WAW + MLC + Male BFF + "Just Friends" = Fed Up

[Heartbroken20]

Well, I decided to wait on telling our girls until next weekend I can be there for the following week to support them or answer any questions that will inevitably come up after the initial shock.

First reaction from wife was "why do we have to do it your way?" rather than any concern for the girls well being. Not surprising. "I don't like that you get to say when it happens." Calmly let her know that I would not tolerate her telling them without me there.

She finally agreed to wait "but I won't promise that again if you change your mind about next weekend, seems like you're just trying to put it off." Asked her what her rush was, did she have a timeline in motion? "No, we just need to tell them, it won't come as a surprise, trust me." Asked her what she meant by that, did she already say something? "No, but they know I have been unhappy, and see I don't wear my ring any more, and hear us fighting, I'm sure they are expecting it." Maybe but I'm betting it will still crush them when they actually hear it.

Second reaction was "why didn't you tell me sooner because I have been losing sleep worrying about this?" Calmly pointed out that this wasn't about her, it was about making sure I am there for our girls. I didn't tell her earlier as with all the Halloween stuff going on, there was no time to sit and discuss. Told her I had just found out my schedule late Friday, etc., but was really mad at myself for letting her bait me into defending my actions. No more Mr. Nice Guy trying to make things easy on her. Time for her to face reality that it's only the beginning of sleepless nights.

Told her how I would not be doing the talking, that she would explain to them why this is the only option for her. Told her I would only step in if she lied to them or tried to make this a "WE" decision or tried to put words in my mouth about the situation.

Talked about finances a little. Told her I would not be subsidizing her lawyer fees with family money. She said she would use her own income from her main job. Told her she would have to come up with extra from her new part-time business as we need her main job money for the household. She said I would be using family money for my lawyer, why couldn't she? Told her I was being FORCED to use money that should be saved for kids college, etc., due to her actions, but that I was not going to jeopardize their future to help her break up the family. She suggested using only a portion of her income then to pay for her lawyer and what percentage I though was fair. Didn't take THAT bait...asked what percentage SHE thought was fair? "I don't know, I haven't thought about it."

Doubt that, but do believe she hasn't thought through the whole divorce process and all of it's ramifications regarding family, friends, finances, children, grand-children, etc. She's making short-term decisions that have incredibly long-term, wide-ranging effects but can't see them through the fog. Typical WAW syndrome. She doesn't (or more precisely, refuses to) see it that way though. She just wants out.

Later, heard her talking "in code" (all answers but no statements or questions to the other person, as in "yes", "no", "not yet", "Noooo, not exactly...yes THAT!", "we'll chat later about that, okay?", etc.) to one of our daughter's best friend's Mom. She hung up then started texting back and forth for about 10 min.

Afterwards, she left her phone out and I couldn't resist checking out the texts.

Sent:"Thanks for calling, H is being his usual controlling self and now wants to wait until next weekend to tell girls."
Rec'd: "Just keep thinking about your girls, we'll talk more later when you're alone."

Turns out it was to the same Mom. Not surprised but we had specifically agreed NOT to discuss with ANY of our local friends whose kids were friends with ours so as to eliminate the risk of them finding out from someone else. Here she was talking about her decision and when we were going to tell girls with the Mom of one of our daughter's BEST friends!!!

So later, just for fun, I double-checked with her to make sure we were agreed that we would wait to say anything. Yes, agreed. Asked if she had told anyone else locally as we had agreed not to do so because of risk. "What does it matter? The girls aren't going to find out from anyone else." I said it DOES matter because they could, but MORE importantly, we had made an "agreement" NOT to tell any one local. She said a couple of her friends knew we were "having problems" because everyone has some but nothing more. She's been getting advice on lawyers, procedures, etc., from at least one of her separated/divorcing friends (4 of 5 of her local "close" friends are currently divorcing/separated) so I've known that wasn't true.

Just to confirm, threw out three names of our daughter's friend's Moms, including the one she texted, and asked what they knew. "Just that we are "having problems", but not that I've decided to divorce." Asked if anyone knew anything about when we would be telling the girls. "No, no one local knows anything about that, only my Mom and my out-of-state friends." I said okay just wanted to make sure the WE were the ones to tell them, not the gossip-mill.

I know she has been lying to me about so many things over the last couple of years due to her EA, MLC expenditures, and general WAW syndrome but it still floors me when she so blatantly does it with no trace of hesitation.

Detach, detach, detach......

She says she wants to work together using Collaborative Law, which is based on good faith and trust, but I just KNOW she is going to lie to her lawyer about who-knows-what and I am unsure of what exactly to do about it. I sure don't trust a thing that comes out of her mouth these days (other than she is no longer in love with me and wants a divorce) so not sure how I can believe she will negotiate in good faith.

Anyway, she has her initial meeting with her lawyer this week (scheduled it before she found out we were waiting to tell the girls) to discuss how she will pay and everything that will happen (in typical cases). I have to get an appointment with mine as well so I don't get blind-sided.

Man this sucks!