As for "why" - I guess my tendency is to ALWAYS blame myself. I guess I don't have to do this
No, Hope, you don't. This HAS to change regardless of whether you stay M'd or not. Humility and self awareness are one thing (healthy to an extent). But, always blaming yourself indicates you do not perceive yourself as valuable and with a high worth. Really, just basic self esteem.
Now, it sounds like your H has fostered this kind of thnking. But, you don't get off free here - you let that happen. You can't change HIS thoughts/words, but you sure as he!! can change whether YOU let this kind of thinking happen. DON'T. It is not productive or healthy.
And, I get this too:
Quote:
It's weird - even through all the anger, the abuse, moving out, blaming me - I still remember the man I fell in love with who I could share anything with and he totally "got" me. I could trust him with anything. I don't know where that man is anymore, but I keep feeling he's in there somewhere. When the anger cools, perhaps that sweet person will feel ready to trust again. I just have no idea. Maybe he's gone for good. Maybe he never existed. All I know is I'm ready for someone who can love me even if I mess up. Even if I hurt them. Even if I ruin their stereo, or say things I should not have in anger, or scream and fight, or any other mistakes I've made. That no matter how hurtful I've been I'm ready for someone who knows in my heart I'm a good person and I care and I'm ready to give and receive love. Someone who can forgive and have compassion. I thought I married such a man, but he seems gone now.
I'm pretty sure just about everyone on these boards could say the person they M'd isn't there anymore. I know I can. So, I feel for you - I really do.
And the I want to be M'd to someone who loves me no matter what - well, in my book, that IS the definition of M. And it is EXACTLY what I crave. But before that can happen, we have to love ourselves and learn to be happy just being alone. Only then can we have the ability to have a truly happy, loving R with another person.
Finally, realize that you ARE worthy of such a R, and you deserve it. Your H is not acting like a loving H. And I agree with VH that your H doesn't seem to understand what a M is - a partnership, not a dictatorship.
