My journal from yesterday is somewhat relevant to the topic so I will share. It could help someone by backing up and gazzing into the "fishbowl"
Journal 11209 On the drive in I prayed and pondered my situation. I calculated the odds on several things and oddly, I found some piece of mind where I didn’t think I could:
Right now where we are at I would say that there is a 75% chance that I will not be living with my wife in 6 to 9 months. I really do not think that we will determine that I should leave for the next 6 months. Financially not smart and we have booked a cruise in Feb after which I could make a case for waiting till spring . The cruise may be the place where she wants to drop the final d bomb ?
Good thing is you have that much time but you will still be asked to leave for a separation.
Bad thing it will eventually happen, which will take away resources that could be used better and will hurt s14 emotionally. The likelihood that knowing W as well as you do…Walls into her heart and all you would be able to have a really great relationship I mean absolute fantastic after all that has occurred in the last 6 -12 months about 10%.
Odds that you will become divorced 65%
Conversely that means that there is a 35% that you will not divorce and end up with a long healing process where the relationship will get better but never be what you truly hoped it could be 18 years ago.
The chance that you would recognize how bad a relationship you actually have and do something radical to change it or get yourself free from it 10%. No, you would put up with it for the next 5 6 years or longer because that is how you are wired.
You couldn’t deal with the guilt, you would cope as you have been coping by arguing and distancing and enduring SO given this set of circumstances the affair may be a means to an end that is not necessarily bad just different.
Certainly not what you would have chosen but liberating is a sense. Given the walls she has built around her heart that you could never penetrate and the walls that you are creating because of the abandonment that you are experiencing now.
Heady stuff. Worthy of further contemplation and further evidence that given what you now know you really should be working on getting a life and 180s to find new ways of being successful at the game of life.
