Question

[awest1217]

I agree with you about the flaky fathers, but I am kind of glad since he isn't a good role model that he has taken himself out of the picture. My S is starting to do a lot a church already and loves to sing Jesus songs at home. He is growing spiritually and I don't want H to stop it or deter it by being a bad role model (he won't stop it on purpose because he likes church also).

I don't know about you, but I have a great brother who has been being a good role model to S and I have a few of S's friend's dads (my friends as well) have also been great to spend some time with him. At least he is getting some male influence to help him as he grows.

[awest1217]

So H called after work and I did well. I did not give him any information just said I had a good day and let him talk. I did interrupt a lot, which I need to still work on, but he talked about the book he is reading about codependence and how he is dependent upon "saving" others. I said that is strange because whenever I need "saving" you never come (I later said you don't even come to the rescue when S is sick). He said that is true and is something to explore. Also he said having a hard time defining if doing what is right and responsible is being codependent or not. Like if he does something because it is his responsibility and not because he wants to is that being codependent, ie coming home to take care of his wife and child. I said that I think doing something because you have a responsibility is not being codependent. At work you stay late to finish something not because you want to, but because it is your job. This is the same thing.

Also talked about the "Love, Honor, and Forgive" book. He said he is very interested in it and is excited to read it and DR because it is more about marriages and not just self-help. He liked how easy it is to read. He isn't very far in that so didn't talk long.

At the end of the conversation he said he wanted to go out sometime this week just the two of us. I said I would like that, but I don't know if I would go because I have made some boundaries that I don't want to cross. I said to start being his wife he will have to get rid of OW and no more OW. I also said what he is doing with her is wrong and that I can't trust him at all with anything so I would need him to first start to rebuild my trust.

I felt bad when I got home, but said oh well because it was true, and I said it matter of factly and said I it was my boundaries for me.

Then S comes to me asking to go to "daddy's house" I said not today and he kept asking so I told him we could call daddy. Then he said the worst thing "I don't have a family". I didn't have a chance to explore what he meant because I was already calling H. H answered and I said S has something to ask you. S said "Daddy I go your house". H asked what and S asked a couple more times. H then said how about I come over and take you to the park. S said ok and then I got on the phone. I said I wasn't trying to guilt him (what he always says when I bring S up), but S wanted to call so I said I would. I also told him about what S said and he started to cry. I asked him if he wanted me to drop S off and he said there was nothing to do over there. I said he just wants to spend time with his dad and I would bring over a few toys to play with. He was a little emotional so I said I would let him go and he should call me back in 10 minutes with a decision on what to do. He said good bye to S and I hung up. It is now 3 hours later....no call and S keeps asking when daddy is coming over...

[Lucky11too]

Wow, girl. The fact you made those boundaries with H - so proud of you. I wish I could be as strong!

Oh, that just breaks my heart about S. That happens often with me too, but I'm lucky enough that S is just slightly too young to get it yet, but I know that day is coming, when daddy's going to crush his little heart. How can he not see how lucky he is that he has such a wonderful little boy that wants to see him and spend time with him. He's the one missing out. I wonder what his excuse will be this time? But i don't think telling him how he is crushing his son is guilting him - he should know what kind of impact his actions are having on his S.

[awest1217]

I agree, but I know what would get to him more is if I just don't say anything about it. I am sure at some point he will text me and say he is sorry for being so "irresponsible" and come up with some excuse. I am just going to say "I understand" and move on because he is the one missing out. However, it broke my son's heart. All night he kept looking out the window or when he heard any noises would say "Daddy come over" I would have to say no honey daddy is not coming over. Later S just kept giving me hugs and kisses more than normal.

Oh well...H has one person who still trusts him...S...and if he keeps acting like this soon S won't trust him either. It is H's loss. This just sucks because I have never seen him totally dismiss S like that. Of course it is the first time S was able to call and handle a conversation with H about going to see him, but still, I don't ever want to deal with this again.

My mentors sent me a message on facebook and said I need to stop expecting anything of H. Don't expect anything at all because that will help lift a huge burden from me and then I can focus on S, God, and loving H (without expectations or much contact) until he chooses to do what is right. I don't expect anything from H when it comes to me. I think I would die if he said "I love you" or kissed me, but it is hard to let go of the expectations of being a father, but now I know I have to let those go as well.

If you can't tell it is now 5 hours and still nothing...

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, you know in a way I envy you and then don't envy you at all. Your H is at least thinking about you and the M even if he's doing little to actually make it better.

I emailed my W on some scheduling stuff and she emailed back answering all my questions and then asking for that list of lawyers I mentioned about collaborative divorce and the fact she's checking on rules on her retirement plan.

I still think it's better to do this by email because on the phone it's just really hard for me to keep it together when she starts talking D.

I mean at least he cares. Mine is so set on D it just hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how I so turned her to stone.

Where I don't envy you is his attitude toward your S. I just don't get how he can avoid his own S. There's some deep-seated inadequacy issues there. I hope for your S's sake he gets it together.

[awest1217]

The thing is...He isn't trying. H is the master manipulator and although he says he is trying, he is still pursuing OW and telling her he loves her. Yeah I understand it is at least good that he is reading the books, but he thinks he is playing me for a fool and on top of that to treat our S that way. He is the worst person ever! I would rather he divorce me than play this game. Honestly I would because I have asked him to let me go many times if he wants to pursue OW. He needs to choose and it is driving me nuts that he continually has his cake and eat it too. Again yesterday he said how he has no feelings for me at all, although he wants us to work, but he tells OW he loves her all the time.

Don't envy my sitch, at least if your W is starting to be with OM, she is leaving you before it gets to close. Mine has had OW most of our relationship and I have no hope in him ever stopping and especially ever getting rid of this one. Even if he says he has, he will probably do stuff behind my back. I have no trust or faith in him at all.

Do I still want my marriage to work...yes...but I don't think H realizes how much he has ruined me and how much harder it is going to be to come home this time than last, especially after yesterday.

[ClingingToHope]

I take it that he never called. That is just criminal actually. How do you explain that to a two-year-old? That's a big reason I struggle with not doing everything asked of me when it comes to the two girls.

I know the doormat theory, but I want my girls to know I'm there for them -- no matter what.

You talk a lot about thought stop. How do you do it? I'm trying to remember the "Power of Now" book by Eckhart Tolles. His teaching is you can only live today.

I'm trying to remember this is the only Nov. 3, 2009 that I'll ever get and to make it a good one.

If you think of rescheduling the Shedd trip, let me know. If it's a free weekend for me I'd love to meet you there. I live 90 minutes west of Chicago and have friends in the city. You've been a tremendous help.

I hope the day goes well for you.

[awest1217]

H still has not text, called, nothing...I just can't believe it. It is one thing to leave me hanging, but S. I am surprised to say the least. The best thing is that I am not mad, but the sad thing is that this is what I expect now.

Here is my question. I have some bills that H needs to pay. We had to cancel his line with our old cell phone company which is $200 so we could change to the new one like he wanted. I need to give him that bill. Plus car registration needs to be taken care of next week, and finally our new cell phone bill is double our old one so he needs to give me half of that. On top of everything, I would like some type of support check. I was going to drop all that stuff off today, but now I am thinking I will wait until tomorrow to see if he calls so that he doesn't think it is just me being mean. What do those out there think?

I am going to have to give it to him today or tomorrow because the old cell phone bill is due the 17th, but he doesn't get paid until the 13th, but I want him to know it is coming. I have written a nice note saying what is due and thank you for paying what he has. I don't want money to become an issue, but I can't live like I did this summer, without anything, because I can't afford it.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((awest)))))

I think I would wait until tomorrow. If nothing else it will give you that much longer to cool off. While he would deserve anything you said to him, it might be better not to!

[ClingingToHope]

On top of everything, I would like some type of support check. I was going to drop all that stuff off today, but now I am thinking I will wait until tomorrow to see if he calls so that he doesn't think it is just me being mean. What do those out there think?

In my initial discussion with a L, he said if my W filed they could file some temporary support schedule to kind of make official the agreements we've already reached. That's why I have to decide if I want to keep giving her the amount I have been or lower it a little.

I would call your L and fill him/her in on the situation. You may be forced to do something officially to force him to chip in.

I've been told by others that once the WAS actually sees what a D is going to cost, it wakes them up a bit.

If he hasn't volunteered to help I don't see why he's going to now.