Hang in there man. I suggest being careful in your demands. If your W were to file for divorce right now, she could take you to the cleaners for alimony and child support...that is if she makes substantially less money than you...my two cents. Are you working with a DB coach?
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I think this is exactly where both GIMA and I are.
I am wondering how many other people are in this sort of situation. I would characterize it as a "Stalled WAS" The spouse walked away emotionally/psychologically, but for one reason or another never left and are themselves stuck in the status quot.
Quote:
I am really not sure how to put strings on what I would really want, which is "be open to the M and the R".
Thinker/GIMA - I am in the same boat. W has been emotionally checked out and "Divorced in Spirit" for 12 months now, but for whatever reason (the kids, actually) she won't go. I would accept what Thinker said above as my 'strings' as well - just be open to the possibility of M working out.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I think this is exactly where both GIMA and I are.
I am wondering how many other people are in this sort of situation. I would characterize it as a "Stalled WAS" The spouse walked away emotionally/psychologically, but for one reason or another never left and are themselves stuck in the status quot.
Quote:
I am really not sure how to put strings on what I would really want, which is "be open to the M and the R".
Thinker/GIMA - I am in the same boat. W has been emotionally checked out and "Divorced in Spirit" for 12 months now, but for whatever reason (the kids, actually) she won't go. I would accept what Thinker said above as my 'strings' as well - just be open to the possibility of M working out.
Trying,
The problem with making the "strings" what we want is that isn't a change in the status quo. They know that's what we want. They just aren't prepared to do that, for whatever reason.
And we all know that. And don't get me wrong, this is very scary stuff.
But the truth of the matter is that we are M'd (legally) to women who have emotionally checked out on the MR a long time ago. So, they are leaving the choice of what to do, in a sense, up to us. Call that what you will, but for better or for worse, we are going to have to be the ones to decide where things go from here.
Hang in there. We will all handle it and get through this.
Very interesting post by robx I just read. Very thought provoking.
So, in a sitch like mine, Thinkers, and MANY others here, what is the gameplan.
In my case, I have been DB'ing for 6 months. And, if I am to believe my W, as I must, she has been unhappy for 7-8 years, based on her last discussion with me.
Am I being impatient, as robx suggests in his thread? Could be. Or, am I better off pushing for working on the M or D?
Tough call. I fully accept my responsibility for getting me where I am right now. And, I also fully accept I am not entitled to anything (sort of my philosophy in life). I also accept that my old M is dead (I do not want the old M back).
So, it seems the choices are be patient, keep DB'ing, but only for myself, OR push for a commitment from WAW - and I am 99.9% certain where that leads, I think.
I don't see how one can pursue both those paths. One may lead to the other, but not at the same time.
And, if I am to believe my W, as I must, she has been unhappy for 7-8 years, based on her last discussion with me.
Why must you believe that? Believe little of what the WAS says...
Your WAS is so worried about appearances, I think some big amounts of reality are needed. The reaction to you taking of your ring was comical. She can say she wants out but you take off a piece of jewelry and that is the awful thing? Lay it down, have the talk like I said before... you prefer to save the marriage and you are well on your way on fixing you for your own sake. She wants some of that then great; if not time for her to get a job and start looking for a place to live.
A good defense is a strong offense. Time t put the pressure on, see how she reacts when the appearances can no longer be faked. And all of this is for you dude because the way life is now sucks right?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
A good defense is a strong offense. Time t put the pressure on, see how she reacts when the appearances can no longer be faked. And all of this is for you dude because the way life is now sucks right?
