BillM's new thread

[The Wifey]

Reactive behaviour does not work. It helps the spouse to win. I packed my H's stuff and literally threw it out the door when he moved in to his temporary rental with a work colleague. I really acted out as the bitch from hell that he wanted me to be - it gave him the excuse he needed for leaving - it made it all so much easier for him and he told me afterwards that it was my REACTIVE behaviour which empowered him and made him feel far less guilty than he did when I was sitting, crying or being totally silent. Please don't power your Ws behaviour in this way.

That's why he needs to be pro-active,
he can't just confront her and say "hey I know you're cheating, what's up with that", he needs to follow through with that with an action that shows he's moving forward with his life without her, he becomes the WAS, the dynamic shifts, he no longer feels or exhibits feeling the fear of loss, this is shifted on to her, she is losing him now because he is making the decision to move on without her. That's the switch, he's not just being reactive, he is being proactive, he is making a decision and acting on it, he is taking control of his life and of this relationship where for so long, he hasn't had any control.

Crisis, fear of loss, moving on, this is what generates action on the part of the LBS. Since you know this, use this fact, turn things around, let go of the LBS role, become the WAS, take back the power in your relationship - you're no longer pursuing, you're leaving. You're no longer pulling them in, you're pushing them away and the opposite will happen - they will pursue, they will react, they will be thrown off balance because all along the decision making & power in this relationship was owned by the WAS not the LBS.

AHA moment, so this was it all along. If he is really done, then why throw down the crisis gauntlet in the first place?

He needed to do what you advised for HIM, not to elicit a crisis for his W. That train already left the station.