Not wanting to be on this boat........

[Buffet]

I do not feel like I have been doing a great DB job, but definately appreciate the support! I am struggling with trying to not say anything dramatic...W is such a roller coaster back and forth from nice and open to crazy angry nasty things coming out of her mouth. It is hard to keep believing that this is someone that I would want to spend the rest of MY life with.
Yesterday We took S2 to go over to my Mom's for trick or treating and my brother and his fiancee were there. (Makes it more tough right now as they are planning their wedding in 3 weeks!) And brother was telling everyone that his best friend had left his wife back in September and how he was disgusted by that. My W quickly jumps in how horrible that is and she always thought they were the "perfect" couple blah blah blah...
My mom and I just looked at her like &@!$^!@^!!!! My brother knows that we are having issues just not how serious they are.
How can she sit and talk about how important marriage is and how she is shocked blah blah blah, and than be doing this crap? This kind of thing makes me angry beyond belief.
I have heard others on here with similar feelings I go from sad, to determined to make it work, to angry with her, to depressed, and than back again. I really need to work on me and get past this ability that she has to alter my thoughts so much...

[ShockedOne]

What you are describing that you need to do is the detachment. That will take some time, but until you can reach that point, you will have some of the roller coaster of emotions.

And another note, you must remember that you can not believe anything that a cheater or WAS says. She is going to continue presenting herself to people as the perfect spouse to society until it is convenient to do so otherwise. She will want to have people believe that you are the cause of the problems and the reason she needed to leave. Unfortunately, you better get used to it.

You need to remember that DB'ing is not a sprint race, it is a marathon. Pace yourself, it is going to be a long ride. In the meantime, you must remember that you need to GAL for yourself, and keep up your PMA!

[Buffet]

had our 2nd joint MC session last night.....
W says things in the MC session that are so completely out of left field both good and bad. Her bad things are all over the board about why she feels the way that she does, her good things seem to be a front so that the counselor feels that she is trying---might be a bad thing but I called her on a couple of things and she totally blew them off--during the session she claims that she is "all in and trying to work back to a loving marital relationship" However, at home she has actually said the complete opposite and that the best I could hope for from her is a co-habitation with no love for the next 20 years until our son is an adult??!!!
So I guess more confusion/hurt from me in that what do you believe what do you not believe? Also, what is my next step? I really cannot see going thru the next month much less months or even years like this. I feel truly de-valued as a person and feel no love from her at all. At this point she is meeting none of my needs, actually b/c of her actions it is creating more needs on my part. That is not a healthy way to live and that being said somedays I wonder if it would not be better to just move on and try to start over without her (than I see my son and I cannot do it not just yet at least) AGHH!!! I hate this limboland, roller coaster whatever you want to call it.

[Buffet]

I am re-reading the last post and will 2x4 myslef, I need to work on not letting her effect what I feel and work on making me feel good for me.
However, I swing the 2x4 back b/c what if what i feel is missing is companionship and feeling loved?

[TrentC]

I am re-reading the last post and will 2x4 myslef, I need to work on not letting her effect what I feel and work on making me feel good for me.
However, I swing the 2x4 back b/c what if what i feel is missing is companionship and feeling loved?

There will come a time for working on that; once your wife has decided to work on the R with you, you can begin to heal those wounds. But this process isn't about repairing your relationship; it's about changing course away from ending it.

Making any kind of demands for emotional support at a time when she is apparently completely conflicted about the R (or trying to string the MC along) is not going to get you anywhere.

In fact, I would bring up the fact that she is telling you the exact opposite of what she's telling the MC. Your MC should be familiar with such tactics, and can challenge her on it.

[Buffet]

A question? During the last MC session the counselor assigned a "homework" task that we were intentionally supposed to say to each other 1 time a day "I Love it when..." to the other. She asked for each of our commitment to do that and we both agreed. Now here we are 4 days later and guess who has not done this even one time??
Do I call her out on this now, at the next MC session, at all?
Also, is MC even worth it if W is not willing/able to try? I have heard (or at least my interpretation!) different thoughts on this on the boards----do I consider it a victory that she is at the MC or do I call BS if she is not willing to actually do the work at the MC?

[ShockedOne]

Do not bring up the "assignment". It will come across as pushy, pursuant, and everything you don't want it to be. It will most likely cause an argument or fight. At the next MC appt., your counselor will most likely ask about it and at that point, you can just be honest about it. MC is definitely worth it, if not for your M, then for yourself. If your W is not in it, to work on things, than maybe you would be better off just doing IC sessions though. The fact that she even could be a sign that she may be willing to do some work.

[Buffet]

It has been a long time since I have posted. I wish i would be back with a happier update. I have been weekly to what was at first our MC counselor but has turned into my IC as the W refuses to go and says that everything is over. She is "done" "numb" "Broken" and other things along those lines.
I have been doing some GAL activities (not as much as needed but still a start) and it was working well, as every time i would go somewhere I would all of a sudden get calls, texts, conversations from W. She would at times beg me to come home and that it did not have to be that way, blah blah blah. My error was that it would delve into a R talk and than she would get cold again.
I decided 2 weeks ago to lay some boundaries and told her that I loved her and would prefer to work on the M. In order to do that though I needed A,B,C....
She than said that she could not do that and she did not love me, etc... So I said that I would need to look into my options and was not interested in pursuing a relationship with no love, no physical relations, or no commitment to working things out.
She than went and got an attorney and has started the legal process. I am not going to lie, i thought that I could handle that as at least it would be movement in some direction but it is hurting pretty bad. I never even with all of these things going on thought that she would make this choice I have always still believed that one day she would come to her senses and wake up.
Now though it is really to late. We spent thanksgiving apart and she told her family and is not wearing her ring anymore. The thought of the rest of my life alone and my poor son being passed back and forth like a sack of groceries is making me literally sick to my stomach. I feel alone, scared, abandoned, and discarded.
To top it all off, my W saw me breakdown while in the bathroom to take a shower and told me that she was doing this for me (what a bunch of s***) and that it was not fair for me if she stayed and did not love me. But if I wanted she and I could stay "married" but not have a husband/wife relationship that that part is over and would never come back.
Not sure what feedback anyone would have, my W does not love me and thinks that I am some kinda horrible person that she could never love again and would never be happy with. As much as I am hurt I do not deserve to live life with someone that will not love me back ever again, I just don;t know what to do

[Buffet]

well today is going to be a bad day, she is going to file today and is full speed ahead on the D now. She has threatened me, told me to leave the house or she would call the police and accuse me of abuse, screamed and yelled like a crazy person in front of our son.
Also I have found out that the OM has filed for D from his W to be final on Friday and it is being handled by the same attorney that W is using.
To add to all of that both of her sisters are leaving/breaking up with their boyfriends and are planning on moving into my house once I am gone and they have this master plan to raise my son on their own?!!?!!?
I don't know what to say anymore I am a strong person but this has gotten to be too much. I feel broken.

[TrentC]

well today is going to be a bad day, she is going to file today and is full speed ahead on the D now. She has threatened me, told me to leave the house or she would call the police and accuse me of abuse, screamed and yelled like a crazy person in front of our son.

Document this stuff; it'll come in handy when custody issues come up.

Also I have found out that the OM has filed for D from his W to be final on Friday and it is being handled by the same attorney that W is using.

Charming.

One thing to keep in mind is that rebound relationships -- especially relationships that begin out of infidelity -- rarely work out. They may have this master plan to be together, but having a real relationship is a lot different than sneaking around in an affair. (This doesn't necessarily mean that she will come back to you, but if she wants to you need to have a plan if you want to take her back...)

To add to all of that both of her sisters are leaving/breaking up with their boyfriends and are planning on moving into my house once I am gone and they have this master plan to raise my son on their own?!!?!!?

That won't last long; it sounds like they're all in a fog.

Your best bet is to fight for custody of your kid, which brings us back to documenting and recording all of the venom she is spewing at you -- especially the parts where she announces that she is going to lie to the police about abuse.

I don't know what to say anymore I am a strong person but this has gotten to be too much. I feel broken.

You're not broken; your wife is, and she's sweeping everyone else up in the storm that she has turned her life into.

Be strong for your kid. He is going to need it.