I read a few of your posts and a few things stood out. You mentioned your wedding night. Well, I had something similar happen. We didn't ML because my new husband was too drunk. After throwing up, he went straight to sleep. Talk about being hurt.Your wedding night is something you can never get back again.I doubt he realized just how much this hurt me. I also believe this set the stage for our married life.
You know, I know as marriage partners we need to forgive, forget and move on. This is what he wants me to do. And, this is what I need to do. But, it wasn't just a one time occurrence. It was years of hurt and rejection over and over again. That is what's so hard to move on from. This, coupled with the years of binge drinking and knowing that at times he was getting behind the wheel of a car, is so hard to put behind me. I will do it though, or I will drive myself crazy and ruin my marriage.
Something else you mentioned was the fact that you would never have an affair, but did find it hard not to look at other women. Sorry if that's not the exact wording, but close enough. I am the same way.I have to admit, I told him that I was very lonely and that I didn't want to live out the rest of my life that way. I guess it was a threat. Not a good thing, I know.
One of our other issues, which really was part of what set this healing in motion, is my DH having female friends. Now, in my present state of mind I realize these few women are really just friends and nothing more. But, when I was in my "crazy woman" stage, I felt real threatened by them. And, honestly, I still do from time to time. These are women he talks to on the phone every so often. He doesn't go out with them or anything like that. One is widow of one of his close friends, whom he checks up on from time to time. Another one, is someone who is close friends with another friend of his who is dying from cancer. The know a lot of the same people and give each other updates. When we got married I let all of my male friends go. I guess I just thought that was what you were suppose to do. I wasn't particularly close to anyone at that time anyway, so it wasn't difficult to do. But, what I do think happened is that,over the years, I purposely shut myself off from the opposite sex. Maybe I was afraid to allow myself to get too close for fear of crossing a line? I don't know. I found myself being angry and jealous that he had these friends and I didn't. I think it's easy to let your mind wander when you are already feeling so inadequate.
Well, that's enough of my ramblings for now. Thanks for listening and helping.
