Help... I need to stop reacting!

[Steve McQueen]

just when I think I've made some progress, I feel like it goes backwards. It is almost like H has some kind of radar that tells him "oh no, she is getting too confident, she is doing too well... you better really *%#^ something up now so you can maintain the upper hand!" aargh!

It is not radar. It is the way of creating a scenerio in his mind to justify his affair. RockedWorld is a Biatch, she argues, shes defensive, shes always upset : I am going to see the OW. This dinner socks, why did you make this you know I hate it, why are you fighting with me : I am going to see the OW. You didnt fold the towels right, I am going out for a bit to cool off : I am going to see the OW.

Put it in your head right now that this is most likely NOT an inapprorpriate friendship (read EA) but rather something seriously physical (read sexual). Reasons have been thrown at you over and over in this thread. My take, your husband found himself a weak, young, niave, immature, druggie or boozer of a girl and he is a stong mature father figure who is equally horney for something forbidden. The attraction is addictive.

When I hear Puppy and others on this forum talk about appoaching this like a game...that is so foreign to me. I guess you have to be pretty detached to do that. That would truly be a 180 for me! I work in a human service field and have always helped at church etc. I guess I have always approached my marriage in much the same way: give, give, give.

If you look at this as it is merely a game called love. then maybe it wont be so foreign to you. and I dont think you need to be detached to play. In fact your phrase, "give, give, give" sums it up; Give something to yourself : a little self respect, a bit of confidence, some decisiveness.

I am finding it so hard to develop a new mindset. I'm not sure how to get there.

Ok, I hope you see where I am going here. You do need to devlop a new mindset and a strategy to deal with this effectively! You say you had a "bomb" dropped on you 6 months ago. So that most likely means this was going on long before that, and to put it bluntly, it was 6 months ago he realized the sex was that good, i need to let her know and phase her out. Or he decided to play a game with both of you.

Now, I am a firm believer that when you find out about an affair to file for divorce immediately. It kinda underminds the mission of this site, but I believe it keeps the betrayed from hanging on to a hope they make up in their mind and puts all the requirement to change immediately on the betrayer. Quit it and fix yourself or I am gone.

But, you have knowingly allowed this to continue and your husband has taken advantage of it. Giving you hope at times and meanness at others. You wrote recently, "My H has not yet decided he can commit to the M, so I have no leverage to ask those kinds of things... yet. I am still holding out hope that he will wake up at some point too." You know you can hold out for 2 years and in the end only feel like carp about yourself or maybe hold out for 6 months then find a love letter describing all the dirty things they have done to eachother. OUCHY. There is a reason why they tie your hands behind your back when they hang you, its so you dont hold on to the rope. DB cliche, drop the rope.

If your husband refuses to commit to you why do you have to be committed to him. What would be the one thing that would scare the carp of out him right now? answer: rockedworld has a boyfriend too. Oh man. my fantasy just ended, my wife is leaving me. I played with her head too long now someone is playing with her.... you dont necessarily need to be fondled, but with his cheaters mentality that will be exactly what goes through his mind. You will have all the leverage you need when he realizes you dont need him.

But most of all give yourself something; the knowing that not all men treat their woman the way yours is treating you.