Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[BigJohn]

Last week, STBXW didn't bother to check or pack properly for d8, and almost all the clothes in her bag were dirty. I washed them so she had clean clothes to get dressed in for school so I could drop them off, but I was shocked at that, but let it slide. This week, it's the same clothes that I packed back, and sent back, she never bothered to check for clean ones or if she had proper clothes to wear. I need to speak with STBXW about this.

Next, d8 tells me today that SS17 is the one that walked her around for trick or treat, STBXW stayed at home to 'pass out candy' I know there's nothing I can do about this, but that really ticked me off, d8's first holiday without dad around, and she sends her older brother around because she doesn't want to leave the house???? I need to probably let that go, but I don't understand that at all.

IWITW,

Thank you for the kind words on your prior post. Regarding the above, are you keeping a daily diary so you can document this stuff? Either your STBXW is going to take her parenting responsibilities seriously while she has your D8 her share of the time or she isn't. Perhaps if you document enough of these instances- especially after bringing them to you STBXW's attention and she does nothing- you may be able to have your custody with D8 modified or at the very least, STBXW admonished by the Court.

[SpyBunny]

Definitely document this stuff. And your daughter sounds like such a sweetheart- she's got a good example in her Dad showing her what a loving person is like.

[iwantittowork]

So, after this weekend I found some odd thoughts rumbling around in my head, and trying to process them.

I have been very dark with my STBXW, darker than I thought I could even manage, for the past 2 weeks. Probably have spoken a handful of words to her when picking up/dropping off d8, and only about d8.

After the past few things have transpired, and my thoughts on the sitch, I have clearly decided in my mind:
I have decided for myself, I do not want to associate with someone who would so willingly and willfully destroy a family, marriage and the lives involved so she could get new boobs, a new car, and start a new life dating other men, rather than work on her current relationship.

I am also tempering that statement with the knowledge of my own screw ups, failings and bad behavior during the relationship that contributed to where we are today. I accept that as well.

What was interesting to me was that it was not bitterness that brought these thoughts out. At first I thought it may be, but as I think about it, it's just the type of person I want to associate with. Why would I want to try and 'win' that person back, when I wouldn't associate with them to begin with? If she does change and wants back, then maybe I'll contemplate it.

I don't know if that sounds odd or not, but it seems odd that I am not willing to work at all any more to try and save the MR, unless she comes back to me looking to work on it?

[givingitmyall]

No, buddy, this doesn't sound odd. This sounds healthy.

Working on catching up to you!

[SpyBunny]

I don't think it sounds odd. You can only carry the burden by yourself for so long, and certainly nothing can happen unless she's willing to do her part. Does that mean that you've "dropped the rope"?

[BigJohn]

IWITW,

Another deja vu moment. No, nothing odd about these thoughts of yours as I have had similar thoughts/feelings. It boils down to just getting tired of all the B*ll$h*t that has transpired since the beginning of the sitch and realizing that you deserve to be with someone who is stronger, courageous, of better character and values. As a matter of fact, in my sitch, I've come to realize that a lot of the current BS is just an extension of pre-existing BS that I have lovingly tolerated over the years from my W.

Regarding the expectation of change from your W as a condition of R, I'm with you there too. I've already told my W in no uncertain terms that this is where I'm at as well. I'm not holding my breath though- I figure that by the time she finally figures everything out- she had a good life with a good (but not perfect) H- I'll be long gone.

[iwantittowork]

Yikes. Things are starting to heat up on the legal front, had been kind of quiet for the last few weeks.

I sent my paperwork to L today.
STBXW subpoenaed my work for records
Nov 13 is hearing date for motions

Puts more reality into the sitch, and getting my anxiety up.

I see that, here's a check point where I need to work on emotions/thoughts.

My anxiety is up, because I am thinking and 'projecting' what may happen on the 13th at the hearing, or that I am going to get financially screwed in this.

I can't know the outcome of that meeting at this time, so need to refocus my thoughts on that, so as to not be sitting in a pool of dread and anxiety for the next week and a half.

Easy to say, tougher to put into practice.

[iwantittowork]

So, a little bit of the crazy seems to be coming from STBXW, and I need some advice. Yesterday, I get an email from her accusing me of 'cyberstalking' her or something. I am going to paste the entire email here, as I have two things I am looking for advice on.

where you on this computer today? everything was closed and ss17 is out of town since yesterday morning, no one else uses this screen for any reason? d8's piano lessons are $66. this month.

1) I am flattered that she thinks I need to cyberstalk her, or even want to know what she is doing. I don't. I don't want to have any idea what she is doing. I am focused on myself.

I am an IT guy buy trade, so I can see how she would think I have access to her computer, however, when I left, I made sure no-one had access but someone physically in front of the machine, and I now live an hour away. I specifically set it up this way so this would not happen, nor would I even be tempted to try and find out what she is doing..

I have two choices, reply to this, or not. I want to also enforce the boundary that I am not, nor would I be doing that kind of thing to her, by stating something along the line:

"stbx, I will not reply in the future to these kinds of accusations, but in this case to ensure that you understand where I am currently with our situation. I specifically setup you computer so no one has access unless your physically sitting in front of it. I do not want, nor care, to know what you are doing with yourself at this time."

Too much? Should I not reply at all?

2) I had been expecting the next one for some time now, and it saddens me to know that it was coming and she does this still.

d8's piano lessons are $66. this month.

I have been providing support checks to her since I left in a very large weekly payment. The above statement is a very subtle way for my STBXW to try and manipulate me to get more of what she wants/control of finances and using d8 to do so. She has been doing this type of thing for a couple of months now.

My stand is: "I understand that d8's piano lessons are monthly, and you will pay for them from the weekly support checks I am providing already for d8's well being."

Too curt? Should I change anything up?

I am trying to put a stop to these types of things, so need some of your advice on how to do so.

[Steve McQueen]

did she strike a nerve with her accusation?

[iwantittowork]

Well, I was just saddened that she would think I would stoop to that low a place, or am that kind of person. I understand that there's things in the past, and prior behaviors that may have put her in that mind frame. I want her to understand that I am a different person now, and put a stop to these things.

I was though, slightly annoyed that the accusation was immediately followed up by a request for more money in the fashion that she did also..