you are creating space between the two of you, more times than not, the WAS will fill in that space, that void - someone has to and that someone is no longer you. Since you appear different because you are different (you're no longer pursuing), they question what you're up to, is this another trick or is this for real? You're not pursuing, you're not wearing your heart on your sleeving preaching your undying love for them, they see the individual again, the confident person that is ready to live again without them, confidence is attractive, charting your own course and being a leader in your life is attractive, you're no longer needy, insecure which are unattractive qualities.
In the end, you have to decide to starting living again and that means letting go of the outcome, detaching, really detaching and living your life. If your spouse wants to share their life with you, something will happen between the two of you, the space between you two will be minimized, the lines of communication will open up again, and you have to be smart to recognize the opportunity but not jump at it, just realize it, observe it, and slowly ease yourself into a position where your spouse is comfortable around you again and you never bring up relationship talk, the goal ideally is for them to bring up relationship talk and for you to listen instead of dictating what you want at first. Make your spouse feel comfortable around you again because they've had to put defenses to guard themselves from you for quite some time now.
