Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thinking a bit about the Stockdale Paradox:

"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."


...that I will prevail in the end: Realizing that prevail does not necessarily mean "reconcile". Prevail means that I will be happy and successful and loved no matter what the outcome is.

...confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be. The brutal facts are:

• My w does not love me, and does not want to try to do so. I can not make her try.
• If she felt she could, she would leave, but for whatever reason (because of the kids?), she does not feel she can. This is the only reason she is not leaving.
• I have seen lots of confusion, sadness, and ambivalence in my w's emotions, but she has not given any clear signals that she is or might be willing to reconcile or work on the M. Her words and actions state the opposite. I can only accept that she is firm in her desire to remain outside of the M.
• My w's feelings do not reflect on me. They are hers. They are not inherently wrong are bad. But they ARE. I can't change them. I can't deny them. I have to accept them as they exist.
• I am not happy in the m as it is, and was not happy in the marriage as it was pre-bomb. In neither case was the R healthy. For my own mental health, I need to move forward.
• A D will be unpleasant and emotional. It will likely be irrational and confrontational and unpleasant.
• Post D, I will have restrictions on my life that I have not had to date. In order to stay with my kids, I will be tied to a specific geographic area. Alimony will likely place restrictions on my career choices.

But...

I will prevail in the end.

• I am better prepared for a new R than was in the past.
• The thought of having every other weekend completely free of parental and spousal responsibilities - for road trips, ski trips, camping, etc - is actually quite a pleasant thought.
• The thought of meeting and dating new women is actually pretty exciting.
• The thought of being able to include those women on those weekend vacations is even more interesting...
• I know I can still be a great dad to my boys. In fact, after having some time to focus on myself, I'll probably be even better with them than I am now.

and of course...

• I am still open to the possibility (not probability) that my w opens up to me again during the process.