Emotional past couple days obviously. W and I texted back and forth quite a bit yesterday and she called me a few times. Her emotions are also all over the place.
She was saying things like: "I want to do whatever it takes to make it better for you" and "Just tell me what I need to do". I mentioned I had some ideas and had been reading a couple books and she said maybe we could go through some of it together. She also texted me after the morning "You showed me the love and compassion I have been waiting for...You made me realize what we could have" and "We both have doubts and are hurt for different reasons". When I came home last night it was a little awkward and I could tell that her mind was racing too. During the day she seemed very on board and then had some doubts again about her feelings and her ability to open back up to me. I think she sees that I'm changing but is "still waiting for the other shoe to drop" as she says where I revert back. We laid in bed and talked alot which I think actually brings out more doubt and then I sort of stopped talking and we just laid there. I ended up sleeping in the same bed with her. It was awkward a little but felt good at the same time just to be near her.
This morning I got up and got all ready to run and started off down the street and next thing I know I turned around and got back into bed with her. We snuggled a little bit. D2 woke up early and I got up with her so W could sleep a little more. D2 and I hung out for an hour or so and were playing and she was so cute and hugging and kissing me. I'm not usually home in the morning that much. Then W got up and caught me crying in the kitchen and was hugging me and asking me if I wanted to talk and I just said I didn't want to cry in front of her and started to walk away and stop myself but she said that she doesn't care and it lets her know that I have emotions because she was starting to wonder for awhile. I said that I was just having a hard time and we have alot to get through and that I'm not only hurt by what you did (that is actually the least of my pain from what I can sense right now, but it might be buried in there somewhere). I said that it is just tough to finally wake up and come to realizations over the past month and this morning that I've been missing out on the most important things in my life. I've spent all this time the past few years doing things that seemed important like getting ahead at work and hitting my workouts every morning religiously but just spending the morning with my family, while seemingly such a small and simple thing, I've taken for granted and it just hit me hard. She was hugging me and telling me that I should focus on the all the years ahead of me that I can spend doing those things. She also was saying she was sorry and that she never really wanted to hurt me the way she did. I stopped the deep talks and was getting ready and helping out with some of the morning routine a little. We saw eachother off and kissed each other goodbye a couple times. On my drive in she texted "Thank you for spending the morning with us..." and I replied "There is no other way I would have wanted to spend it." and she said "thank you, that means alot". I said thanks and to feel free to give me a call or shoot me a text during the day. I had also told her I'd relieve her tonight and pick up D2 from the sitter so she can come straight home after work, which is something I know she appreciates.
She's on the seesaw right now. One minute I can see in her eyes what once was and the other I can see the withdrawal. Last night we went in between the stages a couple times and her saying things like she feels like there is so much she doesn't know about me and also how I seem like a good roomate (ouch, but truth). Then I see the side where she wants to make it work as well.
We have our first counseling session tomorrow night and we are both a little scared about it. For the same reasons I think, that it won't work and will make us resent eachother even more. We also both realize it is the only hope we have.
Positives on my end are that I have more of an audience now than I did 2 or 3 weeks ago. Negatives are that I am still so far down the rabbit hole that we've let go between us that we both fear that we won't be able to get out.
Any advice from anyone appreciated.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
