Ekie, You are correct, things have shifted. I don't want my old wife back. Her actions and behavior are totally unacceptable, however, if and only if she showed actions that were positive based on behavior that meant to heal and better our relationship, I would not be totally adverse to reconcilliation. This has not happened though and to be perfectly frank, I don't think this will happen. So, the real question is how much longer will this go on? And the answer is, as long as I allow it to.
Pretty obvious that you can get her back following Gucci, Puppy’s, and others advice (with a bit more attention to detail). Thing is what are you going to get, like you said you don’t want your old wife back. You can attract here back, but you can not change her. However, you can encourage her to change.
Got an email from the wife today and a phone call. Phone call was short. She called me at work and asked if we were going to work this out. My response was, you told me this was over and I have to go. Bye.
You did well, and what she is trying is not working. WAW needs a new strategy; she actually needs to wake up. What will come first, her waking up or you moving on? That is my Capt Obvious statement of the day.
Thanks for the clarification AFWAW. Seems some things I observed are there, just not as important as I thought they were, and Puppy as usual is like a focused laser. Would give Puppy some whistles, but have never figured out how to do that.
is ": whistle :" without the spaces.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Ekie, You are correct, things have shifted. I don't want my old wife back. Her actions and behavior are totally unacceptable, however, if and only if she showed actions that were positive based on behavior that meant to heal and better our relationship, I would not be totally adverse to reconcilliation. This has not happened though and to be perfectly frank, I don't think this will happen. So, the real question is how much longer will this go on? And the answer is, as long as I allow it to.
Pretty obvious that you can get her back following Gucci, Puppy’s, and others advice (with a bit more attention to detail). Thing is what are you going to get, like you said you don’t want your old wife back. You can attract here back, but you can not change her. However, you can encourage her to change.
I could get her back very easily at this point. All I have to do is bow down to her wishes and take this OW off FB. Never mind her behavior, as it would remain the same.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Got an email from the wife today and a phone call. Phone call was short. She called me at work and asked if we were going to work this out. My response was, you told me this was over and I have to go. Bye.
You did well, and what she is trying is not working. WAW needs a new strategy; she actually needs to wake up. What will come first, her waking up or you moving on? That is my Capt Obvious statement of the day.
Don't know if I did well or not. Since then she has not initiated any contact at all. I don't necessarily want her to if it's going to be more of the same but I'd like to think that I'm worth her putting the effort forward. I was reading one of Smiley Person's post a few days ago and it struck me that I am in a very similar boat in that I was dying for my wife to want to come home and then I got to a point where I could have her back but am angry as he is about the fact that I feel like I'm being used as a fallback or a second. So, essentially the divorce has been stopped and I could have my wife back if I desired.
Funny, somedays, I am on top of the world and just have a great time--I call these my gucci days--life is a party. Other days, I catch myself feeling lonely and wonder what it would be like if the wife were to come home and how our life would play out--thankfully, these days are happening less and less. At this point, I don't see the wife putting in the effort to change things, so I predict we will be officially divorced by the end of the year unless something drastic happens. Meanwhile, I will not contact her and if she attempts to contact me, I will stiff arm relationship talks as much as possible.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Well let's see since I last updated I drove to my SS's wedding and the wife went as well in seperate cars of course. She asked if she could stay in the hotel room with me and my daughter. I told her sure as long as it was in bed with my daughter. She tried to flirt with me in the room and hinted that she wanted to sleep in the same bed as me. No dice. Fast forward to today. We went out on a date. Part of my stipulation to her wanting to come home--we date and she signs up for and completes 12 sessions of counseling. She has not signed up for counseling and said she will not until I "friend" her on FB and that she doesn't need to go to counseling. Yeah, good luck with that. Weird how someone who wants to come home and screwed up as bad as she did is stipulating how things should go.
Our "date" was a bit awkward. The place we orginally were going to go to was crowded so I suggested somewhere else and she didn't like that. I suggested two other places and she didn't like them either. I said, fine, just drop me at home and you can go where you want or you can quit pretending I can read you mind and tell me where you want to eat. She said, I don't care. So I went to another place and of course she started bitching. Perfect start, right? She said that she was really hungry and grouchy--really, really? I couldn't tell. It got a little better after she started eating and she talked a lot about work and how she was getting asked out, etc. Fast forward a bit to coffee at starbucks.
She says, I really want to come home but I'm tired of waiting and the payoff doesn't seem worth it. I'm thinking, hmmmm, wow, I guess spending the rest of your life with me doesn't seem appealing? And you don't want to see your daughter grow up? Ok, whatever. She contradicted herself when one minute she was saying that she doesn't do anything but work, eat, and sleep and the next minute she was saying that she's really social going out a lot. She told me she didn't have any money either. Then she told me she wasn't going to wait much longer if I didn't let her come home and that she didn't want to hear it later when she started dating and I couldn't say I wanted her back then. I didn't say anything, just listened.
So, it still seems to be about her. All I heard tonight was bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Not a lot of positives. On the way home as she dropped me off she did apologize for being grouchy at the beginning of the date and that she enjoyed herself. Ok, I didn't really get that---it didn't appear to me that she enjoyed herself. She also mentioned that she wanted someone who was going to cherish her and that she got a lot of attention now(I suspect that she was hinting to me that she wanted a lot of attention from me). I just listened and acted like nothing bothered me.
So, out of this her actions and attitude seem to contradict each other. Additionally, it seems like while she want to come home, she thinks she can dictate how she is going to come home. Weird, if I was in the situation, she wouldn't entertain any demands from me, I'm quite sure.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
AF - You sound good. You have really started defining boundaries and are more importantly sticking to them. Unfortunately, I think you are starting to realize what an immature, selfish person you were/are married to. This is understandable since you have been doing "work" on yourself and she has been standing still.
Well, I had some drama yesterday. The wife emailed me at work asking if I needed her to pick up my daughter. She also gave me the info on a cruise she's taking my daughter on this next week and that when the cruise was over, she was going to drop her back off for 3 days and then take her for another 4 days. She also said that she anticipates spending each weekend with her unless we come up with some other arrangement and that my daughter will be spending every other weekend with her from Friday evening through Monday morning. She said, my daughter doesn't have to come over every weekend, but that she'd like to spend time with her during the day at least once per weekend.
I emailed her back and said the following:
If you could pick her up I would appreciate it. I got it about the cruise. I don't know why you think you're going to take her for a week, drop her off for 4 days and then get her for 3 days after that--I don't see that happening. That's fine that you want to get her every other weekend but when I have her for the weekend she will be spending time with me. I don't have any questions but don't expect that you're going to be directive with me and get your way just because you say so.
Her response was the following:
I am simply notifying you of my intentions so you're aware. You've had her for months solid so I don't particularly care if you don't like the visitation situation. It can be addressed in court if you so choose.
And then she made a major foul by calling my work. She talked with my boss and got pissy with him because I wasn't available and she didn't know what time to pick up her child. She threatened to call the first sergeant and so on. My boss came and pulled me out of a meeting and I called her.
I asked her what was so important that she bother me at work. She started yelling about she didn't know what time to pick my daughter up. I tried to tell her to call the school and/or a good time to show up but she kept trying to talk over me. So, I hung up the phone, counted to 30 and called back. She answered and I said, now, that's what's going to happen everytime you try to talk over me and told her what time to pick up my daughter.
Fast forward to later. I called her when I got home to make sure she picked up my daughter and she asked if we could talk. I told her sure. We talked and I basically blasted her for calling my work and stirring up stuff that didn't matter but that was not good for my work. She started to get defensive and ask me why I was talking like this and why I was reacting this way and why her daughter was acting the way she was. So, I spelled it for her and told her in a nutshell that the reason that things were the way they were was because she left and that she needed to go and get counseling and that she needed to be nicer to our daughter and that she was a selfish, selfish person and I hung up.
So, I go to get my daughter and she says Mommy asked if you hate her? I said, no I don't hate her. She said, well Mommy said you yelled at her. I told her that I was upset with her that was all.
So, I go drop my daughter off and tell her good night and the wife asks if I want to come in. I politely declined and tried to leave but she talked to me outside and asked why she couldn't come home. I told her that I thought that it was over and that I didn't want to be with a woman that didn't love and respect me. She said that she did and started to cry. I shook my head and said that she didn't show it through her actions and that I've had enough drama for today and that I was going home and going to bed.
Ugh, even though it's been a while, that was tough and it affected my mood today.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Nice job. You are handling yourself very well. From the very beginning I had said it was obvious that your WAW didnt respect you. Which is the case for most of us on here. Now that you have been setting boundaries she is respecting you again. Unfortunately it goes both ways. You dont respect her right now either. She will have to WORK at gaining back your respect and trust. Hopefully, like you, she will be strong enough to do the much needed work on herself.
is ": whistle :" without the spaces. 