W wants to separate

[notagoodlistener]

Oh, I'm dumb for not adding this. It just popped into my head. Before I left last night to go out she was talking to her friend and setting up a dinner date with her and her fiance. Talked to me after and I wasn't super gung ho about going and she was asking if she should just go with her and not have her fiance come along. I said no, I'd like to go. I just don't really like that guy, but I guess I need to play along. At least she's inviting me to dinner....

So Steve, that sets the "I'm acting funny" mood for the night.

[Steve McQueen]

No babysitter. We'll probably do an early dinner or something before she goes and I'll hang out. I'll let her do her thing without me there and wish her luck.

But she shaved .... ????

I'm acting distant I think because I'm conflicted/confused with how much space I should give her. I also think that I'm a little hung up on the EA I suspected her of having and that definitely has shown through. I need to work on that. I feel like we are both giving eachother mixed signals so it makes it hard to read.

She is not directing you as to how much space she needs?
I'd let the EA concern go until something pops up. I think you got DB'ed and it worked. and I think she is giving you the appropriate signals but you respond with distance and confusing behavior and she gets frustrated. sexual frustration perhaps.

She's so stubborn and will generally never admit to being wrong about anything.

yep.

I just have an uneasy feeling around her now. Like I don't know how to act and I don't want to pursue her affection and get shot down I guess. She said I have these short answers and I don't seem like I want to talk to her so she doesn't get it...I guess I am just having a hard time figuring out what she really needs/wants me to do.

just out of curosity how long have things been crummy, 4 and a half years, two years, 1, a couple months? How to act? how about a total 180 on all the behaviors she tells you is bothering her? you are very lucky she is willing to give this a shot. not alot of people here are in the same boat as you. She wants someone to listen to her, compliment her, flirt with her, dont we all?

[notagoodlistener]

Alright. Logging on iPhone while on the train so forgive errors.

Fast forward through the weekend. We spent time together Saturday and sunday with d2. Went trick or treating and all that. Did some stuff together yesterday and she made ne a nice dinner last night. I went to bed early because I was beat and work is going to be brutal today.

Then, before I go for my morning run I check the keylogger. Busted her in some dirty IMing and plans to meet up with suspected guy. Well I didn't keep my cool. I went in her room (4:30am at this point so she's asleep). WTF?! I knew it...blah blah. Her getting defensive wanting to talk to me. I had to walk away and next thing I know I punched a few holes in the walls then proceeded to get my clothes on and she was panicking asking me why I was doing and that she needed to talk to me. At first she was probing what I saw exactly and I said I saw some old FB IMs on the screen about her making plans. Then once she knew I saw it all she caved. I was so mad. So betrayed but after the initial rush and her spilling her guts, I feel better now than I have I'm weeks. Is that Fd up or what? She opened up and admitted the night she went out and was with him once and how besides that it was texting and IMing. He's in a bad relationship and she felt like he understood her. Script stuff. She said how she really doesn't even want him but she just needed somebody bah blah. I know from the IMs that he didn't make her orgasm...not that it really matters but whatever. He was IMing that he needed another shot at it and all that.

Anyway, I didn't cry at all. It was different than before. I was the strongan for whatever reason at this point (after destroying the wall in my house and my hand gushing blood everywhere of course. Never would lay my hands on her. I'm a real man and don't F around like that). I was going to go for the run still to clear my head. She wanted to hold me and talk to me. I stayed. We layed in bed. She felt like the biggest POS as well she should have. I just said that marriage means something to me and regardless of how she felt about me not being there for her that I would walk through fire and do anything for her. She cried a little and said that for the first time ever that me saying that under these circumstances that she believed me and now she felt even worse. Talked about how I didn't deserve for this to happen to me. We talked about some of our issues for awhile. Kissed briefly (stupid). Now that I know she won't see him again and promised me that nothing like that would ever happen again. I said that ieasbt sure I could trust her and needed time to think but that it's going to take alot of work for me to trust her abd for this to work. She asked if I had confirmed the MC session Wednesday. I said no but she wanted to know if I would still go with her. I said I would. It was starting to turn towards her pursuing me more and me being the shot caller. Weird. She repeated how stupid, careless, irresponsible it was and all that. D2 got up and I had to go to work. I kissed d2 and hugged her and sat with her for a few minutes while W was on the other side of the couch obviously staring at us and then saying again how sorry she was. I said I had to go and just left (after sweeping up a ton of Sheetrock...).

Then she calls me while I'm driving saying how d2 was sitting at the front window yelling "daddy where are you" because when i went to the store yesterday they waited for me to come back in the window. Then I hear her in the background going "oh daddy work". She is so damn cute. She's only 20 months old and getting smarter every day. Anyway, I realized it was an excuse to call me. She said how she doesn't like how I left and asked if she thinks we can work through this. I said crazier things have been dine and people go through alot of tuff times. I said it's going to take alot for us to regain openess together and for me to trust her again because right now I don't. She again said how sorry she was and how she never would have thought that she would ever do something like that. She basically feels dirty. Now that the excitement was gone of the secret texts and all that ....standard stuff you read around here.

She asked if I wanted to stay married to her (oh guess who just called again as I type. I'll have to check that voicemail later) and I said I had to go and I'd call her back in a few minutes. So I called her back after making her sit on it and she repeated her question and I said I wanted to be honest with her and as of right this second I did want to stay married, but that I fully expect to be on an emotional rollercoaster as this settles in and that could change. I said , how about you. She said she did and I asked if it was different than a month ago (which is when this happened with OM). She said this past month as we've been in separate rooms and me trying,although awkward at times, she can say yes she does and more than before. Is this what takes?! Anyway, so much typining in phone. I'm going to listen to the message now and update if it's worth it. Work is going to interesting today. Such a busy day.

Initial feelings are that I sense a control shift this morning now that it's all out there and strangely enough I feel better than I have in a month.

Thoughts welcome. Thanks for listening.

[Steve McQueen]

WoW. that blows.

do you think if you would have taken her this weekend that the dirty IM'ing would not have taken place?
or that maybe its better you didnt and now you know the truth?

some advice, that someone gave me when I was in a situation similiar to yours :

SELF CONTROL

[TrentC]

Then, before I go for my morning run I check the keylogger. Busted her in some dirty IMing and plans to meet up with suspected guy. Well I didn't keep my cool. I went in her room (4:30am at this point so she's asleep). WTF?! I knew it...blah blah. Her getting defensive wanting to talk to me. I had to walk away and next thing I know I punched a few holes in the walls then proceeded to get my clothes on and she was panicking asking me why I was doing and that she needed to talk to me. At first she was probing what I saw exactly and I said I saw some old FB IMs on the screen about her making plans. Then once she knew I saw it all she caved. I was so mad. So betrayed but after the initial rush and her spilling her guts, I feel better now than I have I'm weeks.

Anyway, I didn't cry at all. It was different than before. I was the strongan for whatever reason at this point (after destroying the wall in my house and my hand gushing blood everywhere of course. Never would lay my hands on her. I'm a real man and don't F around like that).

Regardless of whether or not you would "lay hands on her", these should be a big blinking light that you have anger issues which need to be dealt with. You don't have to hit your wife to make her fearful of, and resent, you.

You need to work on yourself, first and foremost; you're not going to help your relationship if you react like this. "Real men" don't take their frustration out on themselves (and their house), either.

I suspect it wouldn't take much to push you over the edge. What if you came home and found her in bed with the OM? You can say "I didn't mean to" all you want, but you are a ticking time bomb.

[notagoodlistener]

Ya Trent, I know. She's not scared of me. I used to fight alot when I was younger and haven't done anything like that in over 7 years. She used to be with another guy before me that was crazy and makes me look like passifist. Actually, she told me that today was the first time that she felt like I really loved her because I was stayed with her and talked after all that. Don't over read the situation. I'm a guy that just found out my wife banged some other dude.

To update now that I'm at work. She called me and left a message. I talked to her and she said that she really loved me (first time I've heard that in awhile). Texted me a couple times saying that today might have been the first time she really saw how much I lover her and that she can't take it back but "can only prove to [me] that it will never happen again" "just tell me what I need to do".

Steve, I like knowing better than guessing. I actually feel alot better now than I did before I knew. Even though I'm angry and frustrated, I feel like I know more and am not guessing about what's going on.

So, I need to re-evaluate how to move forward here.

Next steps on my end to be determined.

[Steve McQueen]

good luck sir.
I will keep reading.
there are other excellent people here that can listen and guide you through piecing your marriage together.

[notagoodlistener]

Updating.

Emotional past couple days obviously. W and I texted back and forth quite a bit yesterday and she called me a few times. Her emotions are also all over the place.

She was saying things like: "I want to do whatever it takes to make it better for you" and "Just tell me what I need to do". I mentioned I had some ideas and had been reading a couple books and she said maybe we could go through some of it together. She also texted me after the morning "You showed me the love and compassion I have been waiting for...You made me realize what we could have" and "We both have doubts and are hurt for different reasons". When I came home last night it was a little awkward and I could tell that her mind was racing too. During the day she seemed very on board and then had some doubts again about her feelings and her ability to open back up to me. I think she sees that I'm changing but is "still waiting for the other shoe to drop" as she says where I revert back. We laid in bed and talked alot which I think actually brings out more doubt and then I sort of stopped talking and we just laid there. I ended up sleeping in the same bed with her. It was awkward a little but felt good at the same time just to be near her.

This morning I got up and got all ready to run and started off down the street and next thing I know I turned around and got back into bed with her. We snuggled a little bit. D2 woke up early and I got up with her so W could sleep a little more. D2 and I hung out for an hour or so and were playing and she was so cute and hugging and kissing me. I'm not usually home in the morning that much. Then W got up and caught me crying in the kitchen and was hugging me and asking me if I wanted to talk and I just said I didn't want to cry in front of her and started to walk away and stop myself but she said that she doesn't care and it lets her know that I have emotions because she was starting to wonder for awhile. I said that I was just having a hard time and we have alot to get through and that I'm not only hurt by what you did (that is actually the least of my pain from what I can sense right now, but it might be buried in there somewhere). I said that it is just tough to finally wake up and come to realizations over the past month and this morning that I've been missing out on the most important things in my life. I've spent all this time the past few years doing things that seemed important like getting ahead at work and hitting my workouts every morning religiously but just spending the morning with my family, while seemingly such a small and simple thing, I've taken for granted and it just hit me hard. She was hugging me and telling me that I should focus on the all the years ahead of me that I can spend doing those things. She also was saying she was sorry and that she never really wanted to hurt me the way she did. I stopped the deep talks and was getting ready and helping out with some of the morning routine a little. We saw eachother off and kissed each other goodbye a couple times. On my drive in she texted "Thank you for spending the morning with us..." and I replied "There is no other way I would have wanted to spend it." and she said "thank you, that means alot". I said thanks and to feel free to give me a call or shoot me a text during the day. I had also told her I'd relieve her tonight and pick up D2 from the sitter so she can come straight home after work, which is something I know she appreciates.

She's on the seesaw right now. One minute I can see in her eyes what once was and the other I can see the withdrawal. Last night we went in between the stages a couple times and her saying things like she feels like there is so much she doesn't know about me and also how I seem like a good roomate (ouch, but truth). Then I see the side where she wants to make it work as well.

We have our first counseling session tomorrow night and we are both a little scared about it. For the same reasons I think, that it won't work and will make us resent eachother even more. We also both realize it is the only hope we have.

Positives on my end are that I have more of an audience now than I did 2 or 3 weeks ago. Negatives are that I am still so far down the rabbit hole that we've let go between us that we both fear that we won't be able to get out.

Any advice from anyone appreciated.

[notagoodlistener]

All, as my sitch has changed a little the past couple of days I could use some advice.

What's the best book addressing infidelity and working through the issues along with it from both perspectives. W ended it immediately after a one time physical slip with a few weeks of EA along with it.

This is just one angle we need to attack...

Any advice before I head to the first MC appt tomorrow much appreciated as well. Thanks.

[12bar]

Hi nagl

Thanks for stopping by my thread today. I hope you are hanging in there after the changes in your sitch. Discovering infidelity is such a hard thing but I am glad that your W seems remorseful. My wife has said zero since our confrontation so i think you are ahead of me on the curve. Let me know if you find any good books on healing from infidelity.

-HBH